mood: sad
music: Downfall – Matchbox Twenty

i’ll be your downfall
love save me now

I fight back now, and I speak my mind.

And now instead of regretting not saying what I wanted to, I just regret not keeping my mouth shut.

What am I doing with my life?

I return home for a week, and suddenly everything that I shoved away into the recesses of my mind resurfaces.

No, Elaine, no.

I tried talking to my friends, to Mark, to my family about it, about Berkeley and how I am not having a good time.

No, Elaine, no.

Just stick with what you know.

Trust yourself, and trust the words you write.

At least I’m getting better at suppressing my crying. Being constantly surrounded by strangers will teach you that.

mood: sad
music: The Heart of Life – John Mayer

Mark wrote a long note on Facebook praising Berkeley. It makes me really sad to read. It’s such a great place, such a great school and environment — and yet I’m having a shitty time. It just feels so pointless.

This past week, when we’ve encountered people who have asked us how school is, it’s been a little awkward for me. They tend to ask me first, because they haven’t talked to me since I left. My answer to every single person has been first “cold, really, really cold” and then if they’re still listening — “really, really lonely”. Mark always answers, “Really fun; I like it a lot.”

It’s awkward because we’re talking about the same school that we attend together.

I feel like a loser for not being able to say that.

I feel like a loser, period, whenever Berkeley is brought up.

Coming home is like rubbing salt onto my wound.

I never want to leave.

I cannot wait for May — summer vacation. That will be nice.

And then maybe next year, I’ll be able to start over again.

Or not.

Who knows.

P.S. Sometimes, we’re so different. I asked him if he liked being home or at school more, and he said he didn’t know. It’s so hard, sometimes, when we don’t think the same way about things.

mood: relaxed
music: A Milli – Lil Wayne

1. Would you say 2009 so far is meeting expectation, exceeding expectations, or failing to meet expectations?
Failing to meet expectations. I had really expected to make at least one damn friend by this time. The semester is already half over.

2. What letter grade would you give yourself for your performance at work or school?
Probably a B. I’m pretty good at keeping up at the reading and finishing my work, but my essays and tests haven’t been stellar. Not horrible, just not fantastic.

3. On a scale from 1 to 10, how happy have you been with the weather so far in 2009?
I assume that 10 is the happiest, so probably…4, haha. Northern California is frickin’ cold. I really, really do not like cold weather. It also rains a lot. I don’t like that either. I can’t wait to come home in May and experience real sunny weather again.

4. Which of the Motion Picture Association of America’s film ratings would you give your social life so far in 2009?
Probably G. Nothing happens.

5. 2009’s parents are on the phone and want to know how 2009 can improve its performance. What have been 2009’s areas of strength and what are its areas for growth in the second quarter?
Strengths: Giving me the opportunity to spend lots of time with Mark.
Areas of growth: Social life opportunities… Also, fix the economy, bitch.

—
1. What’s your favorite frozen heat-and-eat food?
Bowl Appetit! microwavable pasta and instant noodles

2. How sensitive are you to cool temperatures?
I actually have an okay tolerance of cool temperatures, but just because I can stand it doesn’t mean that I like it.

3. How many ice-cube trays are there in your freezer?
None!

4. What aspect of your life seems to be frozen in place?
My social life, hands down.

5. What’s your favorite blanket like?
It’s fuzzy, yellow, cost $2 from IKEA, and is named Bob.

—
1. What are you looking for?
Friends at Berkeley…

2. What are you waiting for?
Summer… I really cannot wait until the end of May rolls around. I’ll finally get to come home for a long time again, and I’ll get to see and visit my friends, and I’ll get to eat homemade food, and I’ll get to cook, and I’ll get to drive wherever the hell I want, and… And maybe I’ll be happy again.

3. What is someone else waiting for from you?
Mark is waiting for his Christmas present from me.

4. You know you have a long wait ahead of you at the doctor. What do you bring?
A book or my writing notebook, my iTouch, my cell phone.

5. Where can you expect always to wait in a ridiculously long line?
In-N-Out Burger.

—
1. When you travel, what kinds of souvenirs do you like to bring home for yourself?
I like to get postcards, stuffed animals, and jewelry. They’re obvious things that always remind me of where I traveled to without being super tacky or useless. And no, stuffed animals are not useless, haha.

2. Is there a certain kind of souvenir you always bring back for a particular someone?
I always bring back a postcard for Jayney. It’s become a tradition between the two of us. I pin all of hers to my bulletin board at home.

3. Of the souvenirs you’ve collected from your travels, what are some that have special meaning for you?
I bought a little turtle for Mark on my senior trip to Hawaii and now he sleeps with him every night. He’s like our beloved pet, along with Ducky, a TY plush that Mark bought for me. Does that count?

4. What’s the silliest souvenir you’ve brought back for yourself, or what’s the silliest souvenir someone has brought back for you?
This question reminds me of the “chalk cat” figurine that Kelly bought for Diana from Disney World and that she bitched about for a year, LOL. But I’d probably say… I dunno, Erin bought me a stuffed squirrel made out of actual fur or something once. It freaks me out a little still, to be honest!

5. If you were going to send someone a souvenir from places you visited today, what might it be?
Let’s see. I visited Taiko, IVC, the Bakery, and 99 Ranch. How about some Asian candy? A cup of Thai tea? Sushi? …A transcript request form?

mood: thoughtful
music: Let Me Be – Britney Spears

The weekend of the 20th, I flew home at last. I have to return every month or so for orthodontic work.

My teeth have a long history of causing me trouble. When I was three years old, I got excited during a meal at a restaurant and fell off of my booster seat. This resulted int he loss of one-and-a-half teeth. THe other half had a cavity (my only cavity ever) and was taken out. When my permanent teeth came in , my two front teeth did not grow out. They had to cut into my gums in order to let them grow out. Unfortunately, they grew out about a centimeter apart. So, at age seven, I got braces (but only on the front two teeth). Later, they found that four of my teeth had no room to grow out and needed to be extracted, so I got that done. Then, they changed to braces to work for my top four teeth. I wore them until sixth grade (age 11).

I was to do Phase II, but we realized how silly it was to drive to Glendale (~2 hours depending on traffic) and decided that we’d look for a local orthodontist. We put it off for a long time, and by the time high school rolled around, I was wary both of the appearance factor and the insane price (I had never known that it cost thousands before). Despite my dad’s insistence, I said no to Phase II.

Seems like the guys in my life just really do not like my teeth. Mark bothered me like fuck about it, and I was very offended and annoyed. And then he started talking to his mother about it and telling me how they both thought that I should get braces and speech therapy and shit (’cause I can afford to, so why the fuck wouldn’t I want to, right? HAH.) I decided that I was NEVER going to, and I essentially told him so. I’m still annoyed and offended whenever he brings it up, but that’s Mark for you. It’s one thing to make fun of a friend about something like the way she talks; it’s another to actually encourage her to get it fixed.

Anyway, what got me to get braces was the health of my teeth, not my appearance. Luckily, the orthodontist we decided to go to specializes in Invisalign, the invisible braces. It’s a helluva lot more expensive than I’d like, but I blame that on my dad’s shittyass insurance that gives us like no coverage for anything (but of course when he goes to see Asian doctors, it’s all free, pfft). Kelly made me feel better, though, in that by skipping fall semester, I got to save my parents a ton of money, and the price of my braces is still less than half of college tuition for a semester.

They’re really cool, though. I thought that it would be a pain in the ass to have to take them out to eat all the time, but you get used to it pretty quickly. I hope that it’ll be done w/i a year, but my luck in the area of teeth is very minuscule.

Why am I talking about teeth again? Oh, yeah.

So I went back home. At the Oakland Airport, I got Starbucks (Passion Shaken Iced Tea Lemonade FTW) and a CPK “The Works” pizza. Mmm, so good. My mom picked me up at the airport and brought me a Thai tea, my favorite. How nice of her. That night, I had salmon teriyaki, yum! It was wonderful being home again. Everything felt right again. I felt truly, completely happy again. It felt like the world had been tipped over during my time at Berkeley, and it was suddenly tilted upright again. It felt good.

On Saturday, I slept in and chilled for a while before going to Yen Sushi with my mom, yum. Then I drove to CVS to spend $50 with a coupon my mom gave me and got to get a bunch of stuff I needed for Cal. That was fun, except that I kept trying tow ork the weird razor drawer they had…and failing miserably, LOL. Ah, well. Later that night, I went with my parents to eat Thanh. My dad asked me a lot of questions about Berkeley, which was kinda nice. There were some tense moments throughout the night, though, as my parents argued and my ddad kept telling my mom that she didn’t understand anything. I feel really bad for her; it made her really mad. She even went to sleep with the door closed.

A big point of contention throughout the weekend was the Cintiq Wacom tablet thing. My sister decided last year that she wanted it, and she finally got up the courage to ask for it. My dad, of course, said yes (he has a bad history of succumbing to her ridiculous desires). The catch? The tablet costs a whopping $1000. His reasoning? She got straight A’s, and it was supposed to be her motivation for getting more.

Okay, dude, I’ve gotten straight A’s a billion of times. Where the fuck is my $1000 gift? Gifts, I should say. The last time my sister got straight A’s (in middle school) she got a fucking LCD TV. So yeah, I got my pimpass Lexus, right? And I’m damn grateful for it. But you know, they’ve already promised her a BMV if she gets into UCLA. Say what?! Why does she get all these rewards for doing less work? I don’t understand.

The fucked up part is that they don’t’ even like her more. It’s not an issue of favoritism. I know I’m a better kid. Nobody doubts that. The difference is that she’s wiling to ask for her impractical desires to be fulfilled while I don’t indulge in my wishes like that and actually respect the money that my parents work really hard to make. God, that pisses me off, her making them spend unnecessary money on expensive things that she loses interest in within a year. Ugh. My mom told Jess to wait a month because she didn’t have enough money, but my dad dismissed her and just told Jess to order it. I have to admit that I was pretty tired of my family by my second day there.

The next day, I slept in again and then took Jess to lunch at BJ’s, which was delicious, of course. Then, at night, we (as a family) went to eat Korean barbecue, which was also good.

On Monday, I drove myself to the orthodontist in the wee hours of the morning (8:30). It was very uncool to learn that I’d paid for a $200 flight home just for my orthodontist to peer at my teeth for 5 min, give me my next 2 sets of braces, and schedule my next appointment.

Anyway, the last thing I did back home was eat Stewed Veggie @ the Bakery, yum. Then it was back to Berkeley… Sigh.

For years, I used to be convinced that I would never marry and would never have children. Not because I’m not attractive enough, not because I felt that nobody would ever love me, not because I thought that I would make a bad parent — but merely because I didn’t want to. Marriage just seemed to lead to pointless misery, and I definitely not one for misery.

Strangely, I now find this previous adamancy revoked and replaced with an odd blank canvas.

One year into my relationship with Mark, I told him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.



The day began early — Mark picked me up at 10 in the morning, with a big, bright sign outside of my window that read “HAPPY 1 YEAR (And Valentine’s Day, too!)”. How sweet. When I saw it, I wanted to squeal, but my roommate was still sleeping, boo. After stopping at Mark’s dorm, we walked to Jamba Juice,and he got me a $25 gift card and my favorite smoothie! Again, how sweet. Literally. XD

Then, we walked to the Shattuck/Center area, and explored and searched for the sushi restaurant that I’d eaten at the first time I’d come to Berkeley with my family. Finally, we gave up and walked to the BART station and rode the subway to San Francisco! When we got to Embarcadero, we had trouble figuring out which trolley to board and spent ten minutes running around trying to find out which way the ocean was. Then, we realized that the place to our left read in huge letters, WELCOME TO THE PORT OF SAN FRANCISCO. LOL, tourist fail.

We took the trolley to Pier 39, THE LAND OF SEAFOOD. OMFG SO MUCH SEAFOOD. We walked around and took lots of pictures, yay! Then, we had lunch at Bubba Gump, yum! What a neat little palce. Service was amazing, as was the food. Oh, how I miss seafood. I got the BUcket of Trash, which was more a bucket of deliciousness: fried fish, shrimp, lobster tail, and fries. Mark got the fish and chips (so good!), and we shared a spinach dip and strawberry lemonade and mango mixed drink and a pizookie-type thing. Yeah, we kinda went all out, LOL. Pricey meal, but so, so good. Mark and I had a really good time, though, talking and laughing and joking together and flirting with each other. He makes me so happy. Ooh, the coolest part of the meal was the RUN FORREST RUN and STOP FORREST STOP signs. They were so awesome. Basically, they were liense plates, blue and red, respectively. RUN was the default, but if you want to get the waiter’s attention, you just flip it over to the STOP! It makes so much sense; it makes certain that the waiters continually look around as they work. We put the STOP sign up once, and within two seconds, the waiter was there, LOL. It was positively awesome. What an awesome meal. We were super stuffed afterwards!

We spent the next few hours walking around Pier 39, which was nice. The candy store there is so cool! We wanted to play air hockey in the arcade, but the machine ate our money. -_- I hate it when that happens.

At around 4 or 5, we went back to Berkeley and just chilled in Mark’s room, snacking and watching X-Men Evolution. It was great fun, just sitting around and relaxing. We’d planned to eat sushi for dinner, but Mark’s very sensitive and full-of-problems stomach (poor baby) didn’t quite agree, so we decided to save it for the next night. Instead, we had glorious…RAMEN! LOL. Real romantic, I know.

Since Nick was away for the weekend, I got to stay the night in Mark’s room. It was really nice. I hardly have a difficult time sleeping in my bed (either one), but sleeping next to Mark has always been a real treat. Although I do get a little claustrophobic sometimes sleep-cuddling, it’s somehow just really comfortable sleeping next to him. Makes me feel safe, I guess. It’s just good to have him so close. And waking up next to each other is always such a delight.

The next morning, we slept in and then got brunch (yum!) and watched more X-men. We spent the next day watching it, doing homework and just chilling on our computers. Good stuff. At night, we bore the rain and took the bus to get Sushi Cu. Yum! We got salmon sashimi, California rolls, and a salmon roll thingy. I love Japanese food!

Since it was a three-day weekend, I stayed over again, and we finished X-Men the next day, booo. I hate finishing good shows, even though the endings are always epic and awesome. Makes me so sad!

Oh, LOL, I forgot to mention our presents to each other. So Mark made me wash his dishes for him as he prepared mine. I ended up having to join Minoo and Linda, who were eating outside of their rooms, and expressing my confusion about why Mark wouldn’t open the door when I kept knocking. I had the key, but I didn’t want to walk in on him doing anything, so I figured that I’d just wait, LOL. In the end, Mark had to call Minoo and tell her to make me go into the room, LOL. And then we stupidly looked around the room trying to figure out what we were supposed to do, LOL. At last, we realized that there was a note on the ground that read “Go downstairs to the piano”, and so I did.

Went downstairs to the piano in the main lounge place, at which Mark was sitting. On top of the piano sat a poster he’d made, charting our twelve months together. And then he started playing piano… Except it wasn’t just random improvising… It was a song he’d written for me!!! OMG, it was so sweet, and so well done, too. And it was so very much from the heart. I was so touched that I got really teary. He started getting teary, too. <3 And then he gave me a bag of goodies: my childhood favorite Peachie-O's, in an entire box of white chocolates, and glucose tablets to help me stay awake in class.

After we went upstairs, I gave him his presents... A heartfelt card, a list of '100 Reasons' I love him, a mix tape (on a flash drive, LOL), and a list of explanations detailing my reasoning behind each song. I also later got him two American Eagle shirts, because he's always said that he would totally dress in Abercrombie and American Eagle if he could afford them, and he's always said that he'd like it if I got clothes for him.

I love him so much, really. He's so ridiculously perfect for me... We just complement each other so well. I really can't believe it's been a year; I'm so proud of both of us for lasting this long. Many times, I dreaded thta we would separate when we had really bad arguments, but we seemed to always overcome our clashes. And we definitely have not lost our interest and passion towards each other... In fact, it sounds corny but it really feels like we're falling more and more in love with each other every day. I feel really good about us. I really want this to work out. Even through all our disagreements and flaws and problems with each other... This is the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. <3

SO MANY SEA LIONS!

Me with loverboy.

After seeing that landscape, I realize why planned cities exist… LOL holy crap, I’ve never seen so many buildings in a such a small space in my life, not even in Taiwan!

I think you have to be from Nor-Cal to admire this kind of very gray scenery, LOL.

I tried enhancing this picture but it just turned even grayer. OMFG.

My boy. <3

The amazing hat that I tried on at the hat store…

The very wonderful poster that Mark made me. It’s hanging above my bed in my dorm right now.