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A Blue Rose By: Amphitrite (papervanity@gmail.com) Rated: PG-13 Pairing: Bakura/Yami,
Malik/Yami Song: Why by Avril Lavigne. Summary: Sometimes you get
tired of saying 'I love you.' Sometimes you get tired of never having it said
back to you. And...it hurts.
I don’t remember when it happened. It was just gradual, I guess. The two of us
used to be so close…practically inseparable. But recently, you’ve just seemed
so distant. It’s as if you started drifting away…and away…and away. And you
just started fading …until you completely disappeared. And that’s exactly
what happened. You disappeared. You’re gone. I don’t
know what to do, what to say. If only Ryou had told
me earlier that you had left; if only I wasn’t so stupid and naïve…then
maybe this would’ve turned out okay. Maybe I would’ve been able to do something.
Something other than just sitting here, alone and moping. But noo~, you just had to tell him to keep your
departure a secret. Keep it a
secret from everyone…even me. But why, Bakura? I don’t understand why you would just leave
without telling anyone other than Ryou. I don’t
understand why you left~! Why didn’t
you care that I would be worried, worried whether you were still alive
or not?!? Don’t you know how much I love you? And don’t you care that your
departure broke what was left of my heart? Why do you always do this to me?
Why couldn’t you just see through me?
I didn’t
think anything of your missing presence. It didn’t seem like such a big deal.
You were never there for me, anyway. So that’s
what it all comes back to. You not
caring. Why, Bakura, why?!? How come
you don’t love me? I remember
those countless times that I told you how much I loved you, how much I cared.
But…you never told me the same. I remember when we first got together, I would consistently tell you how much I
cared…how much you meant to me. But you never told me the same. It hurt, you
know? Knowing that the one that meant the most to me didn’t feel the same
way…it was just depressing. But I
managed to convince myself that you just needed time and space. And if I gave
you that time and space, you would eventually say, “I love you,” and all would
be fine. But all wasn’t
fine. You never
did say those three words to me. * “I love
you.” ”I
know.” * Was I not
giving you what you desired? Was I not good enough for you? I didn’t know, ‘ Do you
love me? Is that
why you left? Were you tired of feigning your love for me? Because
that’s what you were doing, wasn’t it? You were only pretending to love me.
Just to satisfy my desires. Makes me wonder why you even bothered with me in
the first place. If you never loved me, why didn’t you just tell me? I don’t
know. How come, you act like this
Like you just don’t care at all
It was a
week ago, I think. Yeah, a
week ago I went to your—Ryou’s—house and asked if
you were free for a casual stroll. He turned white and stuttered nervously. I
immediately knew something was wrong. “Where’s Bakura?”
“Umm…I…I’m
not supposed to tell.”
I narrowed
my eyes and grabbed his collar, pinning him against the front door. My voice
came out as a hiss and I think the Eye of Horus
began glowing. “Tell me—! Now!” He choked and nodded as much as he
could. I released him. It had taken a few minutes before he had regained the
feeling in his neck. I waited patiently, glaring dangerously at him the whole
time. Then he told me… “Bakura’s not here.” I raised
an eyebrow. “And where is he?” Ryou shrugged.
I watched him, my eyes never leaving his face. There was something in his
eyes… And I was
just about ready to leave and come back later, when your hikari
stopped me. “Wait. Yami.” I turned and looked
at him. “Yes?”
“I have
something to tell you.” I waited. “Bakura’s not coming back.” And at
those words, I felt something in the pit of my stomach. Bad feeling, I
suppose. Then I had gotten Ryou to tell me
everything, and he seemed rather relieved to. It probably had been bothering
him ever since you left. After I had gotten everything I could out of him, I
promptly left. What else could I do? Ryou and I
aren’t exactly close and I didn’t expect to be invited to stay over or
anything. And it’s
been a week. A whole week since I found out and yet I haven’t done anything
about it. I can’t do anything about it. I know nothing about your
whereabouts. I don’t even know if you are still alive and well. To tell you
the truth, I doubt that you are well. Unless you have connections, you’re
probably lost in some distant town right now. I miss
you, Bakura… Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to
fall?
I could
feel, I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away I could feel, I could feel you baby, why
I haven’t
shed a single tear since my breakdown that night…Are you proud of me? Is this
what you wanted me to become? Stronger? If it is, then you haven’t met your
goal yet. This is not me being strong…this is me trying to hold it all in and
barely succeeding. All I want to do right now is to breakdown and cry like a
five-year-old child who had his favorite toy snatched away from him. But I can
only hold in my tears for so long… After I
left Ryou’s house, I couldn’t decide where to go.
Home? No, I knew for a fact that Yuugi would ask
what was wrong and he would poke into what was my own business. That wouldn’t
help the least. But where else could I go? I decided
to just wander and go wherever my feet led me. And so I
did. I walked
around the streets of Domino for hours…I didn’t speak a word to anybody else,
I was just silently crying. I felt so horrible…so weak…so helpless. I ended up
going to a bar and getting myself drunk. I passed out after a few rounds.
Luckily or unluckily, I’m still not quite sure, Malik
was coincidentally there. He recognized me instantly (who else other than Yuugi shares the same hairstyle?) and somehow managed to
bring me home. Well, to his home. I woke up eventually at “Malik?” He started and turned, looking at me with
an unreadable expression on his face. He didn’t say anything. He just…stared
at me, blank lavender eyes piercing my soul. He waited for me to speak. So I
did. “Why are you…How did I get here?” “You passed out and I took you home,” he said softly, eyes never leaving me. I
blinked, completely have forgotten going to a bar. “Oh. Thank you. I appreciate the thought,
but I must be going now.” I began to get up, wincing when I did. I
was almost thankful when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down onto the
bed. I grimaced at the pressure of landing. “You’re not leaving. You can’t
go outside in this condition. You’ll never make it back to your house.” I gave him a defiant glare, but it was
hard to focus. “Who said I was going back to the house?” To this, he
had no reply. It’s not supposed to feel this way I need you, I need you More and more each day He finally closed his eyes, setting his
book down on the bedside table. “So when did he leave?” It took me a moment to register what he
was saying. “I don’t know,” I replied truthfully. Then, “How did
you know that he’s gone?” He opened his eyes and looked at me, something
in his eyes that I could not describe. “I didn’t see him for a while. He used to
always come over.” That angered me slightly, though I tried
to tell myself that it wasn’t Malik’s fault. You
used to always go over? How come you spent more time with Malik
than with me? Malik was a friend and I was…I was
your lover. I had nothing to say to Malik’s statement except a monotonous, “Oh.” “Do you miss him?” he asked quietly. Seeing my expression,
he quickly stuttered, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want
to.” I shook my head. “Of course I miss
him.” He looked surprised. I don’t blame him. “It’s just that you two never seemed
very…close.” I don’t know why, but I smiled. “We
weren’t.” He looked a bit taken aback by my reply, but he didn’t say
anything about it. The two of us just averted our glances from each other.
Then I finally said, “Malik?” “Yes?” “May I kiss you?” I looked at him out of the corner of his
eye. He looked pretty shocked, to tell you the truth. And he had good reason
to. “Yami, are you crazy?!?” he exclaimed,
voice shaking audibly. I just turned to him with a serious, intent look on my
face. “No. I just crave comfort.” “I can’t help you with that. I would never
betray Bakura like that. He would never trust me
again!” I stared at him, my eyes taking him in. “You
wouldn’t be betraying Bakura. You would be doing
him a favor by comforting me. It was something he could never do. We have to
show him, Malik, we have to show him that I don’t
need him.” My voice twisted into something dangerous and daring at that
moment. I think you would’ve been proud. “I don’t think Bakura loves me any more. In fact, I don’t think he ever
did.” He looked horrified. “So that’s
what I am? A substitute for your lover? I’ve been used too many times in the
past, Yami. I don’t need you manipulating me.” “Malik?” “Yes?” “Shut up.” And then I kissed him. It was a wonderful kiss; I had to admit
that he was just perfect. But he lacked something that you have…He lacked the
insanity and possessiveness. He lacked the desire to take risks. He lacked
dominance. Malik lacked everything about you that I love. I was the one who finally pulled away,
straddling his hips. His eyes were unfocused and foggy; I could tell that he
was caught up in the lust. I whispered seductively in his ear, “Will you
comfort me, Malik?” He nodded, pulling me into
another intense kiss. Any hesitation had vanished into thin air. That night, Malik
took me. I cried the whole time. It’s not supposed to hurt this way I need you, I need you, I need you I do feel guilty about it. How could I
not? I made Malik do something that he greatly
regretted. I betrayed you. But I do feel some satisfaction. I feel as if I
have gotten revenge on you for all that you have done. Or maybe for all that
you haven’t done. All I know is… I don’t regret it as much as I thought that
I would. And that’s what makes me feel guilty. What would you say if he knew
about what I had done? I don’t know. Would you be hurt? Would you be broken? Would you have cared? I don’t know. I really don’t know, Bakura. Because your love for me is like a blue
rose. It’s nonexistent. Tell me, are you
and me still together? Tell me, do you think we could last
forever? Tell me, why How long is this going to go on, Bakura? When are you going to come back? Are you even
going to come back? If you don’t…am I still yours? I have so many questions, but I have no
answers. I hate this. I hate this not knowing anything. I don’t
know if you’re coming back, I don’t know where the hell you are, I don’t know
if you’re still fucking alive, I don’t know if I am free to go now. All I
know is that I still love you as much as I did before. So will you come back, Bakura? Will you come back so we can make this all
right again? You know what? I really wish you would. * “How much do you love me, Bakura?” “A lot, Yami, a
lot.” “That doesn’t tell me anything. Would you
do anything for me?” “I would, love, I would. I swear.” “If I told you to leave me, would you?” “No.” “But you said you would do anything for
me.” “I promised that I would do anything that
you ask of me, Yami-koi, but I also promise to
never leave you and that promise is stronger.” “Oh. I love you, Bakura.” A smile. “Yeah. I know.” * It’s been a month. A whole month. That’s thirty days. I feel so distant from you now. It’s
like…it’s like you’ve died. Nobody speaks of you, though everyone now knows
that you’re gone. Everyone meaning Yuugi’s friends
and such people. They don’t really care, or at least they don’t let on that
they care. Rarely anyone has said anything to me. I think they’re uncertain
of what to say. And I think they have a point. What are
they supposed to say? I’m sorry? No, they’d rather just stay silent. I’d
rather them do that as well. Hey, listen to what we’re not saying Let’s play a different game than what
we’re playing Try to look at me and really see my heart I look down at the isolated park below me.
I’m sitting on the branches of a tree now; this tree has become my ‘thinking
place’. This is where I…go to think. It’s quiet, it’s calm, and it’s
comforting. Especially at this time in the night, when there are no children
screaming and yelling and making too much noise that makes my head hurt. I sigh and close my eyes, relaxing. * * * Bakura walked up to his favorite oak tree in the
park, his boots letting his footsteps stay silent. His silver hair almost
glinted in the pitch-black darkness as it cascaded upon his shoulders. There
was a certain air about him, something that one might call insanity. It was
the new moon, so it was almost impossible to see this thief in the dark. Aforementioned thief looked up at the
tree. He sensed something there…something that wasn’t supposed to be there,
but was anyway. He squinted, trying to make something out of the darkness.
No, nothing… Wait! The branch moved as whatever was there
shifted. “Hello? Who’s up there?” Do you expect me to believe I’m going to
let us fall apart? I could feel, I could feel you near me,
even when you’re far away I could feel, I could feel you baby, why Yami froze. There was someone here? At this hour? No
way. Impossible. He kept silence and (somehow) managed to not move. “Hello~?” the voice called again. Yami’s eyes widened and he inhaled sharply.
That…that voice! It was…No, it couldn’t be. There was no way. Impossible. But
who else~… “Who’s there?” Yami’s blood ran cold. It was him. But… “’ Whoever was down there—he just couldn’t
convince himself that it was his (past?) lover—froze as well. “Did you just call me ‘ Yami gasped. “It is you. But—” “Who’s up there? Nobody calls me ‘ * Poke. “You’ll always be here, right, ‘ “I’ll always be here for you. I’m never
leaving you, Yami. You mean too much to me.” “Promise?” Smile. “Promise.” * Yami climbed down from his place on the tree.
He could hardly believe what was happening. But yes, that was Bakura. Yami could just sense
the other’s strong presence. He didn’t know why he hadn’t felt it before,
when he was up there on the oak tree. The two of them stared at each other’s
barely outlined forms. Neither said a thing. They didn’t know what to say. Where to begin? Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart? I could feel, I could feel you near me,
even when you’re far away I could feel, I could feel you baby, why “I’m sorry.” Yami blinked. He had hardly expected that. In
fact, he had been about to say something, but— “What are you sorry about?” he asked,
wanting to make sure of what the other was apologizing for. Bakura hesitated a moment before answering. “I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
to you.” Yami waited. Bakura
sighed. “I know I’ve hurt you in the past, Yami. I
never meant to. I just…It’s just that—your love for me scared me. Nobody had
ever felt so strongly for me before…It was something completely new for me.
There’s rarely anyone that doesn’t find me repulsive.” “I don’t find you repulsive,” Yami said, making sure to not let his voice show any
emotion. He wanted to hear what Bakura had to say
before doing anything else that might just ruin everything. Bakura smiled. “Yeah. I know. That’s why I was so afraid.
I didn’t truly know what love was. I didn’t know why I had the urge to give
you whatever you wanted; I couldn’t understand why I thought of you all the
time. Your love for me scared me—and my love for you frightened me even more.
No matter what I did, I could never understand why you loved me so much. I
knew why I loved you—it was because… Well, I can’t really explain it, but…” Yami closed his eyes, letting it all sink in.
“I know what you mean.” Bakura nodded gratefully.
“Is that why you left?” the former ruler asked quietly, reopening his eyes. “Yeah.” The thief sighed. “I didn’t know
who I was anymore. It was like your love for me had changed me into a
different person, and I couldn’t understand why. So…I had to go. I wanted to
go back to being the old me. The old me that I could understand so clearly.” Yami walked up to the other, intertwining
their hands and pressing his small body up against the slim one of the other.
He would try this one last time. It’s not supposed to feel this way I need you, I need you More and more each day “I love you.” Bakura ran a hand hesitantly through his
multi-colored hair. A soft kiss was laid on the crimson-eyed angel’s
forehead. “Really?” Yami sighed and said, “Yeah.” Then he pulled
away quickly and began walking off into the unknown darkness. Bakura watched him go with sad eyes. “I love you too.” Yami stopped in his tracks. He turned and
looked at the other, eyes inquiring. The thief stared defiantly back into the
pharaoh’s cerise orbs. And the pharaoh smiled. |