mood: cynical and disillusioned
music: Without Stars – Basshunter

There are a lot of times in my life when I just want to move to a remote island and read and write and listen to music for the rest of my life and forget that the outside world exists.

This is most definitely one of them.

I wrote this after the first two or so weeks after returning to Berkeley after Winter Break:

It feels so good to be back in Berkeley!

Arrived back at around 2ish, and my roommate Sandia arrived like ten minutes later. We had a good reunion, sharing stories about break (not that I had very many) and unpacking (she bought so many new clothes, holy crap) and greeting everyone. Started meeting new people, too, all of whom are pretty cool.

My favorite is definitely Hillary, who is this athletic, spazzy, but very chill chick who lives in the room right across from mine. She, Katie, and I are getting along really well. We’re like…happy mediums, you know? We’re like not too girly, but not too dudey, not too wild but willing to party, not too whorey but certainly not asexual, not too cool but not hermits either. And I really like that we’re not exclusive people, we just end up hanging out because everybody else is so busy all of the time. There’s something in Hillary that I just…trust and connect with, which is rare for me. (Katie’s a big exception.)

Speaking of Katie… God, I love her. Seriously, we never run out of stuff to say to each other, and even when our conversations fade into silence, it’s totally comfortable. It’s not like… You see, she’s not just like, oh awesome friend because she’s so kind and dependable and stuff. what stands out to me about our friendship is just that it’s so EASY. We connect so well without even trying to make it happen. She’s definitely my closest Berkeley friend. I juts know that she’s gonna be one of those friends with which your friendship will always be solid, and even if the amount you talk and hang out fluctuates throughout your life, you’ll always be able to juts catch up where you left off.

C.J.’s been really great, too. The two of us still have a friendship unlike our friendships with other people on the floor, I feel like. It’s laidback but sturdy. I think the thing is not that our friendship is super easy or that we have so much to say to each other, but that we connect well on an emotional level. We’re just comfortable saying a lot to each other, I guess. It’s pretty neat.

I never got to finish that entry, but it definitely illustrates how I felt about everything here at the time. And now, that’s kinda all fallen apart. I started on another entry a few weeks ago:

I’ve got the second semester blues… It’s been great getting to know new people and all that, but why does everything always have to come at a cost. I feel like a lot of my closest friends aren’t as fond of me this semester while at the same time they’re growing closer. Then again, maybe I’m just paranoid. Wouldn’t be the first time, haha.

Sandia is pledging TriDelt, which is, sad to say, the skankiest sorority on campus. No comment on that… She just told us yesterday that she had made her decision, although I’d been expecting it for a long time, especially since Sarah has been really pushing for it. A big part of me is simply happy for her; much as I’d like to think otherwise, she does fit in with those girls. I mean, there’s definitely a part of her — the chemical engineering part — that doesn’t fit in with them exactly, but there is definitely a large part of her that simply loves drinking, partying, and hooking up with guys. Another part of me is simply confused about how to react.

Everything is changing. I can feel it in my bones. I know that change can bring about some really great things, but sometimes, at the core of me, I just hate it, because most of the time it only brings trouble.

I thought everything was fine despite all of those things. I thought that things were working out, that I was just going to be reasonable and strong, that everything would be all right in due time.

But things have only gotten progressively worse lately.

It’s like, I don’t know if I can trust any of my friends here anymore. I don’t know how to act towards half of them. I don’t know where I stand at all with like, anyone. What was the point of giving me that glimpse of belonging if it was all going to fall apart? If it was just going to be a sham? If it wasn’t going to be worth it? I don’t even remember what it’s like not to feel awkward around them anymore. I’m suspicious, I’m paranoid, I’m disillusioned. Was it so that I could get over Mark? Was it so that I could fall in love with Berkeley? Was it to give me something to find comfort in when it felt like my life was not worth living anymore? Was it to save me?

I guess if it saved me, then it was worth it. We fight against the idea of “Better to have loved than to never know love at all” because we can’t imagine or say what life would be like had we never loved. Because sometimes, ignorance is bliss and memory a curse.

Is this year meant to leave me feeling jaded again? How many freaking times do we have to be let down enough in our lives for it to be okay for us to say, “Okay! Enough! Enough of this. I’m done”? I’m so strong every day, trusting in my ability, trusting in the people around me, trusting in my future. It’ll be a long time before I’m completely worn down, but at the same time, there is so much chipping away at me constantly, like swarms of rodents or insects tearing at my flesh hungrily.

Is there an end to this madness to look forward to?

I am so proud of myself for all the headway I have made this year, but is this how it’s just going to be? You learn, you improve yourself, you get some things you work for, you get let down by some things but learn how to be happy with the things that you still have, and then you just get it all taken away from you so that you have to repeat the process all over again, minus everything that you’ve worked to keep in your life? Is death the only end to this cycle?

I’m sick of running away from things, of being seen as weak, of being seen as needing protection. So I face things, even when every bone in my body is protesting the strain. So I tell people how I feel, so I apologize when I am wrong, so I demand respect when I deserve it. So I don’t back down when it’s easier, so I don’t go along with things I don’t agree with, so I don’t let anybody tell me how to feel or what to do.

But maybe it doesn’t matter how much you improve yourself. Maybe life just never runs out of things to throw at you.

Damn.

I’m sick of fighting off negative thoughts. I’m still happy, because being happy is just something that has to do with willpower and the ability to find happiness in the little things and to not dwell on the bigger problems, but it is getting progressively harder to keep up.

I need a long, long hug from somebody who I can trust not to screw me over and turn against me, some genuine reassurance that I am a legitimately good person who just gets screwed over a lot, and love. Lots of love.

Or a good book, good music, some sunshine, and some really good sushi. I’ll settle for that.

For the rest of my life, if needs be.

mood: chill
music: Clocks – Coldplay

On January 6th, Mark came over and we just hung out all day. I made dinner but it turned out badly and I was disappointed but Mark was really nice about it and said it smelled really good, I just didn’t have flour on hand so the texture wasn’t right at all. We also made lemon cheesecake bars together, which was fun. Except that we were kinda n00bs about it, but they still tasted good, haha. Oh, and I conquered my fear of the oven! (C.J. says it’s more like paranoia than fear, but still.) I just put on that damn oven mitten and stuck my hand in the oven and pulled that container outta there. It made me feel pretty awesome, hahaha. You know what this means, though? It means that I can start baking! I’m excited. Must learn how to master a bunch of baked goods this summer. Hopefully I won’t fail too horribly.

That day served as kind of a reality check for me. It brought to surface a lot of emotions that I thought were long gone. I thought really hard for the next few days, and I sorted everything out in my head (as well as possible, anyway), so that’s good. I’m not going to pretend that everything is fine and dandy now that I’ve learned that everything isn’t, but facing your problems head on is definitely healthier than whatever was happening in my head before when I didn’t even realize this was really a problem. I understand myself a lot better, now, so I’m glad for that, but I definitely could’ve done without the agonizing nightmares. They were pretty tragic; I’m glad that they were only dreams.

It also served as a reality check in another way. For one, circumstances made me realize again how lucky I am to go to school in Berkeley, where nobody blinks an eye when I announce my bisexuality. I’m not saying that everyone’s like WOOHOO AWESOME but it’s definitely different from things at home, where it’s not necessarily the end of the world but it’s definitely far from awesome. I dunno. It’s been a long time since I had to feel defensive about it, I guess? :\

Went to work on the 7th and was very productive since there was like almost no business. Yay, writing! Then, I went home to eat stir-fried crab for dinner (mmm!) and then headed over to UTC, where I met with Mag for some Cha for Tea. We had a good time talking for hours, and it made me feel just…really happy to be friends with her. Mag and I definitely have one of those friendships where it’s like… No matter how frequently or infrequently we talk when we’re away from each other, we can always just pick up where we left off and it’s never awkward or anything, and it’s always fun. I’m so grateful for her. She’s gone through so much with me, and she’s put up with so much of my shit, and she’s always ready to be a good friend and to speak her mind whenever I go to her for anything, whether it be advice on decisions, opinions on my feelings, or even just book recommendations.

The first half of Friday the 8th was full of errand-running. Stopped by the bank, Target, Office Max, Barnes & Noble (talked to an awesome store rep about books and ended up getting some recs, which was pretty awesome; I want to work there so badly!), and GameStop. Had to go to multiple Targets and GameStops before I found freaking Wii remotes… It was ridiculous, but I got them in the end. And then Mark came over and played the new Super Mario Bros. game that I bought with Jess and me, which was a lot of fun (yet very frustrating for him, I’m sure, seeing as the two of us veer on the pathetic side in that game, haha).

I spent a lot of time in the next few days watching The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Justice League, and Yu-Gi-Oh! while working on the coasters that I was making my friends for Christmas (late presents since I got back so late and then had to go to Vegas). I really enjoy doing crafts, and I really liked catching up on those shows while doing something productive as well, so that was cool. I was a little emotionally unstable, too, for a few days, so it felt good to just keep myself busy. Reading and writing also helped for sure. I was really excited to start working on stuff again. I really hope that I can keep it up, now that I have school and socializing to worry about as well.

On Tuesday the 12th, Katie came over and we went to Pinkberry and just sat and talked about random stuff for a long time. It was laid back and nice. I always have a good time just talking with Katie, since we never seem to run out of things to say and stories to share with each other. She invited me to sushi with her friend at UCI but I had dinner plans so I took a raincheck. Went to Buca with Mark and my sister, and I stupidly was unaware that the coupon I’d been intending to use had expired and felt like a dumbass. Things seemed kind of really tense between Mark and me but I think he was just stressed out… I don’t know. We ended up going back to my place to play more Super Mario Bros, yay.

I spent the next few days mostly just working and spending time to myself. On Wednesday, Mark and I went to dinner at Veggie Grill and got some Cha. He convinced me to try Jade Green Milk Tea, which I really liked, hooray! We had good, long talks that made me very happy, and just chilled in general. The next day, we got Pinkberry and talked some more, and he asked me to accompany him on some errand running the next morning, but I had work. I’d traded shifts with someone so that I could spend time with Katie on Tuesday. But Mark seemed REALLY bummed so I tried reaching my mom unsuccessfully (she was sleeping)… The next morning I asked if I could switch shifts to the night one. She said no because the night person had school during the day. I told her I just wasn’t going to go because if I hadn’t been home, they would just have had to deal with not having a sub anyway. She freaked out and kept asking why I would not go and I just said that something came up; didn’t want to give her details because it would just be Thanksgiving all over again. I went to my room and called my aunt to tell her I wasn’t going to go in. But she said they were really desperate for help that day especially (since it was Friday) and I said fine and told my mom I was just going to go.

But then she went fucking NUTS over the fact that I wouldn’t tell her why I didn’t want to go. Like screaming nuts. Like ranting about how she could’ve raised two such horrible daughters nuts. She was absofucking RAVING. Venting much? She even brought up that Monday, when I had been in the middle of a bad argument and had been really upset and feeling like there was no point of doing anything anymore — and my dad had heard me crying and stormed in and acted like a fucking douchebag and then announced the fact to the whole house. My mom had come in and I had told her I didn’t want to talk about it but she wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone so I had to just kind of ignore her. Anyway, as she was going nuts, she kept asking really annoying questions about that night and why I had been crying and this SERIOUSLY pissed me off. Serious pet peeve = people who pry you and refuse to mind their own business. I told her that I had just been arguing with a friend, which happened regularly, she just wasn’t ever home to see it, which was not a bitter statement wanting her to be home more because I certainly don’t, but more like a “Bitch, do you seriously believe that my life stops when you’re not around?” Anyway, I was really effing pissed off. She kept talking about how I was “so different” now and never told her anything and more and all this fucking bullshit. I have no obligation to tell you everything that goes on in my life. I NEVER HAVE. You just can’t handle that instead of just not mentioning things, I actually straight up tell you that I’m not going to tell you things. Dumbshit. As you can see, I’m still pissed off about it. But whatever. I’m not going to cave into her demands. Pathetic.

Thank god for Mark, who said it was fine that I couldn’t go. I still really bad and disappointed, though.

Anyway. On Saturday, I had lunch with Mag, Kell, Manda, and Erin at Spectrum. Kell left because she was sick and didn’t want to walk around. After some satisfactory shopping, Mag had to leave because a family friend was having a baby or something. Manda, Erin, and I chilled at Barnes for a while, reading silly books and just talking. That was cool. Then, we were going to go to Erin’s to play RockBand, but Di called and said she wanted to play Super Mario Bros. and that Matt could help us, haha. After I got there with my game, she realized that she didn’t have the two controllers that she told me she had, so I had to drive home and pick up two more. Then, I tried to go to Target to trade one in for the super Wii remote thing, but they were sold out, so then I got annoyed that I had just wasted all that time. And then when I got back to Di’s, they were just watching a movie and not even playing so I was like WTF did I just do all that for nothing? But then later we did end up playing so that was a relief. Erin went home around seven, but Di, Matt, Amanda, and I went to eat dinner at Buca di Beppo, which was relatively fun. I like Matt a lot.

So yeah. The next morning, Mark picked me up at like ten to go to the airport to head to another home.

mood: lucky
music: Everything – Michael Buble

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison

Today, I will admit to you, to my friends, and to myself something that we all know but never discuss —

Without hope or agenda, because it’s a day that would have been special to us if things were different: I really miss you.

Thank you for all the good days, all the not-so-good ones, and everything in between.

I am not sad, for our lives are good. I am not holding on, for there is a whole world to explore. I am not bitter, because our love was true. I am not waiting, because there’s more to life. I am not expectant, because I remember our promises and our not-promises. I am not hopeless, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Instead, I am happy. Happy that you have found something that you have been searching for; happy that I have become a better person and am discovering and rediscovering myself every day. Happy that we are cordial, that we are supportive, that we are caring, that we are loving towards each other. Happy that you are my bestest.

Instead, I am keeping an open mind.

Instead, I wake up every morning excited to see what the day will bring me.

And more importantly than all of this —

Thank you for being my best friend. I am so fortunate and glad to have you in my life. Here’s to tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow!

mood: liberated
music: Shake My Hand – The Jakes/Young the Giants

I love you because you set me free. But I want to set you free, too. And… I want to set me free, too.

I love you because we match.

I love you because you keep coming back, too.

I love you because you don’t give me what I want… You give me what I need.

I love you because I know you, and you know me, but at the same time there’s still so much to learn, so much room to grow.

I love you because it’s not hard, it’s not easy — it just is.

I love you simply because I do.

I regressed over break, but I won’t let this love hold me down any longer. Because I love you. Because I love myself. And because you love me, too.

Seriously. I love you, man. Here’s to happiness, and to the power of our friendship. I’m all for many, many happy decades to come.


Tonight, Mark set me free. He has before, and I flew away, only to backtrack when I became uncertain of the direction in which I was flying. Tonight, I fly away again, but my wings feel much lighter.

and if i’m flying solo
at least i’m flying free


I feel good.


“I’m so afraid of losing something I love, that I refuse to love anything.”

“It’s easy to be emotional. You can always make a scene… Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they’re nothing.”

“So what’s something?”

“Being reliable is something. Being good.”

- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer


♥

mood: gloomy
music: Glass of Water – Coldplay

What is this nonsense?

I feel like parts of me just keep falling away.

I’m remembering why everything happened the way that it did. Everything is so good as long as I’m talking, or listening. I am so happy. I am so content. I could do this forever. There are no thoughts of burning, no thoughts of erasing, no thoughts of eternal sleep. There is no pondering the future, there is no thinking about philosophies on life, there is no analyzing relationships and friendships, there is no debating right, wrong, and everything in between. There is no need for hugs, pep talks, advice, encouragement, extra affection, extra love.

The world stops when the talking stops.

The moment the silence begins, so does the sinking feeling, the one that threatens to engulf me whenever I’m left alone for more than fifteen minutes.

Is it about love? Is it about trust? Is it about easiness, about simplicity, about confidence?

It’s about the loss of all of the above.

I refuse to end up like them — there are so many wonderful examples of how NOT to act — and that’s not a struggle as much as trying to figure out how I do want to end up.

The clock keeps ticking, but I can’t keep up.

I would never wish this confusion upon anyone.