mood: >:[ angry
music: Place for My Head – Linkin Park

If there’s one thing I hate about the world other than war and prejudice, it’s how much our lives are shaped by money.

Just had an argument with my parents about the furniture for my new apartment. You’d think most parents would be proud of their kids learning to be frugal and finding good deals and trying to save money. Especially if it’s the parents’ money. Not my parents; they get mad at me for being too thrifty. It seriously infuriates me.

I’d figured out a plan for my bedroom furniture: a bed, mattress, and desk from Ikea along with some stackable drawers from Target. Simple. Cheap. Practical. Even cute. Would probably be under $500. Pretty good, considering that all the rest of the furniture is already accounted for (my housemate Katie’s mom has a friend who left the country and gave them all of his stuff), right? Yeah, no, apparently not. My dad flipped a bitch about having to assemble the furniture. I was like, “DAD. You see my desk here in my room at home? And my bedside table? And my bookcase? Yeah, um, I ASSEMBLED THAT ALL BY MYSELF. WHEN I WAS NINE.” What the fuck is the big deal? He was like, “What if you assemble it wrong? No.” And I was like, “Are you serious? THEN YOU TEAR IT APART AND FIX THE MISTAKE.” What the hell? And then he tells me to look up furniture stores in Berkeley. No, that is freaking ridiculous! I’ll have to pay a gazillion dollars for the furniture, pay a ton for delivery, and then not be able to lift it myself. And it probably won’t be as cute as Ikea furniture anyway. GOD. And Ikea furniture is GREAT. I don’t care how shitty the make is, it lasts years upon years. And it’s SO CHEAP. It’s not like I’m moving into a fucking house with a family or some bullshit! It’s just a freaking college apartment. I am SO pissed. Can you tell?

My father is such a fucking snob. He wouldn’t even believe me when I said that my friends were taking secondhand beds up.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Believe me, I am more than grateful for how much bank he makes, but it gives him NO RIGHT to be ridiculous like this. It makes me so fucking angry. And of course my mother just sees it as him having the right to make the decisions regarding this kind of thing because the money that he wants us to splurge with is the money that he makes.

And all of this just makes me look like this stupid, cheapass, stingy bitch.

Jesus, sorry if there are things I’d much rather spend my money on. Like, um, FOOD. Or like, ELECTRONICS. Or BOOKS. Not fucking FURNITURE.

And trust me, this is not a one-time thing.

GAHHHHH SO MUCH RAGE

mood: strong
music: Made For You – OneRepublic

“But you know what happens after you look into the abyss? After you realize how easy it would be to let yourself be swallowed by that dark, unfathomable unknown… And after it looks back into you? One thing. One thing then becomes very clear. You figure out pretty fast that no matter how hard it is, or how impossible it gets… You don’t… You can’t… You shouldn’t ever give up.”
- Dick Grayson, Nightwing #128

Today is August 3rd. On this day last year, Mark broke up with me. It was tragic. It was unexpected. It, and the day that followed seamlessly, was the worst day of my life.

But today, that day seems like a lifetime ago. Saying that I’m healed is a complete understatement. The truth is that I’m better. And not merely better than I was at my lowest point, but better than I was before. Better than I’ve ever been.

My demons stopped chasing me the moment I stopped running. The moment I stopped trying to get better, trying to prove that I was getting better, trying to move on, trying to find emotional stability — the moment I truly accepted the way things were and saw a truth that I had been blindly fighting against the whole time (the moment when he said “You’re no better than her” — how could anyone who really deserved me say such a horrible and untrue thing to me?), that whether or not it would work out eventually — well, maybe I didn’t need it to.

Amanda: you got over it pretty quickly now that i think about it

It’s all about willpower. Like Dick said, it’s so easy to give in to depression, to feelings of helplessness, to the belief that there is nothing left for you and that you will never get better. It’s easy — but aren’t you worth more than that? I know I am worth more than the “easy” path. I know I am worth than the tears, the burn marks, the hopelessness. I am worth more than a damn relationship.

I’d be lying if I said the feelings were gone. When I feel that strongly about anything, those feelings don’t simply disappear. But what’s important is that those feelings aren’t killing me anymore. I’m not lonely. I’m not trying to get back with him. I’m not trying on anyone new. I don’t want to try anymore; it’s only ever given me trouble. I don’t want to depend on someone else for happiness anyway. If something comes along, then sure, I’ll give it a shot. But I feel like I’ve spent half of my life chasing after people, and I’m tired of how that seems to always turn out.

The other day, at the airport, I joked with Katie that maybe our planes had been delayed for some higher purpose; maybe I was going to meet my soulmate. Then I laughed and said nonchalantly, “Naw. Already met him. Didn’t work out.”

And honestly, that’s how I feel about it. Yeah, it’s tragic. Yeah, it’s a huge part of me. But it doesn’t have to consume me. And so I don’t let it.

And so in reality, this day doesn’t really mean much to me. All it represents for me is how far I’ve come in this past year, and how much I’ve grown from the chick who cried and cried and couldn’t fall asleep because she couldn’t comprehend what had gone wrong in a great relationship.

I’m damn proud.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I AM THAT USER, DUMBASS.

Commission work can suck my balls. Every time I come across a problem, I calm my rage and trial-and-error my way out of it — only to come across ANOTHER problem. This is getting ridiculous. My head hurts.

Well! At least I’m certain now that this is not the career path for me! I don’t care how able/talented/creative anyone thinks I am, I seriously can’t deal with people depending on me for creativity like this. It’s not good for my mental health.

mood: delighted
music: Stop and Stare – OneRepublic

I’m officially twenty now! Oh dayum. Nineteen scared me, but I’m pretty excited about twenty.

Since my birthday is like in the smackdab middle of the year, I usually see birthdays as like, a checkpoint for the resolutions I made for the new year. I’m proud to say that I’ve done a pretty good job so far!

I’ve cut back on the swearing, I’ve been exercising, I’ve written more than one story, I’ve been more accepting of being Asian, I’ve gotten shots, I’ve cut back on being frustrated about stuff by giving myself a time limit to be annoyed, I’ve been more open-minded about my family, I’ve been trying new foods, I’ve read three books outside of school, and I’ve been getting B’s and higher. And I’ve been working on the other stuff, too.

If I could sum up how I feel about the past twenty years in one word, it would have to be “proud.” I don’t care how arrogant it sounds; I am so damned proud of how far I’ve come in all these years. I haven’t been perfect, and there are a lot of things I could have done differently and better — but the person I am today is someone that I am proud to be. Someone who will constantly persevere through the hard times (no matter how difficult it is!) and continue to grow and to learn from her mistakes. Someone that I believe is worth your time.

I’m ditzy, I suck at math, I’m timid about my work, I laugh a little too much and talk a little too loudly, I’m a flake, I apologize too much and do too little, I have a ridiculous sleeping schedule, I’m too dependent on technology, I spend too much time on fandom, I’m too paranoid, I’m too picky — I could go on forever.

But despite all that, I keep striving to better myself. I see every day as a new opportunity to be better. I try to grow a little every day, for both myself and the people around me.

And in this crazy, chaotic, unpredictable world, that is what matters the most to me.

mood: contemplative
music: Let’s Call It Off – Drake

I just watched Up in the Air, and wow, it blew me away. George Clooney was amazing as usual, and the script and premise were just so good. I was charmed by all the characters and found a way to relate to each and every one of them. That’s art. And of course, it really got me thinking.

Natalie: Never?
Ryan: No.
Natalie: Ever?
Ryan: No.
Natalie: You never wanna get married?
Ryan: Nope.
Natalie: Never want kids?
Ryan: Not a chance.
Natalie: Ever?
Ryan: Never. Is that so bizarre?
Natalie: Yes. Yes, it is.
Ryan: I just don’t see the value in it. All right, sell it to me.
Natalie: What?
Ryan: Sell me marriage.
Natalie: Okay. How about love?
Ryan: [scoffs] Okay.
Natalie: Stability. Just somebody you can count on.
Ryan: How many stable marriages do you know?
Natalie: Somebody to talk to, someone to spend your life with.

The other day, I asked Di whether it would be better for me to get married or to raise a child, if I were to pick just one of the two evils. She said that I should raise a child, since I didn’t have to be married to be in a relationship with someone. And we talked about how if I remained single and childless for the rest of my life, then there would always be that kind of…gap between my friends and me.

When I told Mark about this, he found the idea that I was thinking about having kids just so I could have conversational topics with my friends very incredulous. But I don’t think it is. It’s like…that next step that everyone expects you to take. And yeah, part of me is just like… Well, I don’t want to take it, and I’m not going to let society dictate that lifestyle for me, so why bother? But then I think about staying like this essentially, while my friends go on to raise families and all that jazz, and I honestly do have to reconsider. It’s like how there’s always the conversational gap between my friends who didn’t dorm for college or didn’t go to college for a while and me. It’s not because I’m condescending them or anything — it’s just that there’s an entire other part of my life that they cannot understand. I can still talk to them about it, of course, but not in the same way that my friends who did leave home for college and I can trade stories and discuss similarities and differences. Yeah, there’s plenty of other things I can talk about. But it’s different. Because we will always lack that element of connection that accompanies similar living styles, similar environments, similar types of people we’re meeting.

So when I think about it that way, I feel that it is almost imperative to live that life with the marriage-doomed-to-fail and the really annoying kids.

Which is so weird to me.

I dunno. I used to say, “If I ever somehow ended up having kids, then…”

And now it’s shifted to “If I have kids, …”

I wonder if it’ll ever end up being “When I have kids,” like everyone seems to say.

Domestic life — seems comfortable and yet incredibly, incredibly confining. Hmm.

Welp. We’ll see. If I meet somebody that I can really see being worth the trouble, then all right. I’ll be game. If not, then that’s cool, too, I’ll stick with the original plan.

P.S. Last night, I got to make my first birthday wish of the year (my first wish of the year, I just realized… Oh dreamer Elaine, you truly are dead, aren’t you?), and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t even think of making it about someone I was romantically invested in. It was so refreshing.

I’m going to be twenty. I’m officially going to cast off the shadow of my relationship with Mark that haunted me for more of the time I was nineteen than not. But it’s a new world.

I’m so fucking ready.