mood: fantastic
music: Islands – The XX

I feel great! Seriously, I’ve been feeling effing fantastic lately. What’s the difference?

Embracing change. Change in friendships, change in relationships, change in feelings, change in attitudes. Being productive. Being ahead on homework, spending class time both listening to interesting lectures and pounding out my blossoming superhero story, keeping in touch with friends, losing myself in stories and cartoons. Waking up feeling awesome and excited for another great day. Not worrying. Keeping my mouth shut about my feelings and other things that are better left unsaid. Being optimistic about whatever direction life is taking me.

What’s the difference? I’m in love with myself again. I’m happy being alone again. I’m proud of myself again. I am utterly infatuated with everything that is going right in my life, and it is a marvelous feeling that I’ve missed for the past however many months.

I feel like I’ve been on a nonstop journey for the longest time and finally, I’m at a really nice rest stop. I’ve seen some amazing things, met some amazing people, experienced a lot of hardships that taught me an infinite number of things. It’s been worth it, because of where I am now. I am so proud of who I am today, after the ups and downs of this year.

Amidst the occasional worry, amidst the occasional awkwardness, amidst the occasional wistfulness, amidst the occasional reversion to everything that I dislike about myself… I am happy. Truly.

(I’m definitely going to attribute some of this inner cheer to the improving weather as well, though, haha.)

mood: lighthearted
music: All The Right Moves – OneRepublic

There are a lot of things I don’t believe in.

I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in gender roles, gender conformity, gender stereotypes. I don’t believe in racist stereotypes. I don’t believe in ethnic divides. I don’t believe that homosexuality is a choice, but I don’t believe that it is genetic, either. I don’t believe in Ivy Leagues. I don’t believe in war. I don’t believe in brand names. I don’t believe in spending over $100 for a cute bag or over $1000 for a laptop. I don’t believe in Macs. I don’t believe derogatory jokes. I don’t believe in touchscreen technology. I don’t believe in conformity. I don’t believe in hooking up. I don’t believe in one-night stands. I don’t believe in spoilers. I don’t believe in affirmative action. I don’t believe in restricting abortion. I don’t believe in arguing. I don’t believe in fearing death. I don’t believe in money.

But there are a lot of things that I do believe in.

I believe in saving the environment. I believe in free speech. I believe in individualism. I believe in technological advances. I believe in equal opportunity. I believe in globalization. I believe in communication. I believe in a global language. I believe in good food. I believe in same-sex marriage. I believe in compliments. I believe in telling the truth. I believe in higher education. I believe in helping the less fortunate. I believe in sunshine. I believe in warm summer days. I believe in the big blue sky. I believe in the power of wishing, hoping, and dreaming. I believe that hard work can get you so many places. I believe in friendship, in the comfort of having somebody at your back, at your side. I believe in constant self-improvement. I believe in working things out. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances, and third ones, and fourth ones.

I believe in love, passionate, stable, real, and utterly incomprehensible.

I believe in soulmates.

I believe in life.

mood: out of hope for good things
music: Bed of Lies – Matchbox Twenty

Is it wrong to see the best in people? Is it wrong to not necessarily forgive but usually forget?

Is it wrong to enjoy my friendships with people who are so flawed it’s sometimes difficult to explain why I love them so much?

Is it wrong to drop everything to do something for a friend, to disregard logic to make people feel better, to do stupid things because I just want to make people happy?

As I walk from lunch at a cybercafe to an English class in an engineering building, the electric beats thump in my ears through iconic earbuds, the Northern Californian winds sweep my artificial curls against the flesh-colored cream that disguises the hefty sprinkle of freckles on each cheek, enough spots with which to amuse a toddler with Connect-the-Dots, and the taste of salami and coffee mingle in my mouth like angry lovers, incompatible but refusing to untangle themselves.

The overcast sky disappoints me, my disloyal friends disappoint me, my failed relationships disappoint me. Life is full of disappointment, like when you rush to the dining commons only to find that the only dish you were going to eat for dinner has already run out. Like when you step out of your comfort zone, out of the tower you’ve been bound to your entire life — only to be disappointed by the grit, the bitter, selfish populace, and the lost dreams of which the outside world is composed. Like when you open an obligatory gift and think, “Why did you even bother?” Like when a friend betrays you and you think, “Why did you even bother to pretend to like me?”

The past is my skylight, just as the future is a lighthouse waiting for me. The present is grimy, the present is unstable, the present is a manifestation of everything in my life I need to overcome in order to make a leap for the shore that awaits me. The journey should be just as fulfilling as arriving at the destination, so I try my best to find the specks of gold in this dirty river; sometimes, I strike gold and forget about my journey entirely in the midst of my excitement; other times, there are stretches upon stretches of time in which the digging is futile and everything unsatisfying.

“‘Cause there’s a little bit of something of me in everything in you…”

I am writing a love story and an action story, separately but simultaneously. It feels so good when the words spill out of the pen, seemingly unbidden. I will live on that euphoria for now, until something better comes along.

I’m hungry, and I think my head is caving in.

mood: cynical and disillusioned
music: Without Stars – Basshunter

There are a lot of times in my life when I just want to move to a remote island and read and write and listen to music for the rest of my life and forget that the outside world exists.

This is most definitely one of them.

I wrote this after the first two or so weeks after returning to Berkeley after Winter Break:

It feels so good to be back in Berkeley!

Arrived back at around 2ish, and my roommate Sandia arrived like ten minutes later. We had a good reunion, sharing stories about break (not that I had very many) and unpacking (she bought so many new clothes, holy crap) and greeting everyone. Started meeting new people, too, all of whom are pretty cool.

My favorite is definitely Hillary, who is this athletic, spazzy, but very chill chick who lives in the room right across from mine. She, Katie, and I are getting along really well. We’re like…happy mediums, you know? We’re like not too girly, but not too dudey, not too wild but willing to party, not too whorey but certainly not asexual, not too cool but not hermits either. And I really like that we’re not exclusive people, we just end up hanging out because everybody else is so busy all of the time. There’s something in Hillary that I just…trust and connect with, which is rare for me. (Katie’s a big exception.)

Speaking of Katie… God, I love her. Seriously, we never run out of stuff to say to each other, and even when our conversations fade into silence, it’s totally comfortable. It’s not like… You see, she’s not just like, oh awesome friend because she’s so kind and dependable and stuff. what stands out to me about our friendship is just that it’s so EASY. We connect so well without even trying to make it happen. She’s definitely my closest Berkeley friend. I juts know that she’s gonna be one of those friends with which your friendship will always be solid, and even if the amount you talk and hang out fluctuates throughout your life, you’ll always be able to juts catch up where you left off.

C.J.’s been really great, too. The two of us still have a friendship unlike our friendships with other people on the floor, I feel like. It’s laidback but sturdy. I think the thing is not that our friendship is super easy or that we have so much to say to each other, but that we connect well on an emotional level. We’re just comfortable saying a lot to each other, I guess. It’s pretty neat.

I never got to finish that entry, but it definitely illustrates how I felt about everything here at the time. And now, that’s kinda all fallen apart. I started on another entry a few weeks ago:

I’ve got the second semester blues… It’s been great getting to know new people and all that, but why does everything always have to come at a cost. I feel like a lot of my closest friends aren’t as fond of me this semester while at the same time they’re growing closer. Then again, maybe I’m just paranoid. Wouldn’t be the first time, haha.

Sandia is pledging TriDelt, which is, sad to say, the skankiest sorority on campus. No comment on that… She just told us yesterday that she had made her decision, although I’d been expecting it for a long time, especially since Sarah has been really pushing for it. A big part of me is simply happy for her; much as I’d like to think otherwise, she does fit in with those girls. I mean, there’s definitely a part of her — the chemical engineering part — that doesn’t fit in with them exactly, but there is definitely a large part of her that simply loves drinking, partying, and hooking up with guys. Another part of me is simply confused about how to react.

Everything is changing. I can feel it in my bones. I know that change can bring about some really great things, but sometimes, at the core of me, I just hate it, because most of the time it only brings trouble.

I thought everything was fine despite all of those things. I thought that things were working out, that I was just going to be reasonable and strong, that everything would be all right in due time.

But things have only gotten progressively worse lately.

It’s like, I don’t know if I can trust any of my friends here anymore. I don’t know how to act towards half of them. I don’t know where I stand at all with like, anyone. What was the point of giving me that glimpse of belonging if it was all going to fall apart? If it was just going to be a sham? If it wasn’t going to be worth it? I don’t even remember what it’s like not to feel awkward around them anymore. I’m suspicious, I’m paranoid, I’m disillusioned. Was it so that I could get over Mark? Was it so that I could fall in love with Berkeley? Was it to give me something to find comfort in when it felt like my life was not worth living anymore? Was it to save me?

I guess if it saved me, then it was worth it. We fight against the idea of “Better to have loved than to never know love at all” because we can’t imagine or say what life would be like had we never loved. Because sometimes, ignorance is bliss and memory a curse.

Is this year meant to leave me feeling jaded again? How many freaking times do we have to be let down enough in our lives for it to be okay for us to say, “Okay! Enough! Enough of this. I’m done”? I’m so strong every day, trusting in my ability, trusting in the people around me, trusting in my future. It’ll be a long time before I’m completely worn down, but at the same time, there is so much chipping away at me constantly, like swarms of rodents or insects tearing at my flesh hungrily.

Is there an end to this madness to look forward to?

I am so proud of myself for all the headway I have made this year, but is this how it’s just going to be? You learn, you improve yourself, you get some things you work for, you get let down by some things but learn how to be happy with the things that you still have, and then you just get it all taken away from you so that you have to repeat the process all over again, minus everything that you’ve worked to keep in your life? Is death the only end to this cycle?

I’m sick of running away from things, of being seen as weak, of being seen as needing protection. So I face things, even when every bone in my body is protesting the strain. So I tell people how I feel, so I apologize when I am wrong, so I demand respect when I deserve it. So I don’t back down when it’s easier, so I don’t go along with things I don’t agree with, so I don’t let anybody tell me how to feel or what to do.

But maybe it doesn’t matter how much you improve yourself. Maybe life just never runs out of things to throw at you.

Damn.

I’m sick of fighting off negative thoughts. I’m still happy, because being happy is just something that has to do with willpower and the ability to find happiness in the little things and to not dwell on the bigger problems, but it is getting progressively harder to keep up.

I need a long, long hug from somebody who I can trust not to screw me over and turn against me, some genuine reassurance that I am a legitimately good person who just gets screwed over a lot, and love. Lots of love.

Or a good book, good music, some sunshine, and some really good sushi. I’ll settle for that.

For the rest of my life, if needs be.

mood: lucky
music: Everything – Michael Buble

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison

Today, I will admit to you, to my friends, and to myself something that we all know but never discuss —

Without hope or agenda, because it’s a day that would have been special to us if things were different: I really miss you.

Thank you for all the good days, all the not-so-good ones, and everything in between.

I am not sad, for our lives are good. I am not holding on, for there is a whole world to explore. I am not bitter, because our love was true. I am not waiting, because there’s more to life. I am not expectant, because I remember our promises and our not-promises. I am not hopeless, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Instead, I am happy. Happy that you have found something that you have been searching for; happy that I have become a better person and am discovering and rediscovering myself every day. Happy that we are cordial, that we are supportive, that we are caring, that we are loving towards each other. Happy that you are my bestest.

Instead, I am keeping an open mind.

Instead, I wake up every morning excited to see what the day will bring me.

And more importantly than all of this —

Thank you for being my best friend. I am so fortunate and glad to have you in my life. Here’s to tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow!