mood: lucky
music: Everything – Michael Buble

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison

Today, I will admit to you, to my friends, and to myself something that we all know but never discuss —

Without hope or agenda, because it’s a day that would have been special to us if things were different: I really miss you.

Thank you for all the good days, all the not-so-good ones, and everything in between.

I am not sad, for our lives are good. I am not holding on, for there is a whole world to explore. I am not bitter, because our love was true. I am not waiting, because there’s more to life. I am not expectant, because I remember our promises and our not-promises. I am not hopeless, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Instead, I am happy. Happy that you have found something that you have been searching for; happy that I have become a better person and am discovering and rediscovering myself every day. Happy that we are cordial, that we are supportive, that we are caring, that we are loving towards each other. Happy that you are my bestest.

Instead, I am keeping an open mind.

Instead, I wake up every morning excited to see what the day will bring me.

And more importantly than all of this —

Thank you for being my best friend. I am so fortunate and glad to have you in my life. Here’s to tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow!

mood: liberated
music: Shake My Hand – The Jakes/Young the Giants

I love you because you set me free. But I want to set you free, too. And… I want to set me free, too.

I love you because we match.

I love you because you keep coming back, too.

I love you because you don’t give me what I want… You give me what I need.

I love you because I know you, and you know me, but at the same time there’s still so much to learn, so much room to grow.

I love you because it’s not hard, it’s not easy — it just is.

I love you simply because I do.

I regressed over break, but I won’t let this love hold me down any longer. Because I love you. Because I love myself. And because you love me, too.

Seriously. I love you, man. Here’s to happiness, and to the power of our friendship. I’m all for many, many happy decades to come.


Tonight, Mark set me free. He has before, and I flew away, only to backtrack when I became uncertain of the direction in which I was flying. Tonight, I fly away again, but my wings feel much lighter.

and if i’m flying solo
at least i’m flying free


I feel good.


“I’m so afraid of losing something I love, that I refuse to love anything.”

“It’s easy to be emotional. You can always make a scene… Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they’re nothing.”

“So what’s something?”

“Being reliable is something. Being good.”

- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer


♥

I really love our dynamic. And how well we know each other. When we were at Veggie Grill, Mark lifted the saucer with the sweet potato fries in it and placed it separately on the table so that the plate had more space for us to share our food. And I went, “Ohhh!” and he looked at me and laughed and said, “You were just going to say ‘That’s so smart!’, weren’t you?” as I was about to do just that. I admitted that he’d definitely called me out, and pointed out that I had hesitated before saying it because I knew exactly what his response would be: a very dry “Yeahhh, Elaine”, and then he laughed and said that yeah, that would’ve been his exact reaction. And like, in the middle of playing Super Mario, I randomly thought of something that had been bothering me and burst out, “Did you use PAM?” (when he made the crust for the lemon cheesecake bars) and he didn’t hesitate to say that no, he didn’t, before bursting out in laughter just as I started cracking up. Little things like that.

mood: depressed
music: The Scientist – Coldplay

nobody said it was easy
nobody said that it would be this hard

What have I done?

I found happiness, despite the breakup and everything that followed… But everything is so wrong. I felt for so long that everything was going the way that it should, but now all I can think about is what I did wrong and what I should’ve done better and how we’re supposed to be, how we wanted to be.

And how we’re not, and how hopeless everything feels.

Please don’t let me lose him. Please, I swear to god…

Goddamn, I feel so hollow inside.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, not because of the food (okay, fine, half because of the food) but because it gives me a chance to reflect on my life and all the wonderful things in it.

I am thankful.

For being here, alive, today. Many times in the past three months, I have felt that I would rather die than feel the pain I was suffering and have wondered if it would be better just to end everything for good, but my friends have helped me move from that. We all suffer so much in our lives, but there are so many things from which we have the opportunity to derive joy, as well. I am thankful for anything that makes me smile, because it has kept me from that dreadful abyss.

For being happy, despite everything. For a long time, Mark was the light of my life. Certainly not my only source of happiness (my friends were definitely the bright stars to Mark the Sun), but most definitely an incredibly large contributor to it. That time is over (for now, at least), as he moves on, and I follow in suit. But…I have found happiness in being at peace with myself, and in the camaraderie and support of the friends I have found at Berkeley, and in the love and loyalty of my friends from home, and in the presence of Mark in my life. And for this I am endlessly grateful.

For another chance with Mark. I never imagined that I would truly have another one, after everything that happened in the summer. I hoped and dreamed, sure, but it pretty much just fell into my lap. Now, this is the hard part, living apart — mentally, emotionally, physically, romantically. Who knows what will end up happening? I won’t ask for certainty in that… In fact, I don’t need it. I have never been one for a planned future. I am just thankful that our love has not gone to waste. I am grateful for the knowledge that whatever happens in the future, we once bared our souls to each other and changed how the other perceived life and shared a dream. And even if how we see our relationship changes in the future, I am so thankful that we were once at a point when there was nothing in the world more certain than our love for each other and our desire to be together for the rest of our lives.

For another chance for college friends. After everything last year, I was so terrified of going back to Berkeley, especially without the security blanket of Mark. I didn’t really think that I would really make friends; I hoped and dreamed of it, but I didn’t really believe it. But here I am, surrounded by these wonderful people, who have already proven to me over and over again that they love me and support me and care for me and are here for me, who have shown me that they really think that I’m worthy of being friends with, that I make enjoyable company, that I am someone they are interested in getting to know better. Every day, I am so thankful for this second chance at a successful social college experience. Without it, I don’t know if I would be at all happy today, if I would be standing on my two feet, if I could have moved on after everything that happened with Mark.

For my wonderful new friends. For Sandia’s good morning hugs and sympathetic and worried looks every time I cough and declarations of love and understanding talks and absolute love of fun. For CJ’s amazing support and understanding and comforting hugs and wittiness and fun/relaxing company and studybuddyness and our dynamic that allows us to just hang out for hours. For Katie’s endless stories and general goofiness and how well we get along and our ability to talk about anything for hours. For Jordan’s affectionate teasing and funny Asian jibes and genuine concern and comfort when I’m truly upset. For Dana’s trust in me and support for me. For Dan’s relentless but interesting rambling, for Eleanor’s approachability, for Amy’s willingness to join us to talk, for Lara’s reassurance. For Julian’s respect, for Chris and Judy and Mike and Shark and formerly Patrick’s affection. For random conversations and smiles and elimination of awkward silence in the bathroom. For having people to say hi to in the elevator, for people to go to dinner with. For people to walk to class with. For wonderful, wonderful QualComm lunch bonding time. For people to say good night to. For people to ask, “How was your weekend?” and “How was your night?” and “Are you sure you should have another one?” and, best of all… “What’s wrong?”

For my amazing old friends. For Di’s phone calls and supportive talks and ability to always make me laugh. For Alex’s checkup texts and dedication. For Amanda’s support and interest. For Kell’s weekly texts that get me all excited. For Mag’s willingness to sit through hours of updates. I don’t know what’s happened to Jayne and Erin, which terrifies me. But I’m thankful that when we do talk, it’s not awkward. Jayne called me a week or so ago, and it really made my day. I know she’s so busy, and I feel like she’s purposely distanced herself from me, but I really miss her. I’ve thought about contacting her a lot, but Mark’s right, thinking of being a good friend is not the same as acting as a good friend. I’ll try contacting her more, and Erin too. They mean so much to me.

For my family. Despite how much I dread family time (always filled with incessant arguing and awkwardness and rolled eyes and awkward laughs and uncertainty), I do love my family. I truly appreciate the laughter and stories and familiarity that my sister and I always share, no matter how long we’ve been apart. I am so grateful that she’s growing up (slowly but surely) and we’re able to connect more as I grow up more as well. And I do enjoy all of my mom’s stories and the good times that we spend together, whether it’s in a car or at a sushi restaurant. And I’m thankful for the tokens of affection that Dad buys us on all of his business trips away, and it doesn’t quite make up for his absence in our lives and his unawareness of much of anything about us, but I don’t begrudge him for those things. I am just thankful that my parents are still together and still affectionate and that despite all their weird arguing, they still get along. And I am thankful that despite her temper and narrow view of the world, Jess still respects me and likes spending time with me.

For my things, my money, my electronics. Always grateful for these things, without which I would live a completely different life.

For the Internet. Without which I wouldn’t really be much of anything.

For my health. Even if it has been wavering recently (I keep getting sick and my eczema is almost worse than it’s ever been and I’m just barely 100 lbs. again and I keep breaking out), I am thankful that my limbs are working, that I can walk, that I can talk and hear and run and see and experience the world as I do.

For food. Trying to be less picky, trying to eat meat more, trying new things. I’m lucky just to have food to be picky about.

For college at an amazing school. A school that fits me so well, with its crazy protests, its students who put their heart and soul into causes they believe in, its students who support same-sex marriage, who throw crazy Obama rallies (that I missed, unfortunately), who say “Oh my god, what a joke” to the crazy fundies protesting at the Telegraph/Durant intersection. In a word, its utter…Berkeleyness. This semester, I realized… I don’t know if I could be so happy anywhere else. So I am very proud and very thankful. Go Bears!

For what brains I do have. CJ’s right, just because I’m not fantastic at math and science doesn’t mean that I’m not smart. The humanities are academics too, and require a different sort of skill that I definitely have more of. I know I’m still not the brightest crayon in the box, but I do try my hardest, and I do realize that I probably didn’t get this far by only working hard without using my brain. So I am grateful for what smarts I do have.

For the will to go on. After everything… It was difficult to look forward to tomorrow, another day of suffering and confusion and doubt and hurt. But I trudged on in life, and look where it’s gotten me. “And some days you may feel that there is no ending / But if you give up now you’ll never know if you could have won” is one of my favorite lines from Scott Alan’s “The Distance You Have Come” (one of my favorite songs).

For the confidence to be myself. If I hadn’t decided to just go out there and give socializing everything that I’ve got, then where would I be now? I honestly have no idea. So I am very, very grateful for my confidence in myself and the strength I mustered when I got to Berkeley and realized that I got nowhere by being quiet and shy and afraid to be myself last year. Life’s all about trial and error, yeah? And I found success in being myself, and every day, I feel like I am tested to take the easier route and succumb to old habits or to be strong and overcome temptations and just keep striving to be better. And to just continue to be me, and to continue being friends with people who accept me for who I really am — they’re the only people who are really worth being friends with anyway, yeah?