mood: cynical and disillusioned
music: Without Stars – Basshunter

There are a lot of times in my life when I just want to move to a remote island and read and write and listen to music for the rest of my life and forget that the outside world exists.

This is most definitely one of them.

I wrote this after the first two or so weeks after returning to Berkeley after Winter Break:

It feels so good to be back in Berkeley!

Arrived back at around 2ish, and my roommate Sandia arrived like ten minutes later. We had a good reunion, sharing stories about break (not that I had very many) and unpacking (she bought so many new clothes, holy crap) and greeting everyone. Started meeting new people, too, all of whom are pretty cool.

My favorite is definitely Hillary, who is this athletic, spazzy, but very chill chick who lives in the room right across from mine. She, Katie, and I are getting along really well. We’re like…happy mediums, you know? We’re like not too girly, but not too dudey, not too wild but willing to party, not too whorey but certainly not asexual, not too cool but not hermits either. And I really like that we’re not exclusive people, we just end up hanging out because everybody else is so busy all of the time. There’s something in Hillary that I just…trust and connect with, which is rare for me. (Katie’s a big exception.)

Speaking of Katie… God, I love her. Seriously, we never run out of stuff to say to each other, and even when our conversations fade into silence, it’s totally comfortable. It’s not like… You see, she’s not just like, oh awesome friend because she’s so kind and dependable and stuff. what stands out to me about our friendship is just that it’s so EASY. We connect so well without even trying to make it happen. She’s definitely my closest Berkeley friend. I juts know that she’s gonna be one of those friends with which your friendship will always be solid, and even if the amount you talk and hang out fluctuates throughout your life, you’ll always be able to juts catch up where you left off.

C.J.’s been really great, too. The two of us still have a friendship unlike our friendships with other people on the floor, I feel like. It’s laidback but sturdy. I think the thing is not that our friendship is super easy or that we have so much to say to each other, but that we connect well on an emotional level. We’re just comfortable saying a lot to each other, I guess. It’s pretty neat.

I never got to finish that entry, but it definitely illustrates how I felt about everything here at the time. And now, that’s kinda all fallen apart. I started on another entry a few weeks ago:

I’ve got the second semester blues… It’s been great getting to know new people and all that, but why does everything always have to come at a cost. I feel like a lot of my closest friends aren’t as fond of me this semester while at the same time they’re growing closer. Then again, maybe I’m just paranoid. Wouldn’t be the first time, haha.

Sandia is pledging TriDelt, which is, sad to say, the skankiest sorority on campus. No comment on that… She just told us yesterday that she had made her decision, although I’d been expecting it for a long time, especially since Sarah has been really pushing for it. A big part of me is simply happy for her; much as I’d like to think otherwise, she does fit in with those girls. I mean, there’s definitely a part of her — the chemical engineering part — that doesn’t fit in with them exactly, but there is definitely a large part of her that simply loves drinking, partying, and hooking up with guys. Another part of me is simply confused about how to react.

Everything is changing. I can feel it in my bones. I know that change can bring about some really great things, but sometimes, at the core of me, I just hate it, because most of the time it only brings trouble.

I thought everything was fine despite all of those things. I thought that things were working out, that I was just going to be reasonable and strong, that everything would be all right in due time.

But things have only gotten progressively worse lately.

It’s like, I don’t know if I can trust any of my friends here anymore. I don’t know how to act towards half of them. I don’t know where I stand at all with like, anyone. What was the point of giving me that glimpse of belonging if it was all going to fall apart? If it was just going to be a sham? If it wasn’t going to be worth it? I don’t even remember what it’s like not to feel awkward around them anymore. I’m suspicious, I’m paranoid, I’m disillusioned. Was it so that I could get over Mark? Was it so that I could fall in love with Berkeley? Was it to give me something to find comfort in when it felt like my life was not worth living anymore? Was it to save me?

I guess if it saved me, then it was worth it. We fight against the idea of “Better to have loved than to never know love at all” because we can’t imagine or say what life would be like had we never loved. Because sometimes, ignorance is bliss and memory a curse.

Is this year meant to leave me feeling jaded again? How many freaking times do we have to be let down enough in our lives for it to be okay for us to say, “Okay! Enough! Enough of this. I’m done”? I’m so strong every day, trusting in my ability, trusting in the people around me, trusting in my future. It’ll be a long time before I’m completely worn down, but at the same time, there is so much chipping away at me constantly, like swarms of rodents or insects tearing at my flesh hungrily.

Is there an end to this madness to look forward to?

I am so proud of myself for all the headway I have made this year, but is this how it’s just going to be? You learn, you improve yourself, you get some things you work for, you get let down by some things but learn how to be happy with the things that you still have, and then you just get it all taken away from you so that you have to repeat the process all over again, minus everything that you’ve worked to keep in your life? Is death the only end to this cycle?

I’m sick of running away from things, of being seen as weak, of being seen as needing protection. So I face things, even when every bone in my body is protesting the strain. So I tell people how I feel, so I apologize when I am wrong, so I demand respect when I deserve it. So I don’t back down when it’s easier, so I don’t go along with things I don’t agree with, so I don’t let anybody tell me how to feel or what to do.

But maybe it doesn’t matter how much you improve yourself. Maybe life just never runs out of things to throw at you.

Damn.

I’m sick of fighting off negative thoughts. I’m still happy, because being happy is just something that has to do with willpower and the ability to find happiness in the little things and to not dwell on the bigger problems, but it is getting progressively harder to keep up.

I need a long, long hug from somebody who I can trust not to screw me over and turn against me, some genuine reassurance that I am a legitimately good person who just gets screwed over a lot, and love. Lots of love.

Or a good book, good music, some sunshine, and some really good sushi. I’ll settle for that.

For the rest of my life, if needs be.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, not because of the food (okay, fine, half because of the food) but because it gives me a chance to reflect on my life and all the wonderful things in it.

I am thankful.

For being here, alive, today. Many times in the past three months, I have felt that I would rather die than feel the pain I was suffering and have wondered if it would be better just to end everything for good, but my friends have helped me move from that. We all suffer so much in our lives, but there are so many things from which we have the opportunity to derive joy, as well. I am thankful for anything that makes me smile, because it has kept me from that dreadful abyss.

For being happy, despite everything. For a long time, Mark was the light of my life. Certainly not my only source of happiness (my friends were definitely the bright stars to Mark the Sun), but most definitely an incredibly large contributor to it. That time is over (for now, at least), as he moves on, and I follow in suit. But…I have found happiness in being at peace with myself, and in the camaraderie and support of the friends I have found at Berkeley, and in the love and loyalty of my friends from home, and in the presence of Mark in my life. And for this I am endlessly grateful.

For another chance with Mark. I never imagined that I would truly have another one, after everything that happened in the summer. I hoped and dreamed, sure, but it pretty much just fell into my lap. Now, this is the hard part, living apart — mentally, emotionally, physically, romantically. Who knows what will end up happening? I won’t ask for certainty in that… In fact, I don’t need it. I have never been one for a planned future. I am just thankful that our love has not gone to waste. I am grateful for the knowledge that whatever happens in the future, we once bared our souls to each other and changed how the other perceived life and shared a dream. And even if how we see our relationship changes in the future, I am so thankful that we were once at a point when there was nothing in the world more certain than our love for each other and our desire to be together for the rest of our lives.

For another chance for college friends. After everything last year, I was so terrified of going back to Berkeley, especially without the security blanket of Mark. I didn’t really think that I would really make friends; I hoped and dreamed of it, but I didn’t really believe it. But here I am, surrounded by these wonderful people, who have already proven to me over and over again that they love me and support me and care for me and are here for me, who have shown me that they really think that I’m worthy of being friends with, that I make enjoyable company, that I am someone they are interested in getting to know better. Every day, I am so thankful for this second chance at a successful social college experience. Without it, I don’t know if I would be at all happy today, if I would be standing on my two feet, if I could have moved on after everything that happened with Mark.

For my wonderful new friends. For Sandia’s good morning hugs and sympathetic and worried looks every time I cough and declarations of love and understanding talks and absolute love of fun. For CJ’s amazing support and understanding and comforting hugs and wittiness and fun/relaxing company and studybuddyness and our dynamic that allows us to just hang out for hours. For Katie’s endless stories and general goofiness and how well we get along and our ability to talk about anything for hours. For Jordan’s affectionate teasing and funny Asian jibes and genuine concern and comfort when I’m truly upset. For Dana’s trust in me and support for me. For Dan’s relentless but interesting rambling, for Eleanor’s approachability, for Amy’s willingness to join us to talk, for Lara’s reassurance. For Julian’s respect, for Chris and Judy and Mike and Shark and formerly Patrick’s affection. For random conversations and smiles and elimination of awkward silence in the bathroom. For having people to say hi to in the elevator, for people to go to dinner with. For people to walk to class with. For wonderful, wonderful QualComm lunch bonding time. For people to say good night to. For people to ask, “How was your weekend?” and “How was your night?” and “Are you sure you should have another one?” and, best of all… “What’s wrong?”

For my amazing old friends. For Di’s phone calls and supportive talks and ability to always make me laugh. For Alex’s checkup texts and dedication. For Amanda’s support and interest. For Kell’s weekly texts that get me all excited. For Mag’s willingness to sit through hours of updates. I don’t know what’s happened to Jayne and Erin, which terrifies me. But I’m thankful that when we do talk, it’s not awkward. Jayne called me a week or so ago, and it really made my day. I know she’s so busy, and I feel like she’s purposely distanced herself from me, but I really miss her. I’ve thought about contacting her a lot, but Mark’s right, thinking of being a good friend is not the same as acting as a good friend. I’ll try contacting her more, and Erin too. They mean so much to me.

For my family. Despite how much I dread family time (always filled with incessant arguing and awkwardness and rolled eyes and awkward laughs and uncertainty), I do love my family. I truly appreciate the laughter and stories and familiarity that my sister and I always share, no matter how long we’ve been apart. I am so grateful that she’s growing up (slowly but surely) and we’re able to connect more as I grow up more as well. And I do enjoy all of my mom’s stories and the good times that we spend together, whether it’s in a car or at a sushi restaurant. And I’m thankful for the tokens of affection that Dad buys us on all of his business trips away, and it doesn’t quite make up for his absence in our lives and his unawareness of much of anything about us, but I don’t begrudge him for those things. I am just thankful that my parents are still together and still affectionate and that despite all their weird arguing, they still get along. And I am thankful that despite her temper and narrow view of the world, Jess still respects me and likes spending time with me.

For my things, my money, my electronics. Always grateful for these things, without which I would live a completely different life.

For the Internet. Without which I wouldn’t really be much of anything.

For my health. Even if it has been wavering recently (I keep getting sick and my eczema is almost worse than it’s ever been and I’m just barely 100 lbs. again and I keep breaking out), I am thankful that my limbs are working, that I can walk, that I can talk and hear and run and see and experience the world as I do.

For food. Trying to be less picky, trying to eat meat more, trying new things. I’m lucky just to have food to be picky about.

For college at an amazing school. A school that fits me so well, with its crazy protests, its students who put their heart and soul into causes they believe in, its students who support same-sex marriage, who throw crazy Obama rallies (that I missed, unfortunately), who say “Oh my god, what a joke” to the crazy fundies protesting at the Telegraph/Durant intersection. In a word, its utter…Berkeleyness. This semester, I realized… I don’t know if I could be so happy anywhere else. So I am very proud and very thankful. Go Bears!

For what brains I do have. CJ’s right, just because I’m not fantastic at math and science doesn’t mean that I’m not smart. The humanities are academics too, and require a different sort of skill that I definitely have more of. I know I’m still not the brightest crayon in the box, but I do try my hardest, and I do realize that I probably didn’t get this far by only working hard without using my brain. So I am grateful for what smarts I do have.

For the will to go on. After everything… It was difficult to look forward to tomorrow, another day of suffering and confusion and doubt and hurt. But I trudged on in life, and look where it’s gotten me. “And some days you may feel that there is no ending / But if you give up now you’ll never know if you could have won” is one of my favorite lines from Scott Alan’s “The Distance You Have Come” (one of my favorite songs).

For the confidence to be myself. If I hadn’t decided to just go out there and give socializing everything that I’ve got, then where would I be now? I honestly have no idea. So I am very, very grateful for my confidence in myself and the strength I mustered when I got to Berkeley and realized that I got nowhere by being quiet and shy and afraid to be myself last year. Life’s all about trial and error, yeah? And I found success in being myself, and every day, I feel like I am tested to take the easier route and succumb to old habits or to be strong and overcome temptations and just keep striving to be better. And to just continue to be me, and to continue being friends with people who accept me for who I really am — they’re the only people who are really worth being friends with anyway, yeah?

Oh my god, I love this crazy school! Although this is no Obama rally (which I’m so upset that I missed last year), it’s definitely pretty damn epic.

A daylong occupation of a classroom building at UC Berkeley on Friday ended with the arrests of 41 students who had barricaded themselves inside to protest budget cuts and steep hikes in student fees, university officials said.

Read the full story here!

My friend said that she saw the police batoning the protesters. Oh shit!

I dunno. I don’t really think the protests are gonna affect what’s already been voted on, since the problem is clearly not just with the UC’s but with the entire freaking state, but it’s still pretty exciting to see all these people so riled up about this. And seriously, I mean… 32% is pretty fucking ridiculous. We’re already paying so much. We’re not here to pay as much as we would for a private school, ’cause I can guarantee you that a shitload of kids would not have chosen to come here if that were the case. Jordan, who’s from Vermont, is definitely upset that his already ridiculous tuition is going to be increased. They’re trying to import more out-of-state students, too, ’cause they’ll have to pay more. Makes you feel like the only reason you’re here is to supply cash to these regents… I dunno. It’s all so fucked up. Damn the economy.

Although I certainly didn’t mind my classes being canceled for three days due to this all…

mood: pleased
music: Heartbreak Warfare – John Mayer

So it’s like three months into my sophomore year, and I still haven’t blogged about college. This is super disappointing to me! But it’s never too late to start, right?

So how has everything been? So far, this year has been… Absolutely amazing, actually.

When I left home, I’d already decided that I wanted to start anew and be a better person.

I’m going to cut six inches off of my hair (I would dye it if I had the time before Berkeley!) and curl it often. I’m going to start dressing more tomboyish half the time and girlier the other half of the time. I’m going to wear concealer and powder and lipgloss and ponytails. I’m going to introduce myself, I’m going to be someone that people will want to be friends with. I’m going to be a motherfucking double major, even if both of my majors are cake. I’m going to drink, and I’m going to drive on freeways. I’m going to paste pictures of hot girls on my walls, alongside Transformers and Yu-Gi-Oh! posters. I’m going to joke more and laugh less, I’m going to touch more and be less unapproachable. I’m going to study more and complain less. I’m going to blog on-time and go back to journaling. I’m going to remember more and forgive less. I’m going to be more careful, more paranoid, more fun, and more uninhibited.
- xdelight, August 15th, 2009

And I did it. I really did. I got here, and the first day, I conquered my shyness and fear of meeting people and just walked into the hall and met everyone and honestly was just…myself! And boy did that do wonders. I’m still amazed, honestly, at how well just being myself worked out. And day by day, I just become more and more thankful for getting the opportunity to get to know and to befriend these wonderful people.

So I live on the eighth floor of my building, which has a splentastic view of San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge. Like really, it’s ridiculous how beautiful it is. Every other day, there’s an amazing sunset, I swear. I’ve taken so many pictures. It still wows me how close I am to San Francisco. I guess since I was little, San Francisco was like this fantasy city so far away that everyone had visited before but that I had never gotten the chance to see. And now I get to see it from the laundry room window every day. And it only takes $3 and 30 minutes on the subway/train to get there. Blows my mind!

Anyway… My floormates are awesome! God, where do I begin?

To start, Sandia, my roommate, is super cool, not to mention mind-blowingly pretty. She studies obsessively hard and parties harder, she’s a food snob, she dresses better than anyone I’ve ever met, she’s half Vietnamese and half Irish/Lithuwanian, she cooks and bakes, she’s neat and clean and carefree and honest and hilarious. One of the first things she said to me when we met was “By the way, I’m a bitch.” (Perfect! I love being friends with bitches. Assholes, not so much.) Seriously, though, she’s an absolutely awesome roommate, as evidenced by our roommate agreement, on which we wrote “whatever” for everything except not having sex while the other person is in the room, hahaha.

My next-door neighbor CJ is also awesome. He’s a bando (alto sax!), Italian, loves dessert, likes jazz, and is an actual Mac user, as in he’s used them since forever. I respect that, even if I don’t like Macs. He’s really witty and funny and neat and germaphobic. And really caring, too; I go to him when I’m upset because he has less of a carefree/whatever attitude towards stuff than some of my other closest friends. He gives really good hugs, too! He recently told me that he likes me because I’m open and have a “whatever works” attitude about everything and never judge and always understand. This makes me happy!

I’m also really close to Katie, who lives down the hall. She’s legitimately German (well, half), lives by the beach and has lived in Germany for part of her life. She’s a runner, and one of the most randomly picky people I’ve ever met (she doesn’t like pizza, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, pasta sauce, syrup, any kind of sauce actually…LOL). She was one of the first friends I got really close to here, because we watched I Love You, Man together like the first or second day of school and then went back to her room and just talked for hours getting to know each other. We bonded over our fresh breakups and stuff. She’s excitable and funny and always has a story to tell about everything. I love stories!

Another one of closest friends here is Jordan, who is ridiculously cosmopolitan. He’s lived in a gazillion different places, but he’s from Vermont (and his family is currently living in Senegal). It’s been really fun educating him about California and how we do it here, and I’m excited for him to come down to SoCal so that we can show him around to everything. I really didn’t think that he would ever want to really be my friend, but he definitely surprised me, and we’ve gotten pretty close in the past few months. He has a very carefree attitude towards most things that I’ve been trying to adapt and alter to fit me. Jordan loves sports (especially soccer), loves snow, loves multicultural stuff (he’s learning Arabic!), and always wears a green baseball cap and drinks water from this jar he carries around.

I’ve also started to get a lot closer to Katie’s roommate Dana lately. She’s nice and chill and a lot of fun. She plays mellophone and also really likes my favorite turquoise blue! She’s half Japanese and half Mexican (so cool!) and is always easy to talk to. She had a boyfriend up until like a week or so ago, and I’ve been comforting her about the breakup ever since, and it’s really helped us to get closer. She’s a sophomore like me, and at first I thought that we would have no chance to get to know her because she would be with her friends from last year all the time, but she’s definitely been interested in getting to know us.

These are my closest friends here and kinda like my main squeezes (haha!). I used to be nervous that we would never become a group: for a long time it was Jordan, CJ, Sandia, and me in a tight group; and then it started getting to be Sandia, Katie, Dana, and me in a group; but now we’ve merged into one and it makes me happy. Sandia, Dana, Katie, and I want to live together next year, and CJ (who is living with Jordan) already told me that he definitely wants to live really near us, e.g. if we live on Northside, he wants to live on Northside; if we live on Eastside, he wants to live there too. So I’m really glad and relieved that we’re going to be able to stay friends.

I kinda want to take a moment to describe what I’m like here. It’s definitely…more me than I ever imagined that I could be with anyone other than my friends from home, you know? For one, all my friends think that I’m a really extroverted person. The other day, Katie had a Mayer-Briggs personailty test results paper, and I was like, “Ooh, I want to show you guys what I am! Introverted, …” And she and Eleanor were shocked that I would say that. I felt so proud! And when I told Dana about it, she was like, “Actually yeah, I would definitely ping you as an extrovert.”

I like it.

I’ve been fun, and loud, and confident, and and vulgar (CJ and Jordan even talked about this when I wasn’t there and declared that I’m “the most oversexed person they’ve ever met”, and later that night Sandia introduced me (drunkenly) to her friend as a “dirty joke whore”, hahaha), and really friendly (trying hard to reach out to all the people on my floor and not just the ones I’m closest with), and really helpful, and really affectionate (hugs all around!), and really conversational. But best of all, I’ve been really open. Within the first few days pretty much everyone knew that I was bi, but even more than that… I tell people my random thoughts, my frustrations, my accomplishments, my insecurities. It’s really liberating. Especially when people actually like me MORE for not hiding myself. It’s been really great, and…enlightening, you know?

I dunno, it might sound corny, but I just love being myself here and being loved for myself. I’m really happy here, and I feel like I really belong, something that I really lacked last year. Like, I don’t even want to go home. The one weekend that I did go home, it felt really lonely and all I could think of was how sad I was the last time I was there. But here, it’s just… I don’t know, I feel so free. I feel like… I fit in here, with these people, better than I’ve ever fit in anywhere or with anyone in my life. I definitely made the right choice to come to Cal… I mean, a lot of people here have a lot of qualities I never found in Irvine… Atheists who don’t want to get married and don’t want to have kids and who are totally cool with my bisexuality and sexual innuendos and I dunno, I’m just…really, really grateful to not feel inhibited anymore.

And academically? I’m currently taking eighteen units. English 45C is an English major core class about American/British Literature from mid-19th through 20th century. I thought that I would really love the class, but I’ve only liked one book so far: Nabokov’s Lolita. This makes me sad. But the teacher just talks about concepts that are WAY too abstract for my tastes. I don’t think I’ll get an A, though… This GSI cares less about style and more about content, unlike Dimiter, who I had for 45B. Boo. I’m also doing Sociology 1, which is pretty interesting, actually. I’ve been doing really well on the papers, so that’s definitely a plus. What else, what else. Media Studies is really cool; I’m really happy to have decided to double major in it. I’m really interested in a lot of the stuff we study, and I dunno, it’s just so…fitting! We even have studied fan fiction! And I wrote a paper on the Transformers franchise! How amazing is that. (I also wrote a paper on WoW for Sociology, LOL. Hooray for resources!) I’m also doing an Intro to Journalism class with Jordan, who wants to write for the Daily Cal, the school newspaper (kind of… It’s actually independent because they were sick of the school monitoring what they said! I love Berkeley, hahaha). It’s kind of pointless, but at least I’m getting a lot of Journalism practice. And I’m going to apply for the Daily Cal too, even though I know my chances of getting in are slim. I’m a good writer, though! And I’m actually better at journalistic writing than I expected. Hmm, what else? Oh yeah, I’m also doing Poli Sci 1, which is American Politics. It’s…a drag. I honestly do enjoy the textbook readings and everything that I learn from it (which is a lot, especially considering I basically failed AP Gov in high school, aaah), but the lectures are absolutely impossible to stay awake in. I’ve tried everything, I swear. Even when I work on other homework, I fall asleep! What the hell. I’ve basically given up on going to that class, since all I do is take hour-long naps in it, and if I use that time to go to the library instead, I get so much more work done.

Oh yeah, the library! I go there all the time now, to get work done. Wow am I productive in there! I always thought that I was most comfortable working in my own room, but I really do get distracted less there. Maybe it’s just because now there’s all these people within like 20 ft that I can just walk over and talk to when I’m working in my room. I dunno, but the North Reading Room is really pretty and I really like the atmosphere. It’s a great place. I’ll definitely be spending more time there in the next couple of years. I’ve also discovered the awesomeness of Memorial Glade, which is just this huge…grass…thing where people chill and picnic and play frisbee and ball and stuff. Sometimes when I’m feeling like just chilling, I go there in between classes with a sandwich or sliced peaches or something and just relax and read and people-watch. It’s very nice.

What else, what else! Oh, Mark, obviously, but I’ll talk about that another time. I’ll talk about what I’ve been up to another time, too. So… Yay! I’m glad I finally churned this out.

By the way, I’ve been sick a ridiculous number of times this semester. It royally sucks. I’m suffering from the flu right now… Blegh! Will definitely sleep early again tonight and hope for a quick recovery!

mood: relatively good, slightly incredulous
music: Jerk It – Thunderheist

On May 8th, I took Mark to go see Wicked in San Francisco as part of his birthday present — from last year, LOL. Hey, better late than never, right? But first, we went to go eat at the CPK by MoMA. (Can you tell I like acronyms?) It was the first CPK I’d had in over a month, so that was refreshing and yummy. Definitely not the same as eating it back home, though! But I won’t complain; it still tasted like heaven after weeks of ramen.

Afterward, we rode the BART to Orpheum Theater, which was nice in that very historic theater kind of way. The bathrooms sucked, though. But I obviously didn’t pay $200 for bathrooms, so that was fine. Mark was crazily excited, though I have to admit that I was, too. He was like enraptured throughout the entire show; it was adorable to watch. And what a show it was! We got an understudy, but she was really good anyway. It was definitely worth it. On a side note, I freaking love set changes. I think they’re one of the most entertaining things in the world to watch, hahaha. And the sets were so amazing! Also, OMFG, I have never seen so much green in one room in my life.

It was our last fun thing before Dead Week settled in, so we both really enjoyed it. Dead Week was…well, more stressful than busy, I suppose. I made what felt like a gazillion study guides, wrote what felt like thousands of drafts of the same essay over and over again, and caught up on a ton of reading. I did get to make a cool lexicon for World of Warcraft, though, that I’m quite proud of, heh. Oh, I also bought a ridiculous amount of food and other miscellaneous items, trying desperately to use up my meal points.

Mark left a week before me, but his roommate went home for Dead Week so I got to stay over at his place for a few days, which was really nice. When his parents arrived, I went to dinner with them, and there were some awkward moments, but that’s hardly unexpected. After they dropped us off to go back to their hotel, we went back to his room, and while he packed, I worked on my Art History study guide. In the end, he was so behind (procrastinator! -_-) that I had to help him so that he would actually be able to sleep in time to wake up at 9 the next morning. We ended up staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning, and I was a little exasperated, but he had just finished a gazillion assignments and pulled an all-nighter the previous day (all his finals/finals assignments were on/due on the same day), so I gave him a little slack.

The next morning, we said goodbye and then I went back to my place to study. Unexpectedly, he called me later in the afternoon and asked me to feed his parents with my meal points, and I was happy to see him again. We chilled for a bit with Katie, who had gone with him to the storage place. When we finally said goodbye, it was for a week, which seemed so long after seeing each other frequently in the past four months, and yet seemed so short compared to the time we’d spent apart during Fall Semester. I’m hardly one to go crazy after not seeing someone for a week, so I was fine, although it would’ve been nice to have somebody to comfort me when I was stressed like whoa, seeing as I kind of lacked friends in Berkeley. Oh well, I did fine. My finals all went well, and I got good marks. A- in English, A in Linguistics, B+ in LGBT, P in Art History, and P in Taiwanese. Not bad for my first semester at a school in which I was afraid I would perform second-rate. I’m proud because I proved that I do belong there — at least academically — no matter what anyone says about my intelligence, or lack thereof. Even though part of me is really mad that I didn’t get all A’s (4.0 GPA or not), the more sane part of me realizes that that’s silly. I performed above my expectations, even though those were under my standards, if that makes any sense.

My mom drove up on the 19th, and I took her to dinner at my favorite sushi place. She wholeheartedly approved of the food, which made me happy, haha. She is a Japanese food veteran, after all. I hung out with her for a while, and then I went back to my place. I didn’t really have much packing to do, since I had already been packing throughout the week, so I mostly just chilled. It was a nice last night; felt a little weird leaving, though. I hadn’t lived the whole year there, so I wasn’t like attached to the place or anything, but I had definitely become used to it. I wasn’t sad leaving — hell, I was ecstatic to be going home — but I’m always a little bothered when the routine I’ve settled into is disrupted, so I did try to memorize the room and everything that had happened in it.

The next morning, I met up with my mom and we struggled to parallel park for the longest time before giving up, LOL. Piled the stuff I was taking to storage into the car and then piled Katie and Linda’s stuff into the car as well. Katie took us to the storage place, where I marveled at the ingenuity of the tiny spaces that were perfect for college students’ stuff. Managed to fit all of our stuff into the place and then went back to school, where we dropped Katie off and then piled the car up with all the stuff I was going to take home. Somehow, that filled up the car, even though half of my stuff was in storage, and we had driven up with Mark and some of his stuff when I first moved in. I hate that stuff just randomly expands like that! Anyway, I took my mom to the Crepes shop that I really like, and she was impressed by how filling they were, haha. Then, we headed home!

Returning home was one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt in my entire life.

There is no place — no place — like home.

I don’t need fancy cars, I don’t need name-brand clothes, I don’t need flowers or chocolate, I don’t need tons of money, I don’t need expensive furniture or bedsheets — but I need my own space, more than anything. And that’s something I don’t think I’m going to get for a very, very long time. Why, college, why?