mood: lucky
music: Everything – Michael Buble

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison

Today, I will admit to you, to my friends, and to myself something that we all know but never discuss —

Without hope or agenda, because it’s a day that would have been special to us if things were different: I really miss you.

Thank you for all the good days, all the not-so-good ones, and everything in between.

I am not sad, for our lives are good. I am not holding on, for there is a whole world to explore. I am not bitter, because our love was true. I am not waiting, because there’s more to life. I am not expectant, because I remember our promises and our not-promises. I am not hopeless, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Instead, I am happy. Happy that you have found something that you have been searching for; happy that I have become a better person and am discovering and rediscovering myself every day. Happy that we are cordial, that we are supportive, that we are caring, that we are loving towards each other. Happy that you are my bestest.

Instead, I am keeping an open mind.

Instead, I wake up every morning excited to see what the day will bring me.

And more importantly than all of this —

Thank you for being my best friend. I am so fortunate and glad to have you in my life. Here’s to tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow!

mood: liberated
music: Shake My Hand – The Jakes/Young the Giants

I love you because you set me free. But I want to set you free, too. And… I want to set me free, too.

I love you because we match.

I love you because you keep coming back, too.

I love you because you don’t give me what I want… You give me what I need.

I love you because I know you, and you know me, but at the same time there’s still so much to learn, so much room to grow.

I love you because it’s not hard, it’s not easy — it just is.

I love you simply because I do.

I regressed over break, but I won’t let this love hold me down any longer. Because I love you. Because I love myself. And because you love me, too.

Seriously. I love you, man. Here’s to happiness, and to the power of our friendship. I’m all for many, many happy decades to come.


Tonight, Mark set me free. He has before, and I flew away, only to backtrack when I became uncertain of the direction in which I was flying. Tonight, I fly away again, but my wings feel much lighter.

and if i’m flying solo
at least i’m flying free


I feel good.


“I’m so afraid of losing something I love, that I refuse to love anything.”

“It’s easy to be emotional. You can always make a scene… Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they’re nothing.”

“So what’s something?”

“Being reliable is something. Being good.”

- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer


♥

mood: gloomy
music: Glass of Water – Coldplay

What is this nonsense?

I feel like parts of me just keep falling away.

I’m remembering why everything happened the way that it did. Everything is so good as long as I’m talking, or listening. I am so happy. I am so content. I could do this forever. There are no thoughts of burning, no thoughts of erasing, no thoughts of eternal sleep. There is no pondering the future, there is no thinking about philosophies on life, there is no analyzing relationships and friendships, there is no debating right, wrong, and everything in between. There is no need for hugs, pep talks, advice, encouragement, extra affection, extra love.

The world stops when the talking stops.

The moment the silence begins, so does the sinking feeling, the one that threatens to engulf me whenever I’m left alone for more than fifteen minutes.

Is it about love? Is it about trust? Is it about easiness, about simplicity, about confidence?

It’s about the loss of all of the above.

I refuse to end up like them — there are so many wonderful examples of how NOT to act — and that’s not a struggle as much as trying to figure out how I do want to end up.

The clock keeps ticking, but I can’t keep up.

I would never wish this confusion upon anyone.

mood: optimistic
music: Girls on the Dance Floor – Far East Movement

My parents named me Elaine, and they lent me my dad’s family name, but they left a blank where the birth certificate prompted a middle name. Now, whenever I fill in any forms, whether they be for the bank, for school, or for a job, I have to leave the little space they designate for your middle initial blank, too. Why do they only ask for the first letter of your middle name? What’s the point of giving someone a middle name if they’re only ever going to use the first letter of it? Does anyone ever just forsake the middle name and just give their child a middle initial? And what about those people who have like five middle names? Do they get to pick which one they want to use for their initial, or do they just stick with the first one of the bunch? People with a lot of middle names usually recite them in order. Do their names have to be in to be that order? If the last one was switched to the front of the name train, would that name no longer describe them?

Some people have enough names to fill up all the spaces that they give you on standardized tests, but I only have two, and I can’t even play with the order of that. In English, Elaine comes first. In Chinese, Elaine comes second. That’s all there is to it. My parents tell me that they gave me no middle name in case I grew up and hated my name and so that I had the option of choosing a middle name for myself that I could ask people to call me instead. Sometimes, I suspect that they were just lazy. After ten years of living in America, did they really not know that adults can just change their names if they don’t like their given ones?

Every year, I fall in love with a different name. I realized that most of them started with the letter A so I decided that that will be my new middle initial. I decided so that I could register my name for a professional-sounding e-mail account for my resume. Sometimes, I wonder if I even need to figure out a middle name. I wonder what the government would say if I went to get a name change and just told them to add “A” to where it says “middle name”. I like thinking about names, though, so maybe I’ll just leave my middle name blank forever so that I can continue to dream of middle names that start with A.

mood: thoughtful
music: Dance Little Liar – Arctic Monkeys

In two years, when this bottle of apple IZZE could be a bottle of Corona, what will my life look like? Do you ever just wonder?

I wonder all the time.

In two years, I want to be living in a cute little apartment or house with my friends (I used to have other plans but that’s okay, I guess). I want to be with Mark if/when he’s ready and we’ve grown enough as people to be compatible again (remember, this is just an idle fantasy and far from a plan…) and if things don’t turn out like that, then just happily single after having casually dated. I want to have kept touch and kept close to all my friends from home, along with any that I don’t see regularly at school. I want to hold dinner parties/kickbacks/parties every week and invite everyone that I know. I want to please people with my cooking and baking. I want to have written a dozen more stories, maybe a novella or two. I want to be finishing up my degree and be proud of how far I’ve come in the study of English and Media Studies. I want to have an internship or two (or even living in a foreign country) under my belt. I want to be earning steady money, even if it’s just minimum wage. I want to know that I won’t have to depend on my parents after college. I want to be a better person, a more careful person, a less selfish person. I want to be a better friend, a more open-minded friend, a more helpful friend, a more dependable friend. I want to notice all those things that other people notice but that never seem to cross my mind. I want to be stronger. I want to be certain about my decisions. I want to know when it’s good to confront and when it’s good to back down. I don’t want the word “pathetic” to be able to be connected to me in any way. I want to once again be proud of who I am.

I hope that in two years, I will be able to look back on this and feel triumph. But there’s definitely a possibility that I’ll just feel like I let myself down. That’s okay, too, I suppose. Whatever the future consists of — bring it on!