mood: indignant
music: She’s Long Gone – The Black Keys

It’s getting to be like the old days, when I didn’t have anyone to talk to about real things, things that mattered. The things I want to talk about. Every time I talk to anyone or even tell people about my evenings, I end up getting in arguments or having to defend myself. So I keep my mouth shut nowadays. I feel muffled, but it’s better than the alternative.

And anyway, that’s what writing and things like this are for.

I’m seeing Mr. Five and Mr. Light again. Not going to deny that it’s kind of awesome. Since the new year, I decided that I’d stop initiating or trying. To my complete surprise, both started talking to me soon after that resolution. On the same day. JJ Flip, the world works in strange ways.

So hey. I took it as a sign to run with it. They seem to be putting in more effort — or perhaps this is just a trick of the light, now that I’m no longer invested in trying for anything with a modicum of seriousness. Whatever it is, I like it. I like having my expectations set low so that I keep being surprised. And I like that my confidence gets me the things I want, like a good conversation over a pitcher of beer and a warm body. I am very pleased with the way things are.

I had a sense that I had only to make a move and he would reply to it. I wondered, why shouldn’t I? Why shoudln’t I escape from this desert if only for half an hour?
- Sarah, The End of the Affair, Graham Greene

I don’t think people get it. This is the phase of my life for which I’ve been waiting for a long time. I have always romanticized one-night stands. (I did always imagine it would be girls I would be with, though that was probably not a very realistic hope.) Half of my characters are girls who boldly Do Not Give a Shit. What does it mean? It means that I’ve always been terrified of commitment. It means that I’ve always idealized the people and the lifestyle of not having to give a shit. And at last, I’m living like Arralee, like Andy, like Madeline, like the Ginny in MLitD. And I love it.

What I hate is how much everyone keeps trying to turn me back.

I don’t think they understand that this is the ultimate manifestation of a lot of things I’ve always wanted. And I used to think that I could convince them and make them understand, but it’s not working, and now talking about it only frustrates me. People keep accusing me of kidding myself, or of being in denial, or of all this other psychological bullshit. It’s narrow-minded and imposing, and I’m sick of it. I know perfectly well that they want the best for me — but so do people who try to convert others or think they can convince people to stop being gay. So I won’t give them the chance.

Sometimes, I think they liked it better when I was sad last semester because I kept wanting more than I was getting. I wish they’d understand that I’m at peace with this now. There are three flipping months left. I don’t want to invest in anything. I just want to have fun and make good memories. I just want to do the things I want to do.

Mr. Streets asked me out to dinner again today. That’s probably the fifth time. I felt bad. The last thing I want to do is lead him on. So I turned him down. And his response was the same thing I said when I got turned down last semester.

“Fair enough.”

Really. It’s pretty funny how the world works.

we live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together

Relationships are fleeting, and forever is bogus. Why not have a good time while I’m still at my prime?

she’s not made like those other girls

When Lot’s wife looked back, she turned into a pillar of salt. I like that. Getting too caught up in the past will only destroy you. I’ve spent so much of my life being stuck in the past. Regretting. Hating change.

It’s time to live.

I have a new life now. One I like — one that fulfills me. It’s not the same one I had before, but it’s good. Maybe even better.
– Barbara, Birds of Prey #8