It’s getting to be like the old days, when I didn’t have anyone to talk to about real things, things that mattered. The things I want to talk about. Every time I talk to anyone or even tell people about my evenings, I end up getting in arguments or having to defend myself. So I keep my mouth shut nowadays. I feel muffled, but it’s better than the alternative.

And anyway, that’s what writing and things like this are for.

I’m seeing Mr. Five and Mr. Light again. Not going to deny that it’s kind of awesome. Since the new year, I decided that I’d stop initiating or trying. To my complete surprise, both started talking to me soon after that resolution. On the same day. JJ Flip, the world works in strange ways.

So hey. I took it as a sign to run with it. They seem to be putting in more effort — or perhaps this is just a trick of the light, now that I’m no longer invested in trying for anything with a modicum of seriousness. Whatever it is, I like it. I like having my expectations set low so that I keep being surprised. And I like that my confidence gets me the things I want, like a good conversation over a pitcher of beer and a warm body. I am very pleased with the way things are.

I had a sense that I had only to make a move and he would reply to it. I wondered, why shouldn’t I? Why shoudln’t I escape from this desert if only for half an hour?
- Sarah, The End of the Affair, Graham Greene

I don’t think people get it. This is the phase of my life for which I’ve been waiting for a long time. I have always romanticized one-night stands. (I did always imagine it would be girls I would be with, though that was probably not a very realistic hope.) Half of my characters are girls who boldly Do Not Give a Shit. What does it mean? It means that I’ve always been terrified of commitment. It means that I’ve always idealized the people and the lifestyle of not having to give a shit. And at last, I’m living like Arralee, like Andy, like Madeline, like the Ginny in MLitD. And I love it.

What I hate is how much everyone keeps trying to turn me back.

I don’t think they understand that this is the ultimate manifestation of a lot of things I’ve always wanted. And I used to think that I could convince them and make them understand, but it’s not working, and now talking about it only frustrates me. People keep accusing me of kidding myself, or of being in denial, or of all this other psychological bullshit. It’s narrow-minded and imposing, and I’m sick of it. I know perfectly well that they want the best for me — but so do people who try to convert others or think they can convince people to stop being gay. So I won’t give them the chance.

Sometimes, I think they liked it better when I was sad last semester because I kept wanting more than I was getting. I wish they’d understand that I’m at peace with this now. There are three flipping months left. I don’t want to invest in anything. I just want to have fun and make good memories. I just want to do the things I want to do.

Mr. Streets asked me out to dinner again today. That’s probably the fifth time. I felt bad. The last thing I want to do is lead him on. So I turned him down. And his response was the same thing I said when I got turned down last semester.

“Fair enough.”

Really. It’s pretty funny how the world works.

we live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together

Relationships are fleeting, and forever is bogus. Why not have a good time while I’m still at my prime?

she’s not made like those other girls

When Lot’s wife looked back, she turned into a pillar of salt. I like that. Getting too caught up in the past will only destroy you. I’ve spent so much of my life being stuck in the past. Regretting. Hating change.

It’s time to live.

I have a new life now. One I like — one that fulfills me. It’s not the same one I had before, but it’s good. Maybe even better.
– Barbara, Birds of Prey #8

Break is ending, and with that, I’m starting to think about this next semester. This next, last undergraduate semester. Crazy how final everything seems.

Being in charge of the night department is so weird. Lots of expectations and pressure on my shoulders. I refuse to buckle, though. It will be worth it. It is worth it.

Been doing some BFR work over break, too. Feel really guilty. Not sure how to break it to the managers that I might not be able to attend the weekly meetings because of SEB. Still down to be committed. Crossing my fingers that they need my tech skills enough to keep me on, but I don’t know.

Web stuff is going to be interesting, too. I’m going to have to create a whole new website for my contract company, since some of the higher ups threw a fit over the consolidation of the two websites that took place last summer. Going to be using it as an opportunity to train Kelsey, which should also be interesting. I’m hoping that the small number of hours I’ll be spending in class will spare me a lot of time to make a lot of money. I’m going to need it. 2011 was a very spendy year.

And then there are job apps. Looking into and applying to everything from my goal job (production assistant) to things like e-books manager and technical writer and web producer. Designer and UI developer are the reach jobs. Sigh. Feel kinda weird since a lot of my friends are still going to be in school (either undergrad or grad) while I hopefully get out there and make a life for myself. I just hope I’m not overconfident!

In non-work-related news, I got myself a Nook Tablet (for half the price)! Delightful little thing. Fanfiction reads like a dream on it. So fantastic.

Adventure Time is my new love. It is utterly brilliant. I can’t decide whether I want a Finn or want to be Finn.

Am relieved to be over Mr. Five. Still think about him, but I am no longer deluded that anything is going to happen between us. Not saying I want things between us to stop, though. I like having FBs, although tossing a “W” in there would be preferred. Well, there’s a whole semester ahead of me. I think these senior dudes, like me, don’t really see any reason to get committed so late in the game. Even thinking about starting to date someone and having to deal with post-college drama gives me a headache. I really don’t want to hurt someone again. But, well. There’s no saying where this semester’s going to take us.

• Learn to be punctual. (This failed completely. Frick.)
• Go to sleep and wake up at decent, normal-people times. (It’s been difficult, but I’ve managed. Ish.)
• Swear (even) less.
• Exercise. (At least I feel like a gross lump if I don’t get any.)
• Finish (or at least be close to finishing) a zero draft of the Pantheon story.
• Publish at least two more fanfiction installments/new stories. (3!)
• Read at least seven new books outside of school. (20!)
• Get only B’s and higher.
• Hit LVL 85 on WoW. (So close!)
• Max a DC Universe Online character.
• Keep staying well-informed/up-to-date with news (politics, tech, nerdyshiz).
• Keep a record of finances.
• Call people more.
• Do something productive over the summer.

Dude. I’ve done pretty well this year. Yay! The punctual thing, as well as the inability to keep track of finances, are definitely big things I really need to work on, though. The calling people thing has to do with initiating stuff, which I still struggle with. A lot. Social anxiety, you suck.

Okay, for next year, I want to:

• Be more punctual, damn it.
• Get a job.
• Exercise!
• Reply to texts and e-mails faster.
• Read 15 books outside of school.
• Be thriftier.
• Do NaNoWriMo!
• Participate in either a Big Bang or a gift exchange.
• Travel somewhere new.
• Drink in a more controlled manner.
• Not go home with anyone with whom I don’t feel comfortable and enthusiastic about.
• Learn to bake more!

“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: to rise above the little things.”
– John Burroughs

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
American bars, bars, bars!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Did pretty well this year. I’m proud. Looking forward to setting some more goals for myself for the coming year, during which so much will change.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Traveled a lot but didn’t leave the country.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
The strength and resolve to turn someone down if I’m uncomfortable about it.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 30, my last day at Dorchester, talking to Allison and Renee for hours at Shake Shack and feeling like everything I’ve ever done was worth it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scoring the publishing internship in New York! Scoring the internship in Berkeley. Assistant night editor. NIGHT EDITOR. BFR editor. Event Services website. Making that first move that one night and all the subsequent ones.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to go through with a relationship and having to let Chris down. Not having the guts to be more obvious about things at my Halloween party and continuing to regret it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fell a lot and bruised even more than usual, but it’s NBD.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
TICKETS TO BROADWAY SHOWS.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Broadway, alcohol, food, technology, books, comics, public transportation. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life, haha.

15. What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to New York. My 21st birthday. Halloween. Holiday/end of the semester festivities. New Year’s. Parties in general.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Moment 4 Life – Nicki Minaj
Make Me Proud – Drake
Doing It Wrong – Drake
All of the Lights – Kanye West
Rolling in the Deep – Adele

…Yeah, I think this is why I love Drake.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I think I’m happier, but I’m also sad more frequently.
ii. thinner or fatter? Pretty sure I’m the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, yay!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Had ridiculous neurotic anxiety panic attacks.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Not in Vegas! Haha.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Diana.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, hands down.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Oh yeah. Some of my co-workers drive me up the wall.

25. What was the best book you read?
Tuesdays with Morrie, The Book Thief, and Young Avengers.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
The Kooks, Two Door Cinema Club, Ratatat, Florence + the Machine, Mumford & Sons.

27. What did you want and get?
INTERNSHIPS. Also into people’s pants.

28. What did you want and not get?
Time and inspiration to write a lot.

29. What were your favorite films of this year?
Thor, Captain America, X-Men: First Class.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 21 in New York! Worked at my dream internship, had an authentic Italian dinner with Jen and Caroline, had dessert at Max Brenner’s, and then went out to a bar with Jen.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less stressing out over stuff.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Well-dressed tomboy with everything tucked in all day err day. Jeans, V-necks, button ups, plaid, cardigans, belts. And Vans. Lots of Vans.

33. What kept you sane?
The feeling of success. Comics. Cartoons, sitcoms, and Mad Men. Hillary, Katie P. Nightwing. Alcohol. Gaming.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
Is it weird if I say nobody in particular?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
OCCUPY. SOPA.

36. Whom did you miss?
My mom, interestingly enough.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh my god. So many. Caroline, probably?

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
JUST DO IT. Seriously. Self-doubt is a waste of time. Have faith in yourself and your abilities, and you’ll go far. YOUR EFFORT COUNTS. Dedication and perseverance really will get you places. JUST SAY NO. People will respect your wishes. BE A GOOD PERSON. It shows, and brightening anyone’s day even just for a second is worth it. And DON’T WORRY — BE HAPPY!

39. Do you have any lost feelings of others?
I never get what this question is actually asking…

40. Quote a song that sums up your year:
“In this very moment / I am king.”
– “Moment 4 Life”, Nicki Minaj

“When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world / It’s just the end of a world that you had with one girl / We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together / But we sure make it feel like we’re together.”
– “Doing It Wrong”, Drake

Ten Awesome Things About 2011
1. Spending the summer in New York because of a publishing internship!
2. Becoming an assistant editor for the school paper.
3. NIGHT EDITOR.
4. Getting another publishing internship for a house distributed by Random House!
5. BFR editorship.
6. Turning 21.
7. PARTIES. Kickbacks. Pregames. Bar nights.
8. Getting a huge pay raise.
9. Really awesome new music that came out: Coldplay, The Strokes, Florence, Drake, Kanye & Jay-Z, Death Cab, OK Go, among others I’m sure I’m forgetting.
10. Nerd movie midnight premieres!

The Year, in Retrospect

2011 was a year of extremes. There were ups, and there were downs, but most of all, there was fun and victory and success and so many unforgettable memories. When I think back on it, it seems to be composed less of a progression of events and more snapshots of highs and lows. 2011 was the year that I became a different person altogether. I cannot believe such awesomeness was packed into 365 days, but the year definitely had its downsides and its moments when I questioned whether it was all worth it.

It was. It is.

This is the year I got my act together and just fucking achieved. This is the year I said, “Why not?” and just went for things. This is the year I realized my self-worth. I got to head my own department and revamp university websites. I became assistant night editor. I became an editor at a literary magazine. I got an internship in New York — the real deal. I got another internship, for a house that publishes for Random House. Fuck, I attended a conference at Random House. I became Night Editor. That means I’m in charge of a whole newspaper department. That means I’m third in rank. That’s power, mothafucka. For the first time in my life, I believe that I am going to be something big. Not a doctor, not a lawyer, not an engineer — but I am truly going to accomplish my dreams. And it’s going to be fucking sweet.

This is the year I got to bounce back from the breakup with Mark. This is the year I got to really, truly, consider my dating options in a way that has much less to do ideals and much more with raw emotion and carnal desire. I tried my hand at dating and found that I’m just not ready for a serious relationship. I tried my hand at meaningless hookups and realized, bizarrely, that having no strings attached made me way happier. They made me realize that I’m still emotionally scarred from having my heart broken, but I’m not so traumatized that I can’t engage in anything ever again. They taught me so much — what I want from a relationship (physical affection and conversation) and that I need to stand up for myself and just say no because it’s no big deal. I’ve learned that I’m seen as a bold person (still can’t figure this out) and should just act accordingly. Fuck, I so hardcore believed that my glory days were over, but I’ve still got it. And the best part is realizing I don’t need to dress up or paint my face or be girly to be considered attractive. Realizing I don’t need to take shit so seriously — play or be played. Carpe fucking diem. And completely meaningless, no-strings-attached cuddling is just about the greatest shit on the planet.

This year, I was ambitious. Chris told me I was a catch because I was “pretty and ambitious,” and it’s really stuck with me. I’ve never considered myself an ambitious person — probably because I wasn’t, not really. But now I’m doing things and going places, and I’m not letting anything or anybody stop me. And it’s awesome.

Bring it on, 2012.

Just finished Flowers for Algernon. Definitely one that makes you think. In fact, as I turned the last page, tears trickling down my face, I almost felt nauseous. Books that make you think are usually ones that simultaneously make you hate the world and ache to make things better.

I don’t know if Daniel Keyes intended for the reader to empathize with his protagonist Charlie. I know the other characters are meant to be slots for the reader to fill, Alice especially, watching as Charlie goes from struggling to excelling to degenerating. But as I turned that last page, I realized I identified with Charlie all too well.

There’s a very clear distinction between “before” Elaine and “after” Elaine. Sometimes the line between the two is a little blurrier — sometimes in retrospect, sometimes when confronted with people or environments familiar to one incarnation of me but not necessarily the other. But I see myself that way, as do many of my friends (especially the closest ones).

Everyone knows what created “after” Elaine, even though nobody really says it. I don’t voice it because I don’t believe it’s right to blame anyone, but I know what everyone is thinking. I also think it’s disingenuous for them to think they understand things that go deeper than anything I’ve ever laid out for anyone just because I wasn’t in my right mind at the time. I don’t think they realize that it wasn’t the breakup that broke me — it was what I had to face afterward, and the extents I had to go to rescue myself from that hellhole. That is why nobody should be blamed — not unless everyone wants to take the hit as well.

I used to let my friends hit me. Oh, it was all in good fun — a few punches, a few slaps, some bruises, some threats. The abuse wasn’t always physical; in fact, most of the time it was verbal. Teasing, mocking, name-calling. All in good fun. I used to let them do it — even encouraged it — because I thought it made them like me. I thought it was the only thing that made them want to keep me around. Emotional crybaby Elaine who was afraid of everything — who would want to be friends with someone like that? I let them do it because it made me feel accepted. None of my other friends took that kind of abuse — but none of those friends were as close to everyone as I was! I thought I understood: that people liked me because I let them have their way, with no consequences. They liked me because I allowed them to hit me, because I didn’t mind when they called me names. And I thought this made me the better person, accepting their abuse and allowing them to get their way when maybe they didn’t always get to in their lives. I thought this made me a selfless person.

But whenever I think back, all I can muster up is disdain for my delusion and blindness. For so long, I simply let people take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, and my insecurity because where the hell else was I supposed to get that kind of affection? I let them hit me because it wasn’t like I got hugs from anywhere. I let them make fun of me because it made them laugh, and it made them stick around. I started to make fun of myself about things I didn’t even feel insecure about, because it fed into this image they had of me. And soon enough, it was no longer an image — it became who I was.

The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

For so many years, the people I considered my best friends were also the most abusive. They were right to predict that I would end up in an abusive relationship. What they didn’t realize was that I already was in one — in fact, I was in multiple. With them. I just didn’t talk about it. A lot of times, I knew something was wrong — the hollow way I too often felt around the people I called my best friends. The constant fear. The feeling of complete distrust I felt when I was around them. But how are you supposed to trust people who hurt you repeatedly and never genuinely apologize or seem to understand what hurt in the first place? I’m not blaming them. It’s my own fault for not standing up to them. I allowed them to perpetuate their behavior.

For so long, I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see that these people stuck around because I was a good person. I listened to their problems. I tolerated their tempers and didn’t fight back. I laughed at all their jokes. I was good to them. I believed them to be so much better than I was. I let them warp me, shape me, because I believed that they knew what was good for me more than I knew for myself. I couldn’t see that I needed someone who would listen to me, talk to me, laugh at my jokes, tolerate my tempers. I couldn’t see that I needed someone who would encourage me to be myself and the best person I could be, as myself — not try to change me. I couldn’t see that I deserved better — there wasn’t better for me out there. And in complete denial of my insecurities, I blamed the world, and life, for being cruel. I thanked my lucky stars that I had friends at all — so many people didn’t. And often I thought they were silly, because they too could have friends if only they stopped expecting so much from them. If they were obliging, selfless, and complacent the way I was, then they too could have friends. I still think it’s true, but it’s certainly not a way of living that I would encourage.

See, what people don’t understand is that I have been jaded from the beginning. They think something changed to make me dark, and careless, and cynical. Oh, I won’t deny that those qualities have increased drastically in the last couple of years. But that darkness has been festering within me for a very long time.

When I was with Jayne, I had this illusion about how things were going to be different at last. I felt so happy that first time she defended me against my friends. Here was someone who believed that I deserved better. Here was someone I could trust. But then I got a big head about it. Here was also someone I didn’t agree with about the way certain things were going to be — who was she to impose her beliefs about relationships on me? I felt bullied. It looked like things weren’t going to be better after all. So I lashed out, and I ran away. And once the rage and the fear had subsided, I realized what had gone wrong. I realized that I had tried to impose my own beliefs on the relationship and on her, expecting of her what all those people had expected from me: complacency, agreement, confirmation that their choices and their opinions were the correct ones to make and have.

My relationship with Mark existed based on two golden rules: one, that I was so, so lucky that he had finally caved in after everything, and two, that now that I knew how I had destroyed my relationship with Jayne, I would always let him have his way, if only to sustain the miracle of a dream coming true. If ever a friend protested the way I let him make the decisions — sometimes even forced him when he tried to delegate them to me — I just shrugged and said I didn’t mind. What was I supposed to say? That they were fucking hypocrites because they’d often treated me with the same inconsideration? That they, too, had walked all over me? Or maybe just the truth, that I was the one really at blame, because I was more comfortable being a doormat than being forced to take the reins and make decisions for myself (and god forbid, for other people)?

And then when he made the ultimate decision for us — a breakup is like being fired; it doesn’t really matter what you say because you’re literally having someone make a huge decision for you — I decided I couldn’t face the fact that I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I clung on, believing that it was the right thing to do, no matter how much he told me he wanted me to move on and all that. I believed it was time to do things differently — clearly being a doormat and always letting him have his way hadn’t made me any more valuable. So why was I putting myself through that kind of suffering? Hadn’t I suffered enough? So I made executive decisions for myself. I wanted to be different: I wanted to be confident and hot but care less, I wanted to drink but not be bothered by the moral consequences, I wanted to enjoy the single life like I’d always romanticized, I wanted to have friends but enjoy being by myself and doing things on my own.

But I didn’t realize that the part of me that wanted to cling on, to wait, to adhere to every agreement we’d exchanged, whether we’d been in the right mind or not — that was still that Elaine I was running away from, the one that I could no longer bear to be. The one it was no longer worth it to be. And until I realized that, I would never be able to really slip into that skin I so desperately wanted. It would only ever be for show.

When I was thirteen, I was traumatized by an incident in which I found out one of my closest friends had been talking smack about me to a lot of my peers — ones that I respected, for god knows what reason, and one that I was madly in love with. It inspired (maybe coerced or forced are better words) me to enter high school with a different persona. Oh, I still let them hit and tease me. More, really. I dressed in ways I believed made me more attractive, and I acted dumber around people and voiced my confusion and mistakes more. I knew that dumb pretty girls were comfortable territory for most people. It was quite the change from the person I’d been in middle school, where I’d understood my place in society relative to the popular kids and tried to tout it as a matter of pride and acceptance (while really simply fostering my own jealousies and desires to be more like those popular kids). The first year, it got me a decent amount of male attention — but that didn’t really turn out well in the end, either.

In the middle of sophomore year, I was again traumatized by a whole series of events in which I found out that the people I considered my best friends were actually backstabbers who looked down on me and treated me with pity. And instead of trying to endear myself to them like I had before, I simply ran away. What I remember most about that spring semester is walking away from Mark’s lunchtime a cappella concerts in tears every Wednesday and burrowing myself in my studies and in comics-related things (scans, cartoons, fanfiction) in the library. In those fictional worlds, I found my sanctuary — somewhere where I couldn’t be hurt, somewhere where I knew things would end but the difference was that I expected them to. In those fictional worlds, I found beauty — something I believed to have slipped from my fingers forever.

And from there, I grew. I grew into the person I am today — the one who is confident and attractive but is concerned about more important things, like a career and making the world a better place, the one who drinks without worrying about the moral consequences, the one who has casual flings, the one who has met over 200 people in the past semester but minds being alone very little.

I reached the plateau of my potential. But like Charlie, I think I am degenerating.

Oh, don’t be mistaken — I am very happy. I am very successful. This semester, I balanced two jobs, an internship, a club, and college classes. And I managed to get promoted and get some of the best grades I’ve ever gotten in college. Not to mention all the crazy parties. But I think enjoy the drinking and the flings a little too much. My blood still runs cold when people try to pursue relationships with me, yet I still hunger for stability and predictability. I am confident and attractive, but I care too little about what people think about me, about the things that matter. I have so many more friends now but too many of those friendships, when dissected, seem to shrink down to “drinking buddy.” And too often, I find myself hungering for ways to be alone.

Too often, I feel like a broken person — yet more well-adjusted, successful, and accepted than I’ve ever felt in my life. Yes, it makes very little sense to me as well. Really, I think I’ve given up trying to understand how the world works. And human emotions. Human emotions can suck it.

I think I have given up a certain naivety in order to embrace ambition — I think I will do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams, and for the first time in my life, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I have already come to the terms with the fact that a career woman cannot be a good mother or wife, just as a career man cannot be a good father or husband. People don’t have enough room or time in their lives to fill multiple roles. I have come to terms with the fact that I will need to live sparsely and prioritize things very carefully when it comes to handling money, because I will not have a lot of it. I have come to terms with the fact that my career track means that I will not be respected by people the way that many professionals are. I have come to terms with the fact that my gender, my race, my sexual orientation, my level of attractiveness, and even my height, among hundreds of other factors, mean I will never be treated the way others may be treated, in the workplace or outside of it. But despite all those things, I will achieve my goals and make a life for myself.

I know these things. But my fear lies in this question: Where do you draw the line between a strong, social, confident, independent person and an overcompensating, overconfident, obnoxious, solitary person?

It’s okay, though. Charlie taught me that I need to appreciate this opportunity of being on top of my game at such a crucial point in my life — because it definitely won’t last forever. And to not take full advantage of the things I’m currently fortunate enough to have would be complete folly.

Hung out with Di the day before the trip and the day after. (The day after, we also hung out with Mag and Manda all day.) Old habits apparently die hard — we didn’t get an ounce of sleep that first night because we had too much to say to each other. I blame that continuous lack of sleep for my random grumpiness throughout the trip, but it was still worth it. Things have changed so much, and dear god, we have changed so much as people, but one thing that remains constant is the way click. It’s so fascinating looking back on all our years together (and apart, physically) and seeing how she has struggled to be nicer and more understanding, while I have fought to become more confident and stand up for myself. Nobody makes me laugh the way she does. I love her so much.

It’s been good to get time to myself, too, though. Every time I get precious time like this to myself, I feel like I’m being reborn. I have read four books, leveled up multiple characters in multiple games, read half of my to-read comics stack, finished Mad Men and Teen Titans, as well as started and finished Arrested Development. I’ve written a lot, too. And read some really excellent fanfiction. Such awesome fanfiction always comes out in December, what with all the Big Bangs ending and gift exchanges and AO3′s big Yuletide happening. I’m really sad I didn’t get to participate this year, but hopefully I’ll finish a few things over this break!

Got through finals! Celebrations were fantastic. I baked so many things. And drank even more.

My last nights in Berkeley really were the best. Thursday night, Hill, Connor, Kates, Nar, and I celebrated being done with a lot of drinking, which somehow led to a blind baking contest. YUM. Later that night, as I was preparing to go out, Connor told me something that meant a lot to me: that I was just hanging out with the wrong crowd and he didn’t understand why my flings weren’t after more, because anyone would be so lucky to have me, but these people must really not know what they want to miss out on something so great.

I believe that very firmly, but it was really nice to hear from someone who I just got to know this semester but has spent a lot of time with me in a very natural state. I don’t know. Maybe they would appreciate me more if I were their girlfriends’ awesome friend. (Nar and Patrick, too, have said such nice and heartwarming things to me.) But I think it’s more likely that these people are just like me — confused fuckups who crave the physical affection but can’t handle the prospect of being in a relationship at this point, especially with 1) the little time any of us have to ourselves, and 2) the amount of crazy partying we get up to (that really seems like it would be destroyed by having to be with someone).

Anyway, we meant to go to brunch at 10 in the morning on Friday, but we ended up going at 2 p.m., haha. Good times. It often really blows to be the third/fifth/seventh/ninth wheel, but I’m really glad that I get along so well with my friends’ significant others. I really look at them as dear friends of my own now. As Nar said, I’m really glad I got to meet such awesome people.

The rest of Friday was ridiculously frantic, but then we had our annual roommate holiday dinner. Got dolled up and had Italian food and lots of laughs. Dana made me order the bottomless wine for her entertainment, and I drank quite a few glasses to make it worth the money. At home, we did a present exchange, and I got some pretty cool stuff. Then Hill, Dana, and I joined up with Jordan and C.J. briefly before going to Thalassa to both give Hill a bar experience and meet/hang out with Dana’s brother who she hadn’t seen in three years. At the bar, I unexpectedly ran into Gopal, Nick, Andrew, and Mihir. Andrew left, and my friends went back to C.J.’s, but the four of us ended up hanging out all night, crawling Berkeley for something epic to do. And I did it all in wedges, too. Ridiculous. But fun.

In a way, it was the perfect way to end this crazy semester.

The next day wasn’t so great, though. Due to terrible time management, broken and faulty laundry machines, traffic, and shitty public transportation, I missed my flight. The super cheap one I’d been so happy to find, too. So I had to purchase a later flight and feel pretty down in the dumps for a while. Luckily, I ended up making it home okay, and I found an even cheaper flight for the trip back in January. It was pretty dumb, but I refuse to let it ruin my winter break, which has been pretty sweet thus far.

Vegas tomorrow!

“For someone who gets everything she wants, you sure are greedy.”

Trufax, though. Relieved to be who I am today. I’m a total emotional fuckup, but at least I’m doing shit with my life instead of complaining about not being appreciated or commended and all that bullshit. I still have debilitating commitment issues yet crave the hard-to-get, but at least I’m not letting it consume me, and I’m making moves instead of being a wuss who never gets anything done.

God, past Elaine makes me so furious.

This is relevant to my 15-page essay because I’m writing about Mailer’s construction of himself in the past! Baller.

Let’s pretend I didn’t just squander two hours of my life on anoncon.

My reaction? To run away immediately.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Monday was the newspaper end-of-the-semester banquet, which was a lot of fun. Very, uh, hazy. I’m pretty sure I drunkenly gave a rousing speech to my staff about our department’s place in the newsroom and why we aren’t recognized and what we need to do to change that. Highlight of the night was when they put on the film, and I was nudged repeatedly by giggling members of my staff and told that the first slide of the film (which it had been paused on while awards were handed out) had a spelling error. I drunkenly raised a hand just before they were going to start the video and said, “My copy editors and I just wanted to point out that [some word] is spelled wrong, and it’s super awkward…” And then people started shouting, “Fuck you!” which was hilarious, somehow, especially because the online managing editor fistbumped me and said, “I fucking love you, Elaine.” It was great.

Dead Week has been pretty miserable. Four papers in addition to two exams. Worst part is that I’ve caught a cold. First time I’ve been sick all year, and it has to be during this week! Couldn’t go to the library earlier this week because I didn’t want to spend it feeling awkward for blowing my nose and disturbing everyone. Kinda fallen in love with the Engineering Library, though. Tried going to Main Stacks one day and was scared away by the fact that people were sitting on the ground all over the place. (I sat and worked on a paper for a while before I decided it was ridiculous.) I don’t feel like I care enough, which is pretty scary, since I have no idea how I’m going to do in my classes. I’ve never been such an inattentive student in my life, and I’ve never had to work under such time constraints. Hoping to just get by.

It’s always such a shame that the holiday season is ruined by finals!

Classes are over now, which is pretty sweet. And this weekend has been awesome (but exactly not productive) thus far. Thursday night was the last night of production, so we had a big party at the office after we finished. Well, Night wasn’t finished yet, but we drank anyway. It was a lot of fun, and I got to meet a lot of people of whom I know but have never properly met.

Friday night, went to Mark’s Baroque concert, which was pretty sweet. Can’t believe how old those instruments are. The pitchiness gets on my nerves a little, but it’s a cool experience.

Then initiated my new assistant! And as of last night, I am officially night editor. Fuck, that is so cool. My name is going to be in the paper at last.

Later we all went to a big party at a friend’s house. Katie ended up at the same party because my friend and the president of her honor society live in the same house. Small fucking world! I actually met him like five minutes before she showed up, which blew my mind at the time, haha. It was pretty cool knowing/being recognized by a bunch of the TBP party crashers (since I’d met them at our Halloween party). Felt legit. The party was really fun, though I don’t remember that much of it. Did spill my guts to my new assistant, though. Think we’ll get along just fine, and I’m happy to gain a friend along the way.

Scored with Mr. Five. Things aren’t any clearer and only get more convoluted with each encounter, but it made me so happy. It is weird being forward, but I am really forward, damn. I like it a lot because I think it honestly helps me get over a lot of anxiety and shyness issues that would’ve become a problem in the workforce. Downside is people don’t get that I’m still a paranoid ball of anxiety (or even that I consider myself shy at all), so my actions or the things I say might be coming across wrong. And…

I love you? I love this? I love…what? What the fuck did you say? What the fuck was that?

I dreamt that you kicked me out, but then I woke up and found you next to me, still in my arms. That was kind of an awesome moment of realization. Even more awesome was how you fed me my favorite pizza and made me coffee. And that apology on the way home. Fuck. Every time you apologize for something, I get more and more into you.

We’re like the same goddamned person. Come on, man.