mood: chill
music: Clocks – Coldplay

On January 6th, Mark came over and we just hung out all day. I made dinner but it turned out badly and I was disappointed but Mark was really nice about it and said it smelled really good, I just didn’t have flour on hand so the texture wasn’t right at all. We also made lemon cheesecake bars together, which was fun. Except that we were kinda n00bs about it, but they still tasted good, haha. Oh, and I conquered my fear of the oven! (C.J. says it’s more like paranoia than fear, but still.) I just put on that damn oven mitten and stuck my hand in the oven and pulled that container outta there. It made me feel pretty awesome, hahaha. You know what this means, though? It means that I can start baking! I’m excited. Must learn how to master a bunch of baked goods this summer. Hopefully I won’t fail too horribly.

That day served as kind of a reality check for me. It brought to surface a lot of emotions that I thought were long gone. I thought really hard for the next few days, and I sorted everything out in my head (as well as possible, anyway), so that’s good. I’m not going to pretend that everything is fine and dandy now that I’ve learned that everything isn’t, but facing your problems head on is definitely healthier than whatever was happening in my head before when I didn’t even realize this was really a problem. I understand myself a lot better, now, so I’m glad for that, but I definitely could’ve done without the agonizing nightmares. They were pretty tragic; I’m glad that they were only dreams.

It also served as a reality check in another way. For one, circumstances made me realize again how lucky I am to go to school in Berkeley, where nobody blinks an eye when I announce my bisexuality. I’m not saying that everyone’s like WOOHOO AWESOME but it’s definitely different from things at home, where it’s not necessarily the end of the world but it’s definitely far from awesome. I dunno. It’s been a long time since I had to feel defensive about it, I guess? :\

Went to work on the 7th and was very productive since there was like almost no business. Yay, writing! Then, I went home to eat stir-fried crab for dinner (mmm!) and then headed over to UTC, where I met with Mag for some Cha for Tea. We had a good time talking for hours, and it made me feel just…really happy to be friends with her. Mag and I definitely have one of those friendships where it’s like… No matter how frequently or infrequently we talk when we’re away from each other, we can always just pick up where we left off and it’s never awkward or anything, and it’s always fun. I’m so grateful for her. She’s gone through so much with me, and she’s put up with so much of my shit, and she’s always ready to be a good friend and to speak her mind whenever I go to her for anything, whether it be advice on decisions, opinions on my feelings, or even just book recommendations.

The first half of Friday the 8th was full of errand-running. Stopped by the bank, Target, Office Max, Barnes & Noble (talked to an awesome store rep about books and ended up getting some recs, which was pretty awesome; I want to work there so badly!), and GameStop. Had to go to multiple Targets and GameStops before I found freaking Wii remotes… It was ridiculous, but I got them in the end. And then Mark came over and played the new Super Mario Bros. game that I bought with Jess and me, which was a lot of fun (yet very frustrating for him, I’m sure, seeing as the two of us veer on the pathetic side in that game, haha).

I spent a lot of time in the next few days watching The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Justice League, and Yu-Gi-Oh! while working on the coasters that I was making my friends for Christmas (late presents since I got back so late and then had to go to Vegas). I really enjoy doing crafts, and I really liked catching up on those shows while doing something productive as well, so that was cool. I was a little emotionally unstable, too, for a few days, so it felt good to just keep myself busy. Reading and writing also helped for sure. I was really excited to start working on stuff again. I really hope that I can keep it up, now that I have school and socializing to worry about as well.

On Tuesday the 12th, Katie came over and we went to Pinkberry and just sat and talked about random stuff for a long time. It was laid back and nice. I always have a good time just talking with Katie, since we never seem to run out of things to say and stories to share with each other. She invited me to sushi with her friend at UCI but I had dinner plans so I took a raincheck. Went to Buca with Mark and my sister, and I stupidly was unaware that the coupon I’d been intending to use had expired and felt like a dumbass. Things seemed kind of really tense between Mark and me but I think he was just stressed out… I don’t know. We ended up going back to my place to play more Super Mario Bros, yay.

I spent the next few days mostly just working and spending time to myself. On Wednesday, Mark and I went to dinner at Veggie Grill and got some Cha. He convinced me to try Jade Green Milk Tea, which I really liked, hooray! We had good, long talks that made me very happy, and just chilled in general. The next day, we got Pinkberry and talked some more, and he asked me to accompany him on some errand running the next morning, but I had work. I’d traded shifts with someone so that I could spend time with Katie on Tuesday. But Mark seemed REALLY bummed so I tried reaching my mom unsuccessfully (she was sleeping)… The next morning I asked if I could switch shifts to the night one. She said no because the night person had school during the day. I told her I just wasn’t going to go because if I hadn’t been home, they would just have had to deal with not having a sub anyway. She freaked out and kept asking why I would not go and I just said that something came up; didn’t want to give her details because it would just be Thanksgiving all over again. I went to my room and called my aunt to tell her I wasn’t going to go in. But she said they were really desperate for help that day especially (since it was Friday) and I said fine and told my mom I was just going to go.

But then she went fucking NUTS over the fact that I wouldn’t tell her why I didn’t want to go. Like screaming nuts. Like ranting about how she could’ve raised two such horrible daughters nuts. She was absofucking RAVING. Venting much? She even brought up that Monday, when I had been in the middle of a bad argument and had been really upset and feeling like there was no point of doing anything anymore — and my dad had heard me crying and stormed in and acted like a fucking douchebag and then announced the fact to the whole house. My mom had come in and I had told her I didn’t want to talk about it but she wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone so I had to just kind of ignore her. Anyway, as she was going nuts, she kept asking really annoying questions about that night and why I had been crying and this SERIOUSLY pissed me off. Serious pet peeve = people who pry you and refuse to mind their own business. I told her that I had just been arguing with a friend, which happened regularly, she just wasn’t ever home to see it, which was not a bitter statement wanting her to be home more because I certainly don’t, but more like a “Bitch, do you seriously believe that my life stops when you’re not around?” Anyway, I was really effing pissed off. She kept talking about how I was “so different” now and never told her anything and more and all this fucking bullshit. I have no obligation to tell you everything that goes on in my life. I NEVER HAVE. You just can’t handle that instead of just not mentioning things, I actually straight up tell you that I’m not going to tell you things. Dumbshit. As you can see, I’m still pissed off about it. But whatever. I’m not going to cave into her demands. Pathetic.

Thank god for Mark, who said it was fine that I couldn’t go. I still really bad and disappointed, though.

Anyway. On Saturday, I had lunch with Mag, Kell, Manda, and Erin at Spectrum. Kell left because she was sick and didn’t want to walk around. After some satisfactory shopping, Mag had to leave because a family friend was having a baby or something. Manda, Erin, and I chilled at Barnes for a while, reading silly books and just talking. That was cool. Then, we were going to go to Erin’s to play RockBand, but Di called and said she wanted to play Super Mario Bros. and that Matt could help us, haha. After I got there with my game, she realized that she didn’t have the two controllers that she told me she had, so I had to drive home and pick up two more. Then, I tried to go to Target to trade one in for the super Wii remote thing, but they were sold out, so then I got annoyed that I had just wasted all that time. And then when I got back to Di’s, they were just watching a movie and not even playing so I was like WTF did I just do all that for nothing? But then later we did end up playing so that was a relief. Erin went home around seven, but Di, Matt, Amanda, and I went to eat dinner at Buca di Beppo, which was relatively fun. I like Matt a lot.

So yeah. The next morning, Mark picked me up at like ten to go to the airport to head to another home.

mood: resigned
music: Bad Romance – Lady GaGa

On the 29th, I worked and then hung out with Di afterward. I wanted to spend some time with her alone before she went back to San Diego because I’ve really missed her. I’ve hung out with her and my other friends, but she treats me very differently when other people are around. I feel like a lot of my friends are like this, though; not sure if that’s a bad thing or just a weird trend. I don’t mind too much, though; I mean, I assume that the way they act towards me when we’re alone reveals more clearly how they actually see me. I helped her with her Christmas present craft project and we talked for a long time about all kinds of things. It felt really good. And she was telling me about Matt and mentioned something interesting about how she would never help me with my emotional problems even though I’m her best friend but she helps Matt with his all the time. It was a weird thing to tell me but very interesting at the same time. I’d wondered about that, actually; I’d wondered how she would connect emotionally with someone, since she’s so very much…not about comforting or sensitive at all. She has really defied my expectations of how she would behave in a relationship. I’m very happy for her. She and Matt are really good for each other; I like their dynamic a lot. They’re so cute together, too. I’m really glad that she’s found someone with whom she really clicks.

The next day, I hung out at Spectrum with Mag, Kell, and Amanda. I wanted to make sure that I would see them as much as possible before they had to go back to school (Berkeley starts really late). We watched The Blind Side, which I enjoyed. It was a very good story and I thought it was neat that it was based on a true story. I also liked that it wasn’t made to be a tearjerker but was heartwarming at the same time.

The next day was New Year’s Eve, and I went to Kelly’s house for their annual New Year’s Eve party. I was really sad that Wendy didn’t cook so it was just a potluck. It was still fun, though. We played Scene It! Jr. and Taboo (which I dominated at, which made me extremely proud). We also talked a lot about school, but not in a gross way. Found out that Amanda has registered for classes (good) and Erin has decided on a major (great!). We also did our Christmas present exchange. I got a $60 gift card to Best Buy (it was supposed to be so I could buy a new camera, but I did that with the giftcard my parents gave me, so I guess I just have a bunch of money for Best Buy now), a cool nameplate thing that Erin made for me, and a cool keepsake trinket box that Di made for me. I didn’t get to pass out my presents to people because I haven’t finished them yet, but hopefully I’m forgiven since I got back from school so much later than everyone and then was stuck in Vegas for so many days. Anyway… Just before midnight, we joined everyone in the kitchen and passed out funny hats (I got one of my favorite color, yes!) and counted down. We spent the rest of the night just talking and looking up funny YouTube videos (Diana went through like a hundred videos of narcoleptic people and animals…).

My best girl!

I love these guys so much. We go way, way back. ♥

Con Diana's gifts!

Hung out with Mark on Friday. Was gonna watch Avatar but there were a gazillion people at the theaters so we took a raincheck. Had Corner Bakery for dinner and talked for a long time. We were chatting pretty loudly about some topics and I noticed that people looked at us, and I realized that I’d forgotten how different things are in Orange County. It’s easy to forget about the way the rest of the world is when you’re at Berkeley. Afterward, we hung out at Barnes & Noble for a while, reading some cute and interesting little books. I was going to buy the last book of the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series but then Mag texted me and told me that she’d bring her copy so that I could save money by not buying the hardcover version (paperback isn’t out yet). So then we decided to go to Pinkberry, where Mark got a ridiculous number of toppings, haha. And I got a ridiculous amount of pomegranate, hooray! We talked for a long time there, too. There’s this way in which I can talk to Mark that I can’t talk to anyone else. Sometimes he’s so uninterested in what I have to say, but maybe that’s why I treasure so dearly the times when we talk for a really long time and he’s interested in like everything I have to say. It’s kinda like that when I talk to Di, too, I guess, but the dynamics are way different in the two relationships. (Do you ever think that’s weird? When you can see similarities in your close friends? Makes you wonder if people with those characteristics are drawn to you, or if you’re drawn to people with those characteristics. I guess it reminds me a bit of people who have like a “type”, you know? I dunno.)

Saturday morning, Mag came over and then we drove Diana to the post office because she didn’t know where it was. Dunno why she didn’t just use her GPS, but I didn’t mind. Then, we went to Ralphs to buy some ingredients to cook with and went back to my house to make Diana’s special BCEs (Bacon/Cheese/Egg). She instructed us to soak the egg in soy sauce, which grossed me out (cheese and soy sauce? Ew!) but then it ended up being really good. You couldn’t even taste the soy sauce, so it was just so that the egg wouldn’t taste plain. Then, we drove to Di’s, where we were joined by Amanda, and we played Super Mario Bros on the Wii, which was a lot of fun. We pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon playing it, except for a half hour run to Ralphs again for batteries for the Wii remotes and some snacks. And we only got to like World 3. We were really bad at it. Like, god-I’m-ashamed-to-be-a-girl bad. But we had fun, which is what matters, haha. Although I have to admit that I was the worst player out of us (as usual). At one point they even kicked me off, LOL. But then we got another controller so then they let me play again, yay!

On Sunday, I went to Disneyland with Katie and Dana. Dana’s sister was supposed to come with us, but there was intense family drama so we ended up not going until like 3 or 4ish. I didn’t mind because I was feeling kinda lazy and that way I could save on a pricey meal at Disneyland. The traffic at the park was insane, but we got to talk a lot so that was cool. Oh yeah, Katie brought her friend Amanda (although she only stayed for like an hour or two) so that was cool meeting her. Disneyland was laid back and fun; it was really crowded but the lines weren’t too insane. Dana really doesn’t like waiting, so we didn’t really wait very long for anything but somehow we managed to get on a bunch of rides anyway, yay! Especially had a lot of fun being obnoxious on Big Thunder, haha. We sat in the front so that Dana could say hi to her friend who was working there, and wow, it’s such a different ride from that perspective! (I usually ask for the back because it’s wilder.) At some points it was really slow but at others it was insane and a lot of fun because I didn’t know what was coming. At the end, we just hung out in Fantasyland; rode Pinnochio, Storybook Land, and went on the train twice, haha. The guy operating the train kept flirting with Dana and Katie, haha, which was pretty amusing.

I finished the Percy Jackson series that night, which made me really sad! I wish it went on forever and ever and ever… Except obviously not ’cause chances are that the quality would decrease but still. I tried looking up fanfiction but I just wasn’t into it… I think this might just be one of those things I just relive by rereading. Ah well! Must admit that I’m excited for the movie, even though it’ll probably be a disappointment.

On Monday, I hung out with Mark. We went to go see Avatar, which was pretty cool. I definitely felt like it lacked something as a movie, but I’m glad that I watched it. The CGI was freaking amazing, and the concepts were pretty cool. It was definitely like…a twisted version of Pocahontas, though, haha. Enjoyed it, but it’s not going on the fave lists or anything. I liked the ending a lot, though, even though it was very predictable. Anyway, after the movie, Mark treated me to Jamba Juice (yes!) and then we went back to his house and had dinner and then just chilled. He showed me the music to this gig he has, which was all either odd or corny, haha. But good money is good money, I suppose.

Tuesday (yesterday) was spent working… Took two shifts at the Bakery ’cause one of the workers got a DUI. Yay, income! I need to ask my mom for all the bank statements so that I can pay her back for the money I spent this semester and get the burden of debt off my back. I’m pretty sure that I have enough to pay her back, I just need to know exactly how much I owe her. And I’m finally going to start putting my money in my BoA account so I don’t need to mix up the money I use to pay for things like tuition and books with my own money I use for like food and shopping and concerts and all that good stuff.

Anyway… Ya! It’s been a pretty good week.

mood: confident
music: Ke$ha – Tik Tok

My family spent Christmas in Vegas again, surprise surprise. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sin City, but we go there twice a year, do essentially the same things, and get in essentially the same arguments. It gets kind of repetitive. But I guess going anywhere else would induce complaining from Jess (who doesn’t think that vacation is good for anything other than shopping), and if we stayed home, it would induce complaining from Jess that we were being boring (it happened a couple of years ago). The “real” reason we go so much, though, is that my dad has VIP membership to the Venetian, which generously invites him to its resort with complimentary housing. Like, this trip we only paid the Venetian $120 for food and board (well, no board, I suppose). So that’s pretty cool, especially since Vegas boarding is so expensive (I freaking love the hotels, though).

I told myself that I had to enjoy the trip this time. My family is not a lot of fun to be around (the good, laughing times are always punctured by arguments and irritating comments and criticism and awkwardness) and vacation always results in a lot of grumpiness from every corner. I’m definitely not exempt. So I decided this time that I would actively stop myself from getting too grumpy or pissy and just have a good time, because it’s about time to shed the moody teenager act and act in uncomfortable or undesired situations like a damn adult. I’m lucky to be able to go on these vacations, especially if we’re being given complimentary housing, so why waste it being in a bad mood? It kind of worked. My family still kind of got on my nerves pretty frequently, but I tried to just let it slide. I need to do this more often in my life anyway. A lot of times, things that should get to me don’t so I come across relatively good-tempered, but when things do piss me off, I sometimes don’t really know how to deal with it. I think learning when to confront problems and the people causing them versus when to just let them slide is a vital part of growing up. I’m definitely still learning.

Anyway, the drive was relatively calm and devoid of arguments, which was a relief. I worked on my new superhero story and read a YGO! manga. When we arrived at the Palazzo, they told us that they had no more rooms with two beds. Which was ridiculous because we’d already called to confirm before we left that there would be rooms for us. So my parents complained to the manager and he told us he could get us some but it would take a couple of hours. So we just had a late lunch at the Cafe and they had a room for us by the time we finished, yay. Later that night, went to have midnight dinner at a yummy Asian noodle place at the Venetian. Jess was grumpy but the food was good so that’s okay.

The next day, we went to the Mirage to have their international buffet, which is always very good. Enjoyed the snow crab legs, mmm. At night, we went to go see the O Show at Bellagio, which was trippy and pretty…eccentric but featured some amazing acrobats, dancers, and musicians. Was inspired to make one of the characters in my superhero story an acrobat! The next day, we went to the new City Center to check it out and had lunch at the Aria. I really liked all the contemporary architecture! It was really creative and cool looking. Had lunch at a cafe there, and it was overpriced and took forever and the portions were tiny, but the corn chowder was good, I guess. We spent the rest of the day just chilling in the hotel room and I read My Sister’s Keeper, which was…super intense.

When I finish a book, I like to let it sink in. I just finished Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper, which was very good, but also really heavy. The subject matter is one of those really controversial ones. Can you imagine losing your sibling? Your child?

I can’t. I often consider the possibility of losing friends, but I always take my sister for granted. I speculate on my parents’ deaths much more often, between my father’s frequent flights and my mother’s dependence on us. I dreamt once, though, many years ago of Jess dying and me screaming, screaming to go back and save her.

I am whizzing through books, searching for release. Release, relief in the form of a fight against Medusa, in the form of Malik’s revenge, in the form of Gogol’s failed marriage, in the form of Moushimi’s affair, in Anna’s inner conflict, in Campell’s convoluted love. To remind myself that there are problems bigger than mine. But is it wrong that these are fictional? But then again — to what degree are they fictional? Marriages fail every day, and people always have to choose between two people or things they love. We may not all be swordwielders bent on traveling to the Underworld, but we all doubt ourselves, we all think we’re doing the right thing for the people we love when really all we’re doing is hurting them. We all think that we are the center of the universe when there are so many things bigger than us, we all think that we are suffering unjustly when there are so many people suffering more than we are. We all make choices each day to try to take control of our lives, and many times, those decisions are ones that we regret.

mood: regretful
music: Dreams Be Dreams – Jack Johnson

On the 22nd, I went to Disneyland with Katie, Dana, and C.J.! It was…really trippy but definitely a lot of fun. Katie and Dana drove down to my house and it was the weirdest thing to see them standing on my doorstep in Southern California. We drove to Disneyland and… Oh jesus. Dana is insane. She has two friends who work there, and they were both working there that day, so we got all these hookups. The entire day, we only really stood in line for like two rides, and they were 15 minutes or less. One of her friends gave us eight of those passes you get when the ride breaks down (lets you cut the line for any ride except for Toy Story Mania, for a group up to six people) and then gave us some handicapped/seniors ride switcher pass thingies for Space Mountain. Then, another friend gave us a bunch of Fastpasses for Big Thunder. At one point, Dana also had to talk to the guy at the entrance of Big Thunder and tell him that we knew the guy loading people onto the ride and wanted to go say hi to him so that he would let us through. I said to Katie, “Look, Dana’s working the Sandia magic right now!” and was amused that I felt as if we were trying to get into a party by namedropping, haha.

We met C.J. around five and got to meet his family briefly. After going on Haunted Mansion, we headed over to the other park, where they somehow convinced me to go on Tower of Terror (which I’ve been on before a decent amount of times but which I have a bad history of chickening out on — and crying in line because I’m so terrified, LOL). I was really uncertain but I made a pact to myself to do things that I’m afraid of this year… So I was flipping out even as I was putting my seat belt but I went on it, and it was…fun. Still not like…thrilling fun yay, but like… Okay, the adrenaline rush from that was kind of exhilarating and it wasn’t as bad as I’d remembered. I did scream pretty hard, though, until it got to the part where I was terrified out of my mind so I couldn’t even muster a scream. (My favorite part of the ride is still the moment when I realize that the drops are over, haha.) After the ride, I confessed to my friends that the first time I’d gone on the ride, I’d gone again two more times because I enjoyed myself. I hadn’t wanted to tell them because they would be like WTF? about me being scared and might have disregarded my legitimate fear.

But not only did I conquer that demon, I also went on Maliboomer for the first time. They were REALLY adamant about me going on it, and they, like the Amphies, said that it was way easier than Tower of Terror. I was…even more uncertain about this one since I honestly had no idea what it was like, but I ended up going on it. I kind of had a little panic attack when I put the vomit mask thing in front of me because it felt…way too contained and enclosed and umm, claustrophobia + acrophobia = not a good idea. The attendant undid the thing for me so that I could escape, but Dana blocked the seatbelt latch and yelled “NO, YOU HAVE TO STAY!”. It was alarming but I realized I was being stupid and Mark and the Amphies would be proud of me if I went on it. So I stayed. And it was…kind of a disappointment, honestly, haha. Kind of like Splash Mountain when I went on it the first time. I was like, “Wait, is that it? I definitely just wasted a lot of energy being scared, haha.” I apologized profusely for them having to put up with me being stupid about this kind of stuff, but they assured me that it wasn’t annoying and that they were happy to help. And C.J. told me that he was proud to be friends with someone who was facing their fears, which was nice, haha.

We hung out with C.J.’s family for the last hour or two, and I was a little offended that my friends made jibes about how I should stay away from his brother let my dirty mouth get the best of me. I think the fact that I was bothered so much by the implication is a sign that I should lay off on the swearing, though, so that’s definitely going to be one of my resolutions for next year. I guess it really goes along with the whole “think before you speak and act” thing I’m going for… I find myself relating to John Mayer’s “My Stupid Mouth” way too often for my own comfort.

Katie and Dana were exhausted by the time we headed home, so I was glad that I was driving. I’ve gotten a lot better and more comfortable with driving freeways now, which is a relief. They stayed over and then the next morning we met Sandia for her birthday lunch at Ango Tei, which was kind of pricey but served some really good sushi. I got Tuna/Albacore tataki, and the fish was really fresh and of good quality. We caught up with each other and shared random stories and at the end, the really nice waitress even brought Sandia a tiny little birthday platter, with wasabi with a candle in it, haha. We didn’t even tell her it was Sandia’s birthday, but I guess she heard us when we came into the store and were all, “Happy birthday!” So that was nice of her.

Afterward, everyone drove home and I just spent the rest of the day to myself, which was kind of a relief after all the hustle and bustle. I started watching Justice League and started the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series, which I’m suddenly a big fan of. While the protagonist can be kind of like…overexaggeratedly twelve-years-old at times (which works if you’re younger and reading from his perspective but can just get annoying if you’re older than him), Rick Riordan’s imagination is pretty admirable. Since I’ve loved Greek mythology since I was little, I find it absolutely ingenious how he weaves the Greek gods and their stories into the modern world. (And you know I’m a total sucker for cheesy stories about magic and saving the world.) I’m not going to tout it as the most amazing literature on the planet, but I have to admit, I’m a little addicted. I was really bummed to not be able to buy the rest of the series at the bookstore before we left for Vegas! But now I’m reading My Sister’s Keeper, so that’s okay, I guess. (Albeit depressing as all hell, jesus.)

mood: unstressed
music: Electric Feel – MGMT

Oh my god, Winter Break is amazing.

It’s only been three and a half days, but I am seriously enjoying myself so hard. I’ve pretty much been constantly busy, but the hustle and bustle is the good kind. As in, it involves no stress! It’s so lovely to come home and realize that I don’t have to catch up on any reading, or write any papers, or study for any tests. And I’m being kept so busy that both the bad memories that plague me here and depressing thoughts that have attempted to conquer me lately are being kept at bay. I understand workaholics a little more, now, I think. But I’m in a good mood so let’s talk about happier things!

Hmm, where to start reccapping? I’ve pretty much given up on covering the entire semester in detail, but some highlights of fall semester: spending two months with Mark in an intense and difficult but still amazing limbo (one of the most depressing times of my life and yet the most…happy, in a twisted way), making friends and acquaintances and being liked (Kayla: “So you actually have friends now?” Ouch, but somebody had to say it, haha), finding a niche and settling down, gay lounge hilarity, 8th floor whore nights/the mornings after; fun Millanese Cafe times; happy Norikonoko ramen trips; going to Qualcomm three days a week to waste meal points on extra avocado and bacon and bond with C.J., Katie, and occasionally Eleanor; being held by Sandia while I cried; being given hugs by C.J. whenever I needed it; talking to Katie for hours and hours and telling her both deep and stupid secrets; bonding time with Jordan after Journalism; SEEING JASON MRAZ LIVE; visiting San Francisco; Halloween!; observing C.J. and Jordan’s jam sessions; watching movies on laptops and beds; study sessions; afternoon hanging out; getting-to-know-you talks; inside jokes; catchphrases; figuring out future living plans; figuring out group dynamics; figuring out individual boundaries; building tolerance; building courage; building love.

Healing myself, reconstructing myself, establishing myself, revising myself.

Learning — Learning to make a move. Learning to let myself go and just be natural. Learning to get the fuck out of the shell that had kept me so shy for so long. Learning to initiate meals, and hangouts, and visits. Learning how to be a good friend (too late). Learning how to treat people right. Learning how to put my head before my heart. Learning how to put my heart away entirely. Learning how to deal with being hurt at the very thought of being the one left behind. Learning how to have a temper to control. Learning how to not be selfish. Learning to think before I speak, to think before I act. Learning to be honest. Learning how to keep secrets. Learning how to keep my mouth shut. Learning how to be more considerate. Learning how to stand up for myself, to not devalue myself. Learning how to not be a stupid bitch to the people I care about most in the world (still learning). Learning how to reach out. Learning how to offer advice for a diverse expanse of problems. Learning how to be completely open with my affection. Learning how not to be afraid. Learning to be single. Learning to be my own person. Learning to be loudspoken, to be funny, to be decisive (I’m hungry!). Learning to be Elaine (definitely still learning).

And then after all that good stuff came Dead Week (we get a week off to study and review the semester’s material) and Finals Week, boo. I started preparing pretty early and planned out my study plan and everything, and I would do pretty well not stressing out (as I resolved to accomplish this semester)…until it got to like hours before the test and I would just flip out. But maybe I’ll work more on that next semester. At first I was like oh no I’m not going to see everyone for so long! How weird! and it was sad to see everyone leaving, but then as the hall began to vacate, I started getting more and more eager to just be done and be able to go home. Unfortunately, I had a final on the second-to-last day, yuck. But that’s all over with now so hooray! I survived!

My flight back home went smoothly (I read a lot of Jhumpa Lahiri’s The Namesake, which I fall deeper and deeper in love with with every page I read) and literally thirty seconds after I walked out of the gate, Diana called me to announce that she was going to pick me up in half an hour, along with Jayne and Kayla, to go visit Alex in Huntington Beach. So we went, and of course we got lost halfway as is typical with Di at the wheel (despite her fancy schmancy GPS system), and walked into a party which was a total bust so then we left because we had better things to do. Such as go to Diana’s and watch Funny People (a movie I wasn’t really very fond of because you seriously just disliked all the characters because they were too flawed) and get fresh donuts at one of the only places in this town that is open past midnight.

The next morning, overslept and had to run around crazily in the morning to make it to Spectrum, where I hung out with Mag, Kell, Erin, Sara, and Manda. Had sushi for lunch at the food court and then went shopping for a while. Got two really cute skirts that I’m feeling pretty gleeful about. Forever 21 got huge, OMFG. It was ridiculous. Shared sweet potato fries with Manda as a snack and then got some Pinkberry (pomegranate yogurt + pomegranate seeds + raspberries = AMAZING). Definitely treated myself to some very loved and very missed foods… I’ll probably be regretting that the next time I look at my bank statement. Then, we headed over to Kell’s, where we just chilled for a while before having some yummy Main Street Pizza delivered. Except we didn’t eat pizza; we just had pasta. But it was damn good, as usual! After din, we made cookies, which turned out really shitty because Di used the 2/3 cup for some stuff instead of the 1/2 that the recipe called for, so that was disappointing… But they were fun to decorate anyway, with Kell’s insane amount of cookie-decorating supplies. And the delicious frosting that we got masked the floury taste of the cookies anyway.

Then, we got kicked out of Kell’s because she and her family had to pack for their departure to Hawaii the next morning, so we decided to go to Mag’s apartment! We just chilled there and made Maggie go through all the clothes that she didn’t like and show us so that we could fix them up or put them in outfits that were super cute, LOL. It was way more fun than it should’ve been, but we definitely came up with some really great outfits with some really random crap, haha. After I dropped Mag back off at her house, ‘Manda, Di, and I went to Lee’s Sandwiches and had a midnight snack. I got Jess some because I know she loves them, but she was asleep when I got home after I dropped everyone off! She was so gleeful yet disappointed the next morning that she decided to just heat them up in the toaster oven, haha.

Then, yesterday was half family day, half Mark day. Went to Olive Garden with the family, which was…okay. My dad kept bothering me about my weight and my acne (scars), which was really annoying, but whatever. I told my mom about losing my camera… She barely flinched. It was really bizarre; she was just like, “Oh, well, I have this $150 giftcard we can use to get you another one for Christmas.” I was really startled because I’d been so terrified to tell her about it ever since I lost it. So that was definitely a relief. Ended up going with Jess to the Sony store to get another one that day, which was even weirder. I hadn’t intended to get one until after Christmas or whenever my parents were free, but my mom was randomly panicking about how I wouldn’t have a camera when we go to Vegas for Christmas. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but I’m not complaining, haha.

I got the Sony Cybershot DSC-W230, which is technically a downgrade from the line my previous one belonged to, but even though the new one of that line is really pretty in the blue, I’m really not a big fan of touchscreen, and its ridiculous slimness kind of scared me because it felt like it’d be way too easy to drop. So I opted for the one I got, which was way cheaper and came in a pretty blue too. I’m really happy with it and really thankful to my parents.

After dinner (fried shrimp!), went over to Mark’s house to hang out. Played on his new and very cool electric violin and watched music videos and helped him make a cool collage for Hotaru’s birthday. Had a good, chill time, and ended up staying until like 5 AM or something, oops! Surprised his mom didn’t really say anything, but I guess curfews don’t matter as much since we’re not dating anymore. That’s kinda cool, I guess.

The next day, I went to Yen for sushi with my mom and my sister (crunch rolls, yay!) and had some good laughs. Then, ran some errands and picked up some stuff at Target and Albertsons with Jess. Then, Mag came over and we went to Boiling Crab with Amanda and Erin. Forgot how Maggie is actually not that great at directions except she totally seems like she’s so sure of herself that you follow her directions and then end up getting lost — which is definitely what happened. It was a good adventure, I guess, albeit gas-wasting and kind of distressing. Waited like two hours for a table, but the food was really good and we had a lot of fun. Got to teach ‘Manda and Erin how to peel shrimp! I guess I’ve taken that skill for granted since Asians eat it that way all the time, haha. But yeah, it was yummy! And afterward, we went to Erin’s to play Rock Band, and I’ve gotten a lot better at it since the last time I played! I dunno how, but it was pretty thrilling to actually hit notes consistently… Haha! Definitely enjoyed myself. And we got chocolate satin pie, yum. It was a good day!

And…hopefully, tomorrow will be awesome, too! Going to Disneyland with my Cal friends! God, I love break!