mood: 
anticipating
music: The New Year – Death Cab for Cutie
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
- Oprah Winfrey
“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.”
- Benjamin Franklin
“The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!”
- Edward Payson Powell
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Be outgoing!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think I accomplished about half of them. Not bad, but not my best either. I guess I accomplished the most important ones. I’ve already drafted the ones for next year; I really hope to accomplish all of them — no, I will accomplish all of them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my great-grandmother, bless her heart.
5. What countries did you visit?
None… 
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A stronger friendship with Mark.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Valentine’s Day, the height of my relationship with Mark and the best day of my life (along with our one-year anniversary), and August 3rd, the day he broke up with me. I’d probably add August 4th, the day afterward, because it was probably the worst day of my life. Is it weird for me to be so aware of that? I think it’s important to remember the happiest you’ve ever been, along with the saddest you’ve ever been, in order to know how you should react in different situations.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting over the breakup and the depression that followed it, along with overcoming my fear of meeting strangers and making new friends. Another close one was convincing Mark that the circumstances of our relationship didn’t matter as long as we genuinely loved each other.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing Mark’s trust.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I burned my arm on my little electric kettle, had two bad bouts of the flu, burned my arm on my straightener, and got a lot of random eczema appearances.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Vans! They let me express a side of me that I was never able to express before.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Er… Jess’s, maybe. She’s definitely growing up. I’m proud of her. And…Mark’s, for being so brave.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own. But I hope that that will change in the next year.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, gas, and performances.
15. What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
One-year anniversary with Mark, Spring Break, Mark’s birthday/weekend, Wicked, finishing Freshman year, Disneyland with Mark, Jason Mraz concert, Halloween, last day of finals, Disneyland with Cal friends.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Bubbly – Colbie Cailat
The Distance You Have Come – Scott Alan Keys
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Much sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? Probably around the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.
18.What do you wish you’d done more of?
Been a better friend and person.
19.What do you wish you’d done less of?
Been a bad friend to Mark.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
“In Vegas with family, as usual.” <-- Haha, last year's answer still fits.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Diana.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No, I was already in love, but I did fall much deeper.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Transformers: Animated
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don’t think so.
25. What was the best book you read?
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
Coldplay!
27. What did you want and get?
Berkeley friends. ♥
28. What did you want and not get?
For my friendship with Mark to get stronger, despite everything.
29. What were your favorite films of this year?
Up, Watchmen, The Hangover, The Time Traveler’s Wife.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Hung out with Diana and played Sims and WoW and then went to dinner with Mom, Jess, and Mark and then chilled with Mark. I turned 19.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had been a better friend to Mark. And, well… I guess if we were still together, but I won’t go there.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Girlier some days, more tomboyish on others. More daring color choices and combinations!
33. What kept you sane?
Mark, my friends, quotes, reading.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
James Marsden, Hayden Panettierre, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox the most; I have no idea for the least.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8 and the court cases against it? Oh, and the UC budget cuts, Jayne reminded me.
36. Whom did you miss?
Mark.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh jeez, just one? I’d say Sandia, C.J., Katie, Dana, and Jordan.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Sometimes, you’re so focused on trying to fix things, problems, and insecurities in your own life that you become blind to the way that you are hurting the people that you care about, who really matter so much more than you. The happiness of your friends is so much more important than your own happiness.
39. Do you have any lost feelings of others?
I have confused feelings, I guess, but I’m not quite sure what this is asking.
40. Quote a song that sums up your year:
“For all you know, this could be / The difference between what you need / And what you want to be.” – The Difference, Matchbox Twenty
Ten Best Moments of 2009
1. Valentine’s Day/1-Year Anniversary with Mark.
2. Mark’s birthday (Boat Dance) & birthday weekend.
3. Watching Wicked!
4. The day Mark did that thing that nobody was able to before and how happy he was afterward.
5. Receiving all of Mark’s really sweet and thoughtful birthday gifts.
6. Any time that someone offered me support and helped me when I was having a hard time.
7. The first time we kissed after the breakup.
8. When Mark asked me the question in the stairwell.
9. Jason Mraz concert! Squeezing Mark’s hand during “Lucky”.
10. When Mark thanked me for the wallet I gave him for Christmas.
It…it startles me how much of my happiness comes from Mark. I guess you know you’re in love with someone when they can make you feel both extremes of the emotional spectrum in a way that nobody else can.
The dawn of 2010 marks the beginning of another decade, the second that I’ve lived through. What have the 2000s meant to me?
In this past decade, I met people that I want to be friends with for the rest of my life. I realized my bisexuality (pansexuality) and came out. I overcame so many insecurities and conquered so many fears. I tried so many new foods, new styles, new perspectives. I worked hard in school, worked hard outside of school, worked hard to be a good person. I wasn’t always successful, but I learned how to deal with that, too. I learned how to be with a girl and how to be with a boy. I learned about relationships, I learned about love. I learned about friendship, and about how to deal with people who aren’t your friends and don’t exactly want to be. I learned how to be happy and content. I also learned how to cope with rejection, with hopelessness, with depression, with shame, with self-abasement. It was a good decade. It was filled with a lot of fun times, a lot of childish naivete, and yet a lot of growing up. I wonder if there will ever be another decade in my life filled with so much change and so much growth.
Somehow, I wouldn’t put it past the 2010s.
The Year, in Retrospect
I always look back at the previous years’ entries when writing these things. I think that the fact that last year’s recapping makes me incredibly uncomfortable and rather ashamed and embarrassed of myself means a lot (I was so melodramatic, immature, and self-centered, jesus).
My problem was that I got too caught up in everything. It may have been the most stressful year of my life, but it also could have been the best, had I looked at it in a different way, perhaps. I used to let things get to me too much. I worried about things that didn’t need to be worried about, I thought people had agendas that they really did not have at all, I didn’t give myself enough credit and didn’t trust in my own abilities. Yeah, I was struggling with school. Yeah, my friendship with Jayne was convoluted and complicated. Yeah, I was hungry for more support. But so what? Letting it get to me didn’t help anything; it only made me wallow in my own misery and believe that it justified how selfish I was being. Sure, everything comes at a cost, but you can either focus on the cost, or you can focus on what you get for that cost. I focused much too heavily on the cost and didn’t properly appreciate everything that I was gifted with: the love of my life, the way that my friends and I remained close even though we were in college, the fact that I got into Berkeley, a fantastic school, the fact that my parents supported me in what I wanted to do with my life, the fact that I had a job, the fact that I had freedom, the fact that I got to have so much fun, and so much more. I think it’s a good sign that I can look back to that year now and appreciate it properly. I hope it represents how much I’ve grown in the last 365 days.
This year has been wildly split in two for me. The first half of the year is something that I look back on very, very fondly. Mark and I grew infinitely closer and were…really happy — and really good — together. It was when I realized that this was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, which was…startling, to say the least, given that I’d always had my reservations about that kind of long-term commitment and that kind of life. But he changed everything. Despite my successful love life, there was a lot of misery that semester because going to Berkeley in the middle of the year as a spring admit made me lose out on making friends, although that must also be attributed to how shy and insecure I was. But that paled in comparison to how rich our love was, and I am very thankful to Mark for everything he gave me in those four otherwise lonely months of school.
The summer paled in comparison to 2008’s, but it was still magnificent in its own right. Mark and I started getting more rocky, but we still loved each other very much. And I had a wonderful time being reunited with my friends, who I had missed so desperately over the school year. Then came the day that Mark broke up with me, and from there, the summer went pretty downhill. I was depressed for about a month, and things were hard. Things were really hard. But he still loved me and let me know in his own way that he still cared so much and was hurting, too. How many people get that? It was hardly a clean break, but it wasn’t one out of spite, or betrayal, or frustration. Maybe that would have been easier to cope with. But the way things turned out… Well, I’m okay with it. I’ve come to accept it. Our relationship is…really complicated and yet so simple. I don’t know where we stand now. I don’t know if I’ve destroyed our chances of being together in the future. But I guess you never really know, right? I do still believe in us, and maybe that’s all that anybody can do. And I’m okay with that. Whatever happens happens, and usually for a reason, if you search hard enough.
Anyway… The breakup led me to decide to start anew at Berkeley, which was probably one of the most important decisions of my life. There, I met dozens upon dozens of people and…exposed and rediscovered myself and just let go in a way that I never had before. I made sexual innuendos and swore like a sailor. I loosened up and had a few drinks. I stopped edging around the subject of being bi and just freaking said it whenever it was necessary in a conversation. I acted like a total dork and asked random, irrelevant, silly questions. I shared with people my crazy imagination. I shared with people my thoughts, my musings, my anxieties, my insecurities, my fear, my pain.
I look back and realize that I loosened up a little too much and lost a part of myself in trying to be more of myself, if that even makes sense. It’s gotten me in some really tight places (understatement of the century), but I’ve definitely learned the hard way where my limits should lie. I’m very ashamed of where some of that self-discovery has led me, and I will not make the same mistakes again. I think that 2009 was a year of extremes. I hope that 2010 will be a year for balance.
Aside from rediscovering myself, though, this year has brought me new friends, friends that I treasure and cherish and love dearly. Friends who have looked past my flaws to accept me for who I am, friends who genuinely care for me, friends who enjoy talking to me and spending time with me. I feel so blessed to have them. I hope that we only grow closer and that our friendship only grows stronger. I hope 2010 will be a year for strengthening existing friendships and discovering new ones.
But I can’t just wait around for that to happen. I have to take action and choose to be a really good friend. You can be a good friend, or you can be a dependable, trustworthy, loyal, forgiving, fun, interesting friend. I made a lot of bad decisions this year. I lost Mark to my own selfishness, when I’d worked so hard to teach him that our love could live on in spite of everything, when I so firmly promised to be his best friend. Instead of listening, I became indignant. Instead of understanding, I became angry. Instead of forgiving, I became frustrated. Instead of dropping everything for the person who means the most to me in the world, I became blinded and consumed by my own insecurities, my own sadness, my own selfish worries. I did right by him in some ways, but in so many more I failed to be that really good friend to him.
There will be no more of that this year. In later half of 2009, I became obsessed with bettering myself, with bettering my way of going through life. All my life, people have been telling me that I need to stand up for myself more, that I need to stop being spineless, wimpy, and accepting. People have looked down on my idealistic dreams and criticized the way I tackle my problems (or rather, don’t). I wanted to make it a year for myself. I wanted to speak my mind, to make decisions based on my own desires, to confront people. But that has become a problem. I am so ashamed of myself. I hope that 2010 will be a year about being selfless. About being a better person. About putting YOU above ME.
Reflection
2009 has taught me many things.
“Everything happens for a reason”, “Time is nothing”, and “Life goes on” served as my mantras, and I think that they are really important lessons to have learned.
I also learned that love truly knows no boundaries. I still believe it.
And…the resonant lesson of the year is to open my eyes and be considerate to others by considering the consequences of each action I take, each word I speak, each thought that I think. I don’t intend to be selfish. I have never intended to be selfish. But I have come across as selfish so much in the past when I really have no desire to be, due to the selfish choices I make by not really considering them as hard as I should. I need to start thinking ahead, realizing the consequences of my actions, not getting caught up in the present. If I don’t, I will only suffer more pain. But more importantly — I will cause other people pain that I will never be able to take back.
2009 gave me unimaginable happiness and then replaced it with unbearable sadness. But the in-betweens matter so much, too.
2009 was good, but 2010 will be better.
I’m ready.
mood: 
confident
music: Ke$ha – Tik Tok
My family spent Christmas in Vegas again, surprise surprise. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sin City, but we go there twice a year, do essentially the same things, and get in essentially the same arguments. It gets kind of repetitive. But I guess going anywhere else would induce complaining from Jess (who doesn’t think that vacation is good for anything other than shopping), and if we stayed home, it would induce complaining from Jess that we were being boring (it happened a couple of years ago). The “real” reason we go so much, though, is that my dad has VIP membership to the Venetian, which generously invites him to its resort with complimentary housing. Like, this trip we only paid the Venetian $120 for food and board (well, no board, I suppose). So that’s pretty cool, especially since Vegas boarding is so expensive (I freaking love the hotels, though).
I told myself that I had to enjoy the trip this time. My family is not a lot of fun to be around (the good, laughing times are always punctured by arguments and irritating comments and criticism and awkwardness) and vacation always results in a lot of grumpiness from every corner. I’m definitely not exempt. So I decided this time that I would actively stop myself from getting too grumpy or pissy and just have a good time, because it’s about time to shed the moody teenager act and act in uncomfortable or undesired situations like a damn adult. I’m lucky to be able to go on these vacations, especially if we’re being given complimentary housing, so why waste it being in a bad mood? It kind of worked. My family still kind of got on my nerves pretty frequently, but I tried to just let it slide. I need to do this more often in my life anyway. A lot of times, things that should get to me don’t so I come across relatively good-tempered, but when things do piss me off, I sometimes don’t really know how to deal with it. I think learning when to confront problems and the people causing them versus when to just let them slide is a vital part of growing up. I’m definitely still learning.
Anyway, the drive was relatively calm and devoid of arguments, which was a relief. I worked on my new superhero story and read a YGO! manga. When we arrived at the Palazzo, they told us that they had no more rooms with two beds. Which was ridiculous because we’d already called to confirm before we left that there would be rooms for us. So my parents complained to the manager and he told us he could get us some but it would take a couple of hours. So we just had a late lunch at the Cafe and they had a room for us by the time we finished, yay. Later that night, went to have midnight dinner at a yummy Asian noodle place at the Venetian. Jess was grumpy but the food was good so that’s okay.
The next day, we went to the Mirage to have their international buffet, which is always very good. Enjoyed the snow crab legs, mmm. At night, we went to go see the O Show at Bellagio, which was trippy and pretty…eccentric but featured some amazing acrobats, dancers, and musicians. Was inspired to make one of the characters in my superhero story an acrobat! The next day, we went to the new City Center to check it out and had lunch at the Aria. I really liked all the contemporary architecture! It was really creative and cool looking. Had lunch at a cafe there, and it was overpriced and took forever and the portions were tiny, but the corn chowder was good, I guess. We spent the rest of the day just chilling in the hotel room and I read My Sister’s Keeper, which was…super intense.
When I finish a book, I like to let it sink in. I just finished Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper, which was very good, but also really heavy. The subject matter is one of those really controversial ones. Can you imagine losing your sibling? Your child?
I can’t. I often consider the possibility of losing friends, but I always take my sister for granted. I speculate on my parents’ deaths much more often, between my father’s frequent flights and my mother’s dependence on us. I dreamt once, though, many years ago of Jess dying and me screaming, screaming to go back and save her.
I am whizzing through books, searching for release. Release, relief in the form of a fight against Medusa, in the form of Malik’s revenge, in the form of Gogol’s failed marriage, in the form of Moushimi’s affair, in Anna’s inner conflict, in Campell’s convoluted love. To remind myself that there are problems bigger than mine. But is it wrong that these are fictional? But then again — to what degree are they fictional? Marriages fail every day, and people always have to choose between two people or things they love. We may not all be swordwielders bent on traveling to the Underworld, but we all doubt ourselves, we all think we’re doing the right thing for the people we love when really all we’re doing is hurting them. We all think that we are the center of the universe when there are so many things bigger than us, we all think that we are suffering unjustly when there are so many people suffering more than we are. We all make choices each day to try to take control of our lives, and many times, those decisions are ones that we regret.
For years, I used to be convinced that I would never marry and would never have children. Not because I’m not attractive enough, not because I felt that nobody would ever love me, not because I thought that I would make a bad parent — but merely because I didn’t want to. Marriage just seemed to lead to pointless misery, and I definitely not one for misery.
Strangely, I now find this previous adamancy revoked and replaced with an odd blank canvas.
One year into my relationship with Mark, I told him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
The day began early — Mark picked me up at 10 in the morning, with a big, bright sign outside of my window that read “HAPPY 1 YEAR (And Valentine’s Day, too!)”. How sweet. When I saw it, I wanted to squeal, but my roommate was still sleeping, boo. After stopping at Mark’s dorm, we walked to Jamba Juice,and he got me a $25 gift card and my favorite smoothie! Again, how sweet. Literally. XD
Then, we walked to the Shattuck/Center area, and explored and searched for the sushi restaurant that I’d eaten at the first time I’d come to Berkeley with my family. Finally, we gave up and walked to the BART station and rode the subway to San Francisco! When we got to Embarcadero, we had trouble figuring out which trolley to board and spent ten minutes running around trying to find out which way the ocean was. Then, we realized that the place to our left read in huge letters, WELCOME TO THE PORT OF SAN FRANCISCO. LOL, tourist fail. 
We took the trolley to Pier 39, THE LAND OF SEAFOOD. OMFG SO MUCH SEAFOOD. We walked around and took lots of pictures, yay! Then, we had lunch at Bubba Gump, yum! What a neat little palce. Service was amazing, as was the food. Oh, how I miss seafood. I got the BUcket of Trash, which was more a bucket of deliciousness: fried fish, shrimp, lobster tail, and fries. Mark got the fish and chips (so good!), and we shared a spinach dip and strawberry lemonade and mango mixed drink and a pizookie-type thing. Yeah, we kinda went all out, LOL. Pricey meal, but so, so good. Mark and I had a really good time, though, talking and laughing and joking together and flirting with each other. He makes me so happy. Ooh, the coolest part of the meal was the RUN FORREST RUN and STOP FORREST STOP signs. They were so awesome. Basically, they were liense plates, blue and red, respectively. RUN was the default, but if you want to get the waiter’s attention, you just flip it over to the STOP! It makes so much sense; it makes certain that the waiters continually look around as they work. We put the STOP sign up once, and within two seconds, the waiter was there, LOL. It was positively awesome. What an awesome meal. We were super stuffed afterwards!
We spent the next few hours walking around Pier 39, which was nice. The candy store there is so cool! We wanted to play air hockey in the arcade, but the machine ate our money. -_- I hate it when that happens.
At around 4 or 5, we went back to Berkeley and just chilled in Mark’s room, snacking and watching X-Men Evolution. It was great fun, just sitting around and relaxing. We’d planned to eat sushi for dinner, but Mark’s very sensitive and full-of-problems stomach (poor baby) didn’t quite agree, so we decided to save it for the next night. Instead, we had glorious…RAMEN! LOL. Real romantic, I know.
Since Nick was away for the weekend, I got to stay the night in Mark’s room. It was really nice. I hardly have a difficult time sleeping in my bed (either one), but sleeping next to Mark has always been a real treat. Although I do get a little claustrophobic sometimes sleep-cuddling, it’s somehow just really comfortable sleeping next to him. Makes me feel safe, I guess. It’s just good to have him so close. And waking up next to each other is always such a delight.
The next morning, we slept in and then got brunch (yum!) and watched more X-men. We spent the next day watching it, doing homework and just chilling on our computers. Good stuff. At night, we bore the rain and took the bus to get Sushi Cu. Yum! We got salmon sashimi, California rolls, and a salmon roll thingy. I love Japanese food!
Since it was a three-day weekend, I stayed over again, and we finished X-Men the next day, booo. I hate finishing good shows, even though the endings are always epic and awesome. Makes me so sad!
Oh, LOL, I forgot to mention our presents to each other. So Mark made me wash his dishes for him as he prepared mine. I ended up having to join Minoo and Linda, who were eating outside of their rooms, and expressing my confusion about why Mark wouldn’t open the door when I kept knocking. I had the key, but I didn’t want to walk in on him doing anything, so I figured that I’d just wait, LOL. In the end, Mark had to call Minoo and tell her to make me go into the room, LOL. And then we stupidly looked around the room trying to figure out what we were supposed to do, LOL. At last, we realized that there was a note on the ground that read “Go downstairs to the piano”, and so I did.
Went downstairs to the piano in the main lounge place, at which Mark was sitting. On top of the piano sat a poster he’d made, charting our twelve months together. And then he started playing piano… Except it wasn’t just random improvising… It was a song he’d written for me!!! OMG, it was so sweet, and so well done, too. And it was so very much from the heart. I was so touched that I got really teary. He started getting teary, too. <3 And then he gave me a bag of goodies: my childhood favorite Peachie-O's, in an entire box of white chocolates, and glucose tablets to help me stay awake in class.
After we went upstairs, I gave him his presents... A heartfelt card, a list of '100 Reasons' I love him, a mix tape (on a flash drive, LOL), and a list of explanations detailing my reasoning behind each song. I also later got him two American Eagle shirts, because he's always said that he would totally dress in Abercrombie and American Eagle if he could afford them, and he's always said that he'd like it if I got clothes for him.
I love him so much, really. He's so ridiculously perfect for me... We just complement each other so well. I really can't believe it's been a year; I'm so proud of both of us for lasting this long. Many times, I dreaded thta we would separate when we had really bad arguments, but we seemed to always overcome our clashes. And we definitely have not lost our interest and passion towards each other... In fact, it sounds corny but it really feels like we're falling more and more in love with each other every day. I feel really good about us. I really want this to work out. Even through all our disagreements and flaws and problems with each other... This is the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. <3
SO MANY SEA LIONS!
Me with loverboy.
After seeing that landscape, I realize why planned cities exist… LOL holy crap, I’ve never seen so many buildings in a such a small space in my life, not even in Taiwan!
I think you have to be from Nor-Cal to admire this kind of very gray scenery, LOL.
I tried enhancing this picture but it just turned even grayer. OMFG.
My boy. <3
The amazing hat that I tried on at the hat store…
The very wonderful poster that Mark made me. It’s hanging above my bed in my dorm right now.
