mood: free
music: Rebirth – Hadouken!

On Friday, Di called me and told me that she was going to get this for me and get her a matching (but not identical) one, as friendship necklaces.

AWWW! It’s so cute when she’s randomly so sweet. Also… How cute is the pendant?!

mood: cynical and disillusioned
music: Without Stars – Basshunter

There are a lot of times in my life when I just want to move to a remote island and read and write and listen to music for the rest of my life and forget that the outside world exists.

This is most definitely one of them.

I wrote this after the first two or so weeks after returning to Berkeley after Winter Break:

It feels so good to be back in Berkeley!

Arrived back at around 2ish, and my roommate Sandia arrived like ten minutes later. We had a good reunion, sharing stories about break (not that I had very many) and unpacking (she bought so many new clothes, holy crap) and greeting everyone. Started meeting new people, too, all of whom are pretty cool.

My favorite is definitely Hillary, who is this athletic, spazzy, but very chill chick who lives in the room right across from mine. She, Katie, and I are getting along really well. We’re like…happy mediums, you know? We’re like not too girly, but not too dudey, not too wild but willing to party, not too whorey but certainly not asexual, not too cool but not hermits either. And I really like that we’re not exclusive people, we just end up hanging out because everybody else is so busy all of the time. There’s something in Hillary that I just…trust and connect with, which is rare for me. (Katie’s a big exception.)

Speaking of Katie… God, I love her. Seriously, we never run out of stuff to say to each other, and even when our conversations fade into silence, it’s totally comfortable. It’s not like… You see, she’s not just like, oh awesome friend because she’s so kind and dependable and stuff. what stands out to me about our friendship is just that it’s so EASY. We connect so well without even trying to make it happen. She’s definitely my closest Berkeley friend. I juts know that she’s gonna be one of those friends with which your friendship will always be solid, and even if the amount you talk and hang out fluctuates throughout your life, you’ll always be able to juts catch up where you left off.

C.J.’s been really great, too. The two of us still have a friendship unlike our friendships with other people on the floor, I feel like. It’s laidback but sturdy. I think the thing is not that our friendship is super easy or that we have so much to say to each other, but that we connect well on an emotional level. We’re just comfortable saying a lot to each other, I guess. It’s pretty neat.

I never got to finish that entry, but it definitely illustrates how I felt about everything here at the time. And now, that’s kinda all fallen apart. I started on another entry a few weeks ago:

I’ve got the second semester blues… It’s been great getting to know new people and all that, but why does everything always have to come at a cost. I feel like a lot of my closest friends aren’t as fond of me this semester while at the same time they’re growing closer. Then again, maybe I’m just paranoid. Wouldn’t be the first time, haha.

Sandia is pledging TriDelt, which is, sad to say, the skankiest sorority on campus. No comment on that… She just told us yesterday that she had made her decision, although I’d been expecting it for a long time, especially since Sarah has been really pushing for it. A big part of me is simply happy for her; much as I’d like to think otherwise, she does fit in with those girls. I mean, there’s definitely a part of her — the chemical engineering part — that doesn’t fit in with them exactly, but there is definitely a large part of her that simply loves drinking, partying, and hooking up with guys. Another part of me is simply confused about how to react.

Everything is changing. I can feel it in my bones. I know that change can bring about some really great things, but sometimes, at the core of me, I just hate it, because most of the time it only brings trouble.

I thought everything was fine despite all of those things. I thought that things were working out, that I was just going to be reasonable and strong, that everything would be all right in due time.

But things have only gotten progressively worse lately.

It’s like, I don’t know if I can trust any of my friends here anymore. I don’t know how to act towards half of them. I don’t know where I stand at all with like, anyone. What was the point of giving me that glimpse of belonging if it was all going to fall apart? If it was just going to be a sham? If it wasn’t going to be worth it? I don’t even remember what it’s like not to feel awkward around them anymore. I’m suspicious, I’m paranoid, I’m disillusioned. Was it so that I could get over Mark? Was it so that I could fall in love with Berkeley? Was it to give me something to find comfort in when it felt like my life was not worth living anymore? Was it to save me?

I guess if it saved me, then it was worth it. We fight against the idea of “Better to have loved than to never know love at all” because we can’t imagine or say what life would be like had we never loved. Because sometimes, ignorance is bliss and memory a curse.

Is this year meant to leave me feeling jaded again? How many freaking times do we have to be let down enough in our lives for it to be okay for us to say, “Okay! Enough! Enough of this. I’m done”? I’m so strong every day, trusting in my ability, trusting in the people around me, trusting in my future. It’ll be a long time before I’m completely worn down, but at the same time, there is so much chipping away at me constantly, like swarms of rodents or insects tearing at my flesh hungrily.

Is there an end to this madness to look forward to?

I am so proud of myself for all the headway I have made this year, but is this how it’s just going to be? You learn, you improve yourself, you get some things you work for, you get let down by some things but learn how to be happy with the things that you still have, and then you just get it all taken away from you so that you have to repeat the process all over again, minus everything that you’ve worked to keep in your life? Is death the only end to this cycle?

I’m sick of running away from things, of being seen as weak, of being seen as needing protection. So I face things, even when every bone in my body is protesting the strain. So I tell people how I feel, so I apologize when I am wrong, so I demand respect when I deserve it. So I don’t back down when it’s easier, so I don’t go along with things I don’t agree with, so I don’t let anybody tell me how to feel or what to do.

But maybe it doesn’t matter how much you improve yourself. Maybe life just never runs out of things to throw at you.

Damn.

I’m sick of fighting off negative thoughts. I’m still happy, because being happy is just something that has to do with willpower and the ability to find happiness in the little things and to not dwell on the bigger problems, but it is getting progressively harder to keep up.

I need a long, long hug from somebody who I can trust not to screw me over and turn against me, some genuine reassurance that I am a legitimately good person who just gets screwed over a lot, and love. Lots of love.

Or a good book, good music, some sunshine, and some really good sushi. I’ll settle for that.

For the rest of my life, if needs be.

I really love our dynamic. And how well we know each other. When we were at Veggie Grill, Mark lifted the saucer with the sweet potato fries in it and placed it separately on the table so that the plate had more space for us to share our food. And I went, “Ohhh!” and he looked at me and laughed and said, “You were just going to say ‘That’s so smart!’, weren’t you?” as I was about to do just that. I admitted that he’d definitely called me out, and pointed out that I had hesitated before saying it because I knew exactly what his response would be: a very dry “Yeahhh, Elaine”, and then he laughed and said that yeah, that would’ve been his exact reaction. And like, in the middle of playing Super Mario, I randomly thought of something that had been bothering me and burst out, “Did you use PAM?” (when he made the crust for the lemon cheesecake bars) and he didn’t hesitate to say that no, he didn’t, before bursting out in laughter just as I started cracking up. Little things like that.

mood: glum
music: Fire It Up – Modest Mouse

Does it ever get easier?

Yes. After a while, the piercing pain fades into a dull throbbing, constant but not debilitating. Painful but not fatal.

And at the same time, no, because as long as you remain rooted to the past, you cannot have a happy future.


When I started writing this post, I intended it to be about me. But I was interrupted by a text message and a friend in need. I don’t want to write about me anymore. I want to write about you. And you. And you.

Several times in your life — not many, but not few, either — you meet someone who changes your life. He or she doesn’t just change the path you take to class, or where you choose to sit in the classroom, or what songs you listen to. He completely alters the way you see the world. She changes everything about the way you look at other people. He introduces you to a way of living, a way of thinking, a way of being that you never grasped before. She brings out your biggest flaws while celebrating your greatest qualities. After a week, a month, a year of being friends with this person, you realize that you’re never going to be the same again. You imagine what life would be like if you hadn’t met this person, and it amazes you how strongly they have impacted your everyday life, your beliefs, your values, your attitude, your perspective on everything around you.

People come and go in our lives. We can’t really do much about it, other than try to remember to add them to our too-long friends list on Facebook. But the people we cling onto are the ones who matter — the people who have changed something within us and who we hold onto in order to see what else they are capable of. Often times, these are the people who we try to impress every day. Frequently, these are the people with whom we share our greatest achievements, the people to which we turn to when we are in the deepest despair. Usually, these are the people with whom we can connect on a level that supersedes mere friendship.

These are people who change our lives for the better. Sometimes, we’re too blinded by the pain that they cause us to understand this, but with time, it usually sinks in. Even if they hurt us, even if they break our hearts, even if they demolish everything we once believed in — usually, this pain is a small price to pay for everything that improves afterward. These are people who enable us to make mistakes and then teach us to be better — sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly.

Sometimes, these people give up on us. Sometimes, we give up on them. But what’s important is to remember everything with which they have gifted us: every lesson they have taught us, every ounce of strength they have given us, every little way in which they have shaped us into the people we are today. Don’t lose these people. Whatever you do, don’t let these people slip away.

Because these are the people who make life worth living.

mood: depressed
music: The Scientist – Coldplay

nobody said it was easy
nobody said that it would be this hard

What have I done?

I found happiness, despite the breakup and everything that followed… But everything is so wrong. I felt for so long that everything was going the way that it should, but now all I can think about is what I did wrong and what I should’ve done better and how we’re supposed to be, how we wanted to be.

And how we’re not, and how hopeless everything feels.

Please don’t let me lose him. Please, I swear to god…

Goddamn, I feel so hollow inside.