I feel like the longer I stay here, the more my strong points slowly begin to deteriorate.

It’s a horrid feeling.

IT’S NOT FAIR. THE FEW THINGS I’VE GOTTEN EXCITED ABOUT HERE DON’T EVEN COME INTO FRUITION.

I WANT TO GO HOME, WHERE THINGS FUCKING GO MY WAY.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN WEAR CLOTHES THAT I ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD IN.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T GET SICK LIKE EVERY OTHER WEEK, WTF. I HATE BEING SICK, GODDAMN IT.

ALSO, WHERE I GET TO COOK AND EAT REAL FOOD.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN STAY UP ALL NIGHT WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT WAKING UP MY ROOMMATES WHEN I COME BACK FROM THE LOUNGE THAT I GET BANISHED TO.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO MARCH TWENTY MINUTES ACROSS CAMPUS TO GET TO A 9:30 CLASS.

ALSO, WHERE I EARN MONEY AND FEEL PRODUCTIVE.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AS LOUD AS I DAMN WELL LIKE.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T GIVE A CRAP IF I HAVE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL OR NOT.

ALSO, WHERE I HAVE A NICE BEAUTIFUL BATHROOM AND WONDERFUL SOAP.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN SEE MY FRIENDS EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUPID PLACE AND HOW IT WORKS.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN EAT MY FOUR/FIVE MEALS A DAY WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT RUNNING OUT OF INSTANT FUCKING NOODLES.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN GO BUY FOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT IF I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T FREEZE TO DEATH EVERY TIME I GO OUTSIDE.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO LIE TO EVERYONE WHO I MEET WHO ASKS ME HOW I’M LIKING CAL.

ALSO, WHERE I CAN HONESTLY GUSH ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE COLLEGE. ‘CAUSE I REALLY FUCKING DID.

ALSO, WHERE I DON’T FEEL LIKE MY VERY SANITY DEPENDS ON MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND LIKE A PATHETIC LITTLE CLING-ON.

I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.

DO I REALLY HAVE TO BE HERE FOR THREE AND A HALF MORE YEARS?

GET ME THE FUCK OUT.

I think that the reason I am not happy here is that Berkeley brings out all of my biggest flaws.

I seem to be doing everything wrong lately.

Day 1
1. Mark’s friends are all really nice, but I just feel too much like The Girlfriend to feel comfortable with them alone.
2. Just from today, I can tell that living so close to Mark is going to be a hell of a lot harder than living really far away from him. Not less pleasant — just a lot harder. He gets frustrated with me a lot more than I remember now.
3. Eww, communal bathrooms. Thank god for shoes.

Day 2
1. There are so many fucking people here, LOL. Especially like…trekking through the crowd watching the Obama inauguration — WTF, where did all these people come from?!
2. It’s harder being here without friends than I’d thought, and it’s only my second full day.
3. It’s hard having my boyfriend conveniently one block away. I’ve never felt so clingy in my life.
4. I am so over dorm food already. I escaped lunch for some miso ramen, and damn was it delicious.
5. Fuck me up the butt; I’m fucking late for tuition and I didn’t waive the school health insurance.
6. My roommate slept at 10:30 PM last night. TEN-THIRTY! Please, oh please, let this be because she’s tired from climbing that mountain she was talking about and not be because she really just likes sleeping that early. Because apart from my love of staying up late, I really do need to stay up to study and stuff… I guess there’s always the creepy study lounge that’s always deserted.
7. Think positively? Um, my room decorations look cool. Yay, Cal.
8. My classes are cool, at least. Even though I was late to my first one because I got lost. And then Mark got annoyed when he called to help me.
9. I am doing very well with keeping with my biggest resolution. But I do not know if this is healthy or not.
10. Never mind. Wanni kicked me out of the room tonight. I’m sitting in the creepy deserted study lounge. I think this is how every night of the rest of the semester is going to go. This sucks balls.
11. Okay, not doing so great with the resolution anymore.
12. Everyone says to talk to her, but I’m shitass terrified. Oh, how I hate the prices Life makes you pay for getting things, like a dorm not 500293580 miles away. Or a dorm at all.
13. This is going to be the death of us. Please, god, no.

Day 3
1. Back in the study lounge tonight. Mom and Jess said to get a room switch, but I don’t think it’s that easy. Wanni announced tonight that she goes to sleep early and wakes up early.
2. I told her in the morning that I’m a really deep sleeper so she can go ahead and make all the noise she wants in the morning without worrying about bothering me. It was my opening — but I was too scared to take it.
3. I am so weak.
4. And lonely.
5. And clingy.
6. And hungry.
7. And sad.
8. I don’t like college already. At least I’m not even disappointed — I already wasn’t looking forward to this.
9. Not particularly homesick — just not wanting to be here. I wish I could just magically leave.
10. At least I really like my classes so far. It’s really nice taking stuff that I really enjoy. (Megan Clement is in my English class, which is cool. She remembered me from high school and waved to me when my name was called during roll.)
11. Seeing Mark is like…the highlight of my day. But I think he feels a lot less inclined to see me since he has all his friends to talk to and chill with and stuff — which is totally understandable, since it’s the same for me when the Amphies are around. I guess the roles are just switched now that we’re in different settings.
12. I hate not being happy.
13. I need badly to cry, but I can’t. Both because I resolved not to and because there is nowhere to cry unseen.
14. Get me out of here.
15. I miss IVC.

Let’s see what last year’s were…

1. Get an A in Spanish and English, a C in Physics, and a B- in Calc (that’s for this semester–next semester I want all A’s)
2. Convert this blog to Wordpress, because I’ve wanted to do it for years, and still haven’t! FINALLY!
3. Sleep at least 5 hours every night
4. Master improvising and get a solo in Jazz
5. Ride Maliboomer and not be terrified of Tower of Terror
6. READ READ READ
7. Learn to eat chicken (LOL, I know that sounds like a ridiculous goal, but I’m inspired by Father’s restraint in never eating meat; I want to emulate that)
8. Get a scholarship–even if it’s like $10
9. Get a damn award from a teacher Heritage Award for Spanish!
10. Win over the person I love & have a successful relationship (or are those separate goals? Hrm.) ♥
11. I feel like everything is so material; I want to have like…a personal goal? But honestly, I’m pretty happy with the way that I am right now… I guess one thing that I want to change is like… I want to stop giving up so easily. I know that seems totally wrong since I’m planning to drop at least one of my classes, but like… I want to stop feeling hopeless when something doesn’t go my way, and like… I’m not sure how to explain it. But I think all my friends know that I give up on stuff really easily, and while I’m a really hard worker, I…don’t think that I persevere all that much. I’m not sure if that’s phrased correctly, but yeah. Hmm. There has to be something more, but I can’t think of it right now.

• Get straight A’s @ my first semester at Berkeley
• Sleep for at least six hours a night
• Have a good time at Berkeley
• Make at least three new friends
• Hit a steady 105 lbs.
• Have $1000 by the end of the year
• Read at least 5 new books outside of school
• Pick up the phone more and text back quicker/call people more
• Keep up with my substance-free policy
• Have better posture
• Exercise!
• Get a new, better job
• Catch up with cultural education regarding TV shows and movies
• Hit LVL 80 on WoW!
• Cry less

Wish me luck!