mood: happy
music: Only the Ocean – Jack Johnson (just got his new CD! Whee!)

…has been FANTASTIC.

I go to bed around 4 to 6 a.m., depending, and wake up from 12 to 3ish. When I wake up, I cook for myself ( a new meal every day to practice for when I go back to school in the fall!) and then eat while I watch an episode of Teen Titans. Then, I have dessert and watch an episode or two of Batman or Superman. Then I watch the other one later in the day. I work on my story, I read fanfiction, I read books, I read comics, I draw. I talk to people online or text friends. I read and tan by the pool. I go to the gym with Mark almost every day. I’ve finished like 60 episodes of Batman, along with FlashForward. My story is about 25k words long so far. I’ve been applying to at least three jobs a week. I’m working on a menu for the Cafe, a website for DeCadence, and a logo for a film company.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

I keep thinking I’m running out of time, but seriously? It’s only been three weeks. So awesome. And everyone comes home this week, too. Although most everyone has summer school this year… Makes me feel so unproductive! But I honestly have no use for summer school. Even though I’m officially double-majoring. It’s kind of crazy but also really awesome. And I don’t want to take on another minor because I have my eyes set on a position on the Daily Cal and the BFR.

It’s…cool to say that, haha. I feel all ambitious and stuff. It’s especially exciting because I actually believe that I have a shot at that stuff. Go me!

The Thursday that I got back, which was…the 20th, I went to dinner with Amanda and Maggie. We had Veggie Grill, which was yummy as always. Mag told us about her boy drama, which was delightful to listen to. Not that I want her to have drama, per se, it’s just so new! And fun, haha. We hung around UTC for a while and I got Jade Green Tea boba from Cha, mmm.

Trekked over to Redondo Beach on May 22nd to hang out with Dana and Katie before Dana had to leave for her drum corps tour. I got to see Katie’s house for the first time (so cute and nice!), along with a bunch of furniture for our new apartment for next year! Awesome. Then, we went to the beach and just chilled for a while. Wow, their beach is amazing. I’m so used to the crappiness that is CDM beach (to be fair, it’s crappy just because it’s a bonfire beach) that I was shocked at how smooth the sand was and how clear and gorgeous the area was. It was incredibly windy, though, which meant sand everywhere. I was still trying to extract sand from my hair like three days after the trip, haha. But it was fun. We got some yogurt and then went to RA Sushi for dinner. Yum. We had a lot of fun without doing much. That’s why I love hanging out with them so much. Seems like we never have to do anything fancy to entertain ourselves; we always have so much fun just sitting around and talking. I miss them a lot! Really looking forward to living with them in the fall.

The following Tuesday I went to San Diego with Mark to see Kelli perform at a gospel choir concert, haha. She gave us a tour of the UCSD campus, which was very cool since Diana definitely doesn’t care enough about her school to ever do such a thing, haha. Only problem was that I hadn’t expected to be walking so much and had dressed up all cutely…which you know equals cute but uncomfortable shoes. GAH! At the concert, we met up with Kelli’s family, and afterward, Mark and I hung out with Kelli and Erin. We got some very tasty Mexican food, and Erin rode with us home.

Why don't we have cool things like Dr. Seuss statues?

It's like, a monument to Paradise Lost. And it has one of my favorite quotes from it on the cover. And nearby on the "Snake Path," there's a bench in the midst of a bunch of brush that has another quote from it -- which I recognized before I knew that there was a Paradise Lost thing going on at all! I squealed. A lot.

It was a neato day, and Mark and I got to talk a lot, so that was nice since we have a funny habit of not actually talking to each other that much when we hang out, LOL. It’s the beauty of our friendship, though, that we don’t need to talk to be totally comfortable around each other. Also that we both know that we’re there for each other if either of us does want or need to talk. I like that certainty. Just as there’s definitely a certainty in both of us being online all the time. Doesn’t mean we constantly IM each other; in fact, sometimes days go by where we don’t say anything to each other. Doesn’t matter, though, ’cause we’re both still there if one of us needs something. It’s like how Di and I can go weeks without talking sometimes, after weeks of leaving three voice messages a day for each other. It’s the same with Mag; sometimes, we’ll talk for hours about what’s going on in our lives, and sometimes, we just let the catching up pile up.

But I love it, in a way, because it means that it doesn’t matter how far we’re apart, how infrequently we contact each other, how busy we are — we’ll still make time for each other if it’s necessary. And our support is always concrete and never needing confirmation. I dunno. Makes me happy. And come to think of it, it’s kinda like how Katie and Hillary and C.J. and I just hang out in Qualcomm on our respective laptops or doing our own homework and have no need to constantly chatter or anything. They always say that you know you’re good friends with someone when there are no such things as awkward silences anymore. Sometimes, it’s just nice to do your own thing but have company at the same time.

Anyway, that Friday, I went to visit Diana in San Diego! The drive ended up taking three hours (it took an hour just to get out of my county!) but it was worth it on the whole. Went to Dick’s Last Resort in Downtown San Diego with Di and a bunch of her friends for dinner, which was fun. These douchebags and bimbos kept throwing wads of paper at everyone in the room, so some of Di’s friends started throwing them back, haha. It was…interesting, to say the least. After dinner, we drove back to Di’s (new) apartment, which is ridiculously nice. And way cheap compared to what a lot of us at other UC’s are paying. Grrr! I thought La Jolla was supposed to be expensive! At least I live in a cooler city? Haha. Anyway, we had a chill night and just played Brawl and talked and made smoothies and stuff. It was nice, and it was very interesting seeing how Di interacted with her school friends (and how she was around Matt around them, too). Then, Di and I stayed up for a while, with me re-reading Music of the Spheres (such an amazing read; gets me every time) and Di playing…StyleSavvy on the DS. Which is a ridiculous game, by the way. But very amusing, I must admit.

The next morning, Di, Matt, and I got lunch at this breakfast place called Broken Yolk. I got French toast and sausages, which was very yummy. Then, we went to the mall to watch Prince of Persia, which I enjoyed a lot. It wasn’t a stellar movie by any means, but it was executed well and very enjoyable to watch. And as an added bonus, both Jake Gyllenhaal and Gemma Arterton were positively smoking. Yum. At the mall, Di and I went into the Steve Madden store and came out with two matching pairs of wedge sandals, LOL. They are so ridiculously cute, and the 4.5″ heel is to die for. I’ve always wanted to be 5’6″!

We had a delicious pizza for dinner that night. I have no idea what else we did, but I do remember going to sleep at 2 a.m. for the first time since break started! Haha. Woke up early…ish the next morning, and Matt picked Di and me up. Got donuts for breakfast and the lovebirds had a little disagreement which was both interesting and a little awkward to witness. Drove to Balboa Park, where parking was nigh impossible. Took at least half an hour for us to get a spot. And like another half an hour to walk to the Natural History Museum from said spot, haha. But that’s okay, ’cause I was in good company. We checked out the…greenhouse? I don’t know what it was, but there were pretty flowers and cool plants. Then we went to the museum and checked out dinosaurs, ocean life, and gems. Matt and I were bored to tears in the gems section, but Diana was ridiculously enthusiastic and decided that she wanted to take a picture of each and every gem in the damn exhibit, LOL. So Matt and I decided to just crack jokes about WoW and jewelcrafting the whole time, since some of the jewelry was so…huge and impractical that it reminded us of WoW gear. But it was a fun visit! And then afterward, they took me to this Chinese restaurant that is literally in like…a house. It was bizarre, but the food was pretty damn good. I got shrimp in lobster sauce, which is probably one of my favorite Chinese dishes (but my mom never makes it! I only ever get it in restaurants! I wonder why. Maybe I should ask her). It was nummy. Then, that night I drove home so as to avoid what was sure to be Memorial Day traffic the next day. The drive home took a measly 50 minutes… Woot.

Memorial Day was pretty quiet for me. My mom had a barbecue, but I pretty much just ate the food and watched Batman: TAS, haha. Hey, good food and cartoons? I enjoyed it. Jess had over a bunch of people, and it was kind of awkward because she’s never introduced me to any of them but they all clearly know who I am and I vaguely know who they are. I told her later that she needs to start doing that, and she did the next time her friends came over. I was very pleased and proud that she took that lesson to heart, haha. She’ll understand why it’s so important when she goes to college, where you’re introducing people to each other like every other second! And then sometimes you get the awkward re-introduction because you forgot that the two people have already met… Heh.

And that was it for May! Yay!

What a year it has been! I’d like to document my journey in several different parts…

Step 1: Setting Goals
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
- Victor Frankl

I’m going to cut six inches off of my hair (I would dye it if I had the time before Berkeley!) and curl it often. I’m going to start dressing more tomboyish half the time and girlier the other half of the time. I’m going to wear concealer and powder and lipgloss and ponytails. I’m going to introduce myself, I’m going to be someone that people will want to be friends with. I’m going to be a motherfucking double major, even if both of my majors are cake. I’m going to drink, and I’m going to drive on freeways. I’m going to paste pictures of hot girls on my walls, alongside Transformers and Yu-Gi-Oh! posters. I’m going to joke more and laugh less, I’m going to touch more and be less unapproachable. I’m going to study more and complain less. I’m going to blog on-time and go back to journaling. I’m going to remember more and forgive less. I’m going to be more careful, more paranoid, more fun, and more uninhibited.
- xdelight, August 15th, 2009

After Mark broke up with me, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. That night, he told me that we both needed a new beginning at Berkeley this year. At first, I fought that, unable to comprehend why a new beginning was necessary when we were obviously both so distraught by having to be apart. But after the initial shock and disgust at my own dependent state, I decided that enough was enough. It was time for another major change. The Elaine that I was couldn’t be happy without Mark as an integral part of my life. So I got rid of her. I made a lot of changes, purposely changing a lot of things that were vital to being Elaine. My disgust at alcohol, my embarrassment at being a fangirl about boy things, my fear of trying new things, my lack of faith in my ability to accomplish a lot academically, my nervous wistfulness about being able to pull off neither tomboyish nor trendy looks, my laziness in going all the way with doing my hair and doing my makeup, my propensity to be really uncomfortable and shy in social situations, especially around strangers, my reluctance to face and conquer my fears, etc. I fixed it all.

I’ve noted before that I’m rather obsessed with self-improvement. People just don’t realize how much of your character is truly in your control. Yeah, there’s nature involved, and yeah, throw some nurture in there, too, but seriously? The only thing worse than someone who doesn’t see and understand their own flaws is someone who sees them and decides not to do anything about them.

Step 2: Setting Goals in Motion & Fighting Obstacles

And I did it. I really did. I got here, and the first day, I conquered my shyness and fear of meeting people and just walked into the hall and met everyone and honestly was just…myself! And boy did that do wonders. I’m still amazed, honestly, at how well just being myself worked out. And day by day, I just become more and more thankful for getting the opportunity to get to know and to befriend these wonderful people.
- xdelight, November 18th, 2009

There have certainly been ups and downs, but here I am, at home after a successful year, and I still believe that what I said that day holds true. And I know that I have been successful. Not only do I feel it in my bones, in my heart, every day, when I wake up in the morning, but it’s the only explanation for a number of things: the way Mark tells me that he’s so proud of me whenever I comfort him and give him advice, the way Diana notices my change in demeanor after spending five minutes with me in public, the way my Berkeley friends say that they can’t imagine me shy or introverted at all, the way people frown in bemusement and nod as if they understand when I tell them about how I used to be, the way Katie (Parr) told me that I was the star copy editor even though I’d only worked at the Daily Cal for three months, the way my parents asked me if I knew every single person in my dorm building since I kept recognizing and making conversation with people in the elevator.

Once you set your mind to it, you can change yourself. And once you change yourself, you grow into it. Sometimes, this is a really frightening thing, because it feels like losing your grip on who you truly are. Sometimes it feels like you are trying too hard to fit in, sometimes you feel incompetent, sometimes you feel like a poser.

But you’re not.

There’s nothing wrong with striking your own path. But just because you are attached to your eccentricities (because if a love for staying up past dawn reading stories that make love seem real, a belief that fanfiction authors are often way more talented than published authors, an affinity towards action cartoons born out of a fear of gore and an attachment to epic stories that stems from a wild, untamed imagination, and a need to be doing at least three things at once at all times don’t qualify as eccentricities, then I don’t know what does) doesn’t mean you need to bury them in order to find acceptance, to find a place in society. They always tell you to be yourself and to not listen to what other people say, but the world isn’t so black and white. You can do both! And you have to start by embracing those eccentricities. Wear them, broadcast them, tell people about them. Whatever you do, just don’t hide them. Hiding things only makes people miserable. That’s why I don’t really have any secrets, because I think keeping heavy things to yourself is overwhelming in a way that nothing needs to be. But by integrating your eccentricities and your non-conformity with a simple, socially acceptable personality, you can be yourself and be able to function in society. People will accept your weirdness if you don’t let it overwhelm who you are.

When I went to Berkeley, I didn’t fit myself into a cookie cutter. I fixed the parts of me that stuck out too much, the parts that made both me and the people around me uncomfortable. We’re all unique. Embrace it, but don’t let it impede you in your life. I swear too much, make too many immature sexual innuendos, act like a child and increase this effect by liking things made for children, will often get overexcited about small things (I meant to change this after I suspected that some friends were getting really exasperated by it, but Mark told me that this is one of the most endearing things about me, and I thought that was very nice and it did say a lot about my character and my view on life with the whole finding joy in the little things and all)… But that’s all okay, because I make it work. You should never change yourself for other people, but if the way those people perceive you is seriously affecting YOU, then you SHOULD change it.

You are always in control of your own happiness.

Hanging out with different groups of different people taught me so much. First of all, gay guys are melodramatic beetches. Second of all, cool people are self-absorbed and too flawed to be worth the trouble. Third of all, girly girls are insecure little bitches. Fourth of all, the only people really worth getting close to are those who are laid back. And fifth of all, even when you wish they were different, sometimes you just need to accept people for who they are. Everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

Step 3: Fight for What You Believe In and Learn From Your Mistakes
Mark and I had a two-month long post-breakup period after we went back to school. Miraculously, we became even closer than we’d ever been when we were together. It was a really hard time for both of us, but it was also very magical. There is something about waking up to someone smiling at you and telling you that you are his soulmate that is unforgettable. I forget a lot of things, but I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life. Anything less is inadequate and a waste of my time and energy.

Then, when that period ended, everything suddenly fell apart. It was devastating to be accused of being a self-centered and inconsiderate drunkard by the guy who had told you that he believed there was nobody better for him, especially when you had put up with so much from his front. It was utterly agonizing to have to deal with that betrayal of friendship while also dealing with the heartbreak and hopelessness that accompanied the entrance of a new player in the game. I learned a lot from that horrible time. I learned a lot about the power of friendship, and I learned that I had made good friends who were there for me in times of need. What I didn’t realize is that some of those friendships were made strong with that dependence and didn’t last when it became clear that I didn’t need any help anymore. But I know that now. And I’m okay with it. It’s neither a gift nor a curse, just a fact of life.

I fought for what I believed was the truth, for what I believed was important — intentions, not actions — and when it was clear that that would not lead to my happiness, I surrendered. I accepted the blame, I accepted the hateful words, I read the hateful words before I went to sleep every night and willed myself to not make the same mistakes ever again. I let him break me, because I figured that was the only way we would ever get anywhere, the only way anything would ever change.

It’s easy to say “Why would you stay?” when you’re watching it play out in front of you. “What good is he in your life?” “You need to get out of there.” “It’s not worth it.” “He’s not worth it.”

But what’s more important is realizing that things aren’t ever that simple. If things were so black and white, people would get themselves out of those situations.

I know now why I had to go through that. I had to go through that so I could understand my friends’ pain and difficulties in situations like these. I had to go through that so I wouldn’t be blind to their quandary, to the reason behind their indecision. Everything happens for a reason (or as Katie says, everything works out in the end). That happened so that I could be a better friend in the future. Just as I acted the way that I did after breaking up with Jayne so that I wouldn’t be able to blame Mark for acting the way he did when November came around. When life gives you lemons, you have to realize that those lemons are really going to come in use when your neighbor comes around next week begging you for lemonade. Something good comes out of every situation — you just have to see it!

Step 4: Stumble Once You’re Up, Because That’s Life
Things changed between Mark and me over Winter Break. After one really big argument, everything kind of changed. I don’t know what I did. All I know is that I apologized for everything to him the first week of the year, and then things seemed to be totally different by the time we went back to school. He started being really nice and talking about how great of a best friend I was, and all this stuff that seemed so ridiculous after the whole fall semester fiasco that I seriously wondered if this was some twisted way of faking friendship and punishing me for what I’d done wrong. But to my knowledge, our friendship had just taken another turn, for the better. (Recently, he told me that I changed over Winter Break and his views on me changed because instead of seeing me as pathetic and trying to get over him and trying to fit in with people that I didn’t jive with, I was stronger and did things just because I wanted to. I don’t agree with this assessment, but I understand how it would propel the change in how he treated me.) Soon, our friendship escalated to what it was supposed to be — a bond that had held fast and survived through disaster after disaster, a bond that we both turned to in times of crisis. It’s not a drop-everything-to-put-them-absolutely-first friendship. But it doesn’t need to be. It’s a I-know-you-are-here-for-me-no-matter-what friendship. Ya know, we haven’t fought since the time he told me I was being no better than Jayne and I decided that there is no way that someone who deserved my dedication would ever see me in that light. He noted the other day that this is probably the longest we’ve gone without arguing. Good or bad? Maybe just more mature.

The beginning of Spring Semester brought on a lot of jaded feelings. I suffered a relapse in regards to the whole heartbreak thing, and to make matters worse, my closest friends seemed intent on isolating me. People that I treasured were talking behind my back, people that I loved weren’t standing up for me. My belief of real, worth-it love was fading. My faith in the power and tenacity of friendship was dying. They both seemed like complete farces that I’d fallen for. I became more cynical than ever, sinking into myself slowly, scrabbling for a hold the cliff of happiness to which I used to have such easy access. I escaped to the library, buried myself in writing my superhero story, lost myself in watching Justice League and reading amazing fanfiction. I saw, once again, that I was the only person that I could ever rely on, and I didn’t even trust myself that much, especially after I betrayed myself and broke after the whole Mark thing. Life wasn’t bad, and the times that I smiled were true, but it wasn’t worth much, either.

I am so proud of myself for all the headway I have made this year, but is this how it’s just going to be? You learn, you improve yourself, you get some things you work for, you get let down by some things but learn how to be happy with the things that you still have, and then you just get it all taken away from you so that you have to repeat the process all over again, minus everything that you’ve worked to keep in your life? Is death the only end to this cycle?

…

But maybe it doesn’t matter how much you improve yourself. Maybe life just never runs out of things to throw at you.
- xdelight, February 17th, 2010

Step 5: Get Yourself Back Up Again
“It’s enough to make you bitter, but I’ve never been a quitter, and I’m not nearly done.”
- Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

But I don’t stay down. I don’t ask for pity; I don’t want it. I’m too attached to being a happy person to get bogged down for too long. And so I got myself back up. If people wanted to be bitches, fine. If people wanted to make ridiculous demands, sorry, but Elaine doesn’t take that crap anymore. Elaine fights for what she wants when she believes that she truly deserves it and that you have no right to take that away from her.

And I believed that I deserved happiness, and that nobody had any right to take that away from me. In fact, I decided that nobody had the power to take that away from me at all, and so then I was happy. Not superficially, but truly. In the midst of a battlefield of chaos, heartbreak, struggle, and betrayal, I found peace. I found it, simply because I wanted to find it.

“Blame nobody. Expect nothing. Do something.”
- Lloyd Carr

And suddenly all those hours spent in the library weren’t an escape from having to deal with the real world — they were just times of peace spent working and rewarding myself for that work with things that I loved. And the stories became beautiful testimonies to the power of love. And the cartoons and comics became a new world to explore. And the writing became something into which I could pour my soul. And the library became less of a shelter and fortress and more of a home.

And I woke up every day, happy to be alive and excited to see what the day would bring me. I got exponentially closer to the friends who were true and worth it, and I gave the less dependable friends what they gave me and no more. I dished out advice to people who needed it, I ignored people who weren’t worth my time, I made people laugh, I felt so grateful to be alive and to be in such an amazing city at such an amazing school. I only let myself be upset about things, big or small, for a maximum of half an hour. Life is beautiful, so why waste it being upset?

“You find beauty in ordinary things. Do not lose this ability.”
- A fortune cookie that I’ve received twice. I think it’s a sign.

I’m still living in this stage right now, and it’s been wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I even set alarms when I get upset, and I tell myself that I need to be over whatever’s annoying me by the time the alarm goes off. Sounds weird, but works like magic. I can do anything that I set my mind to.

And I’m ready to improve even more this summer and emerge as an Elaine even more in control, even more fun, even more interesting, and even more helpful.

mood: pretty damn fantastical
music: Beat on Repeat – Jet

To say that I’ve been reading a lot recently would be a complete understatement. I’ve been reading practically every hour of the day, and any time that I’m not reading, I’m writing something, whether it be an essay, a scene in my superhero story, or even just a text message.

I haven’t felt so good in a long time.

I’m not sure what exactly it is that’s making me so happy lately, but I’ve just been feeling so free and ambitious and powerful and damn good about myself. Yeah, there are problems in my life. Anxieties, insecurities, annoyances, difficulties. But they’re honestly not really getting to me. Is it the walls I’ve built? Is it the lessons I’ve learned? Is it my positive attitude? I don’t know, but I’m not going to question it.

“And if I’m flying solo / At least I’m flying free.” – “Defying Gravity,” Wicked

I’m flying through fanfiction, fiction review short stories, and school reading at the moment. Watching Justice League has of course gotten me into that fandom, and the community that I’ve been following produces some pretty high-quality fiction. The only thing more disappointing than a lack of fanfiction for some fandom is a lack of GOOD fanfiction for some fandom. Thank god that comic book/cartoon fans can actually write! It’s exciting, and I’m quite addicted.

I’ve also been reading a lot of stories for Berkeley Fiction Review, of which I am a part. There was a fiasco a few weeks ago when I realized that I hadn’t been logging the stories that I’d read (I’m required to review 50 for a passing grade), and the director of the organization said that she wasn’t just going to go by my word; I had to redo them, even though I’d already done like 35 stories. After stewing in anger and frustration for a day, I decided to read all 50 stories over the weekend in retaliation for the shitty situation. And to prove to myself that there was no reason getting bogged down/to let anything get me down. I actually managed to do it without going crazy and felt pretty awesome afterward. How’s that for overcoming obstacles!

Also have fallen in love with Paradise Lost and Shakespeare plays lately. Paradise Lost especially has been an eye-opener. Just… Wow. It was a struggle to get into and understand at first, but once I did, oh man. I was completely enthralled, to the point that I would be excited to go to lecture. I actually started drinking coffee regularly to ensure that I’d be able to remain awake throughout the entire duration of all the Paradise Lost lectures, LOL. Milton is an amazing artist, and I cannot fathom how he wrote that epic blind. What a baller!

Anyway. I’ve just been feeling really strong lately. I think maybe it’s my freedom that’s been fueling me. I’m definitely not infatuated with anyone right now and not really wanting to be. Seeing my friends in difficult relationships has really turned me off of the idea of ever engaging in them again. I mean, I know that I’m very different from them, so I could have completely different relationships with people. And I mean, I have some friends who are in some very solid and strong relationships, too, so it’s not like I’m blindly denying successful relationships or anything. But I’m pretty sure that getting with anyone right now, right here, would cramp my freedom, and I’m really not down for that ATM. Independence FTW!

I’ve also been feeling pretty good about my friendships lately. There are a few select people that I’m really sad that I don’t talk to anymore, but it’s come to the point that like… If they don’t appreciate me enough to make the effort, then I’m not going to bother. I’ve “bothered” for much too long. But for the people who are making the effort despite whatever gap has widened between us, I’m willing to go to the extra mile and take a leap. C.J. didn’t have battery class today, and Katie was doing drug testing for her summer job, so C.J. and I ended up hanging out alone at Qualcomm for a while, just talking like we used to. We discussed religion and then I shared my feelings/stories about being bi and coming out and stuff, and then he told me some really funny stories that I’d heard of vaguely but not in their entirety. It was fun and enlightening, and it made me feel better about our friendship, which has felt like it’s been waning this semester. So hooray!

Mark and I have been doing really well lately, too. We’re watching Glee together again (since it’s back), and he’s been coming up consistently to hang out with me and chill with my friends. He’s been coming to me for some support a lot lately, too, and I’m honored to help him as best as I can. Once, when he was really upset, he told me that he’s so proud of how strong I’ve grown this year and how far I’ve come. That made me really happy, along with the really, really nice note he left for me one morning: “Thanks for always being an amazing friend. Don’t know what I’d do without you. Love, Mark.” How special. I’ve come to the realization that our friendship has reached the like…lifelong quality that characterizes my friendship with Diana. No matter what happens to us, we’re going to last. I know it. In times of desperation and despair, we turn to each other. Sometimes it feels like there’s nobody else in the world who will listen the way that he does.

To show him how special he is to me, I baked him a pie for his birthday (which was on Friday)! A key lime pie, to be exact. Out of scratch, too! (Well, except for the crust, since I didn’t have the pan for it.) This doesn’t really happen, you understand. I love to cook, but I’m not much of a baker. It’s something that Mark always lamented when we were together, so I figured it’d be nice to go out of my way to make something for him. I hope it meant more because he knows that I don’t ordinarily do such things. But OMG, the night that I was going to give it to him, he texted me to tell me that my friends and I should go see him to help him finish the strawberry cheesecake that a girl in his a cappella group had baked him.

I was so upset, LOL. Anyone’s baking would be more legit than mine! The cheesecake tasting good was both exciting (just because I love good food, hahaha) and really disappointing (since mine would probably never measure up). My friends had to bear through me nudging their sides like the whole night in consternation, haha. I got even more upset when Mark told us about how his OTHER friend in DeCadence was making him a red velvet cake. How the hell do you beat a red velvet cake?!

Well, I did my best. He came up last night and I decorated the pie with whipped cream and fresh fruit that I’d bought the day before and an…inscription? Well, you know. Sugar-gel text, haha, reading “Happy Birthday, Bestest!” And he was genuinely really excited and delighted. I actually asked him if he was exaggerating/being sarcastic at first, heh, but he said that he wasn’t. He seemed to really like my card, too. So yay! I’m definitely one of those people who enjoy giving more than getting. There’s just something about that brief look of delight on anyone’s face when you give them something that they are really excited about — it’s beautiful and really heartwarming.

…So this entry was meant to talk about the power of words. Whoops. I’ll save it for another time, I guess. Time to eat some din, watch some JLU, and slink on over to the Daily Cal. Woot!

Break has been really great.

Despite the two papers I have looming over my head, I’ve been having a grand ol’ time. And it’s only been four and a half days. I still have like four and a half days left, hurrah!

Di texted me Friday night, “Youre [sic] taking me on a date when you get back. Text me.” And so we went to CPK, where we had a really fun meal catching up (even though we’ve been in constant contact while being at the opposite ends of the state) and just talking about random stuff. God, I love her. There aren’t enough words to express how much I love her. Yeah, sometimes she’s hella annoying. And I know she thinks I’m a dumbass half the time. But the beauty of our friendship is that those feelings don’t obstruct anything or really cause any problems. We’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized that this is never going to end. I mean, people throw around the whole “BFFL” thing a lot, but Diana is seriously that person that I don’t think is possible for me to stop being friends with. Like, I can’t even imagine a world without her. I love that our friendship lacks any kind of obligation. I don’t expect her to take care of me. I don’t expect her to care about my emotional problems. I don’t expect her to help. A lot of times she doesn’t. But there are also times when I’m upset and she’s the person that I go to, and she does help, and it’s really great. I don’t expect her to put me first, just as she doesn’t expect me to put her first. But a lot of times we end up putting each other first, anyway. And a lot of times, we just end up doing such best friend-y things even though we both have another person in our lives that has become more important in a way. I don’t really know how to explain it, but a lot of times I don’t necessarily put Di first or register that she is first-ish material just because we don’t need that kind of affirmation to know that we are always going to be here for each other, that we are always going to get along, that we are always going to have something to talk about. Di and I don’t really put much conscious effort into being BFFs. We just are.

Anyway, I was delighted that she had wanted to plan us hanging out before Spring Break had even started. And it was a lot of fun talking and hanging out (although she kept ragging on me for flirting with the waiter!). We went back to her place after din and watched Bitch Slap, which was a hilarious, intense, hot, and really violent movie that fascinated us. At first we thought it was just a trashy film but it ended up actually having some really great plot twists and hot characters (both characterization and physical appearance), so it actually ended up exceeding our expectations. And I just wanna say that I love that one of my best friends is a straight girl who checks out people as much as I do and has no reservations whatsoever about voicing my thoughts by complimenting an actress’s tits at every turn, hahaha.

After I went home, I stayed up until dawn watching Justice League, since I didn’t want the gore of the movie to haunt me/give me gory nightmares. And of course, I also did it just because I could, because I could wake up the next day whenever the fuck I wanted to! Woot.

Reading/suntanning in the park, eating good food, getting free cute clothes, playing Rock Band, and catching up with the Amphies… Break is off to a fantastic start!

mood: free
music: Rebirth – Hadouken!

On Friday, Di called me and told me that she was going to get this for me and get her a matching (but not identical) one, as friendship necklaces.

AWWW! It’s so cute when she’s randomly so sweet. Also… How cute is the pendant?!