mood: strong
music: Made For You – OneRepublic

“But you know what happens after you look into the abyss? After you realize how easy it would be to let yourself be swallowed by that dark, unfathomable unknown… And after it looks back into you? One thing. One thing then becomes very clear. You figure out pretty fast that no matter how hard it is, or how impossible it gets… You don’t… You can’t… You shouldn’t ever give up.”
- Dick Grayson, Nightwing #128

Today is August 3rd. On this day last year, Mark broke up with me. It was tragic. It was unexpected. It, and the day that followed seamlessly, was the worst day of my life.

But today, that day seems like a lifetime ago. Saying that I’m healed is a complete understatement. The truth is that I’m better. And not merely better than I was at my lowest point, but better than I was before. Better than I’ve ever been.

My demons stopped chasing me the moment I stopped running. The moment I stopped trying to get better, trying to prove that I was getting better, trying to move on, trying to find emotional stability — the moment I truly accepted the way things were and saw a truth that I had been blindly fighting against the whole time (the moment when he said “You’re no better than her” — how could anyone who really deserved me say such a horrible and untrue thing to me?), that whether or not it would work out eventually — well, maybe I didn’t need it to.

Amanda: you got over it pretty quickly now that i think about it

It’s all about willpower. Like Dick said, it’s so easy to give in to depression, to feelings of helplessness, to the belief that there is nothing left for you and that you will never get better. It’s easy — but aren’t you worth more than that? I know I am worth more than the “easy” path. I know I am worth than the tears, the burn marks, the hopelessness. I am worth more than a damn relationship.

I’d be lying if I said the feelings were gone. When I feel that strongly about anything, those feelings don’t simply disappear. But what’s important is that those feelings aren’t killing me anymore. I’m not lonely. I’m not trying to get back with him. I’m not trying on anyone new. I don’t want to try anymore; it’s only ever given me trouble. I don’t want to depend on someone else for happiness anyway. If something comes along, then sure, I’ll give it a shot. But I feel like I’ve spent half of my life chasing after people, and I’m tired of how that seems to always turn out.

The other day, at the airport, I joked with Katie that maybe our planes had been delayed for some higher purpose; maybe I was going to meet my soulmate. Then I laughed and said nonchalantly, “Naw. Already met him. Didn’t work out.”

And honestly, that’s how I feel about it. Yeah, it’s tragic. Yeah, it’s a huge part of me. But it doesn’t have to consume me. And so I don’t let it.

And so in reality, this day doesn’t really mean much to me. All it represents for me is how far I’ve come in this past year, and how much I’ve grown from the chick who cried and cried and couldn’t fall asleep because she couldn’t comprehend what had gone wrong in a great relationship.

I’m damn proud.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I AM THAT USER, DUMBASS.

Commission work can suck my balls. Every time I come across a problem, I calm my rage and trial-and-error my way out of it — only to come across ANOTHER problem. This is getting ridiculous. My head hurts.

Well! At least I’m certain now that this is not the career path for me! I don’t care how able/talented/creative anyone thinks I am, I seriously can’t deal with people depending on me for creativity like this. It’s not good for my mental health.

The next city we visited was Hangzhou, which was a few hours from Suzhou. But it was worth it, because Hangzhou is an awesome city. It’s clean, it’s green (it had an awesome rental bike system), it’s freaking wealthy (we saw like a gazillion luxury car dealers and not a single normal car one, LOL), it has a gazillion Western chains, it’s built around a beautiful lake, it’s super modern without totally selling out to Western-ness… Anyway, it was my favorite.

OMG, that night was probably the best, though. Since our hotel was in the middle of a pretty busy area (and near the railroad station), we were pretty excited to explore on our own. First, though, Katie and I had to get some money since we’d been broke since earlier that day! So we went to the currency converter desk at the hotel…and were told that they didn’t have any more money. What? LOL. And when I asked if they would have it later or tomorrow morning, they were like, “Umm… I dunno. You can check the bank.” YEAH. I KNOW. Luckily, we ran into Alexandra in the foyer, who was flipping out because she’d lost a little bag of hers that had a camera SD card, $100, and a battery. So Katie and I decided to help her. We hailed a cab to go back to the restaurant, where she thought it might be. This took like, at least half an hour, and consisted mostly of running to the middle of the street to shout at taxis and praying that they would be more excited about the prospect of money than annoyed by the Westerner noobs trying to get them to stop. Eventually, we got a cab, and the driver TOTALLY ripped us off, but Alexandra was so stressed out that she didn’t care. So we searched all over the ground around the restaurant and parking lot and stuff, to no avail. I felt so bad for her! I even talked to the restaurant people and stuff in Chinese. (On this trip, I got very good at demanding things from Chinese people, LOL. It was totally bomb to be able to play the “Worried Translator Traveling with White People.”)

We walked around the area for a bit, and then Katie hailed a taxi without even meaning to, which was awesome. Rode back (for much cheaper, haha) and ran into Jake, who asked if we wanted to go clubbing with them. (He, Alexandra, and a few others had gone to a super expensive club called “Gaga” the night before and had had an epically great night.) I was totally down, but Katie wasn’t so sure. She said she was super exhausted, but she didn’t want to not go. I went back to the room with her while she decided and told her it was totally cool if she didn’t come, but I also reminded her of all the times at school when she’d gone out with us reluctantly and had ended up having fantastic nights. She ended up coming, haha, and was happy about it, too.

So we took about three taxis across the lake (or under it, rather, which was pretty cool) and met up at the club. (We’d also joined up with this group of four girls from our bus that was celebrating one of the girls’ birthdays.) At first, the people there were totally sketched out by our story, which was that Jake and the others had met the owner of the Gaga Club chain (LOL, Asian people are hilarious) the night before, in Suzhou, and he had told them that he would let them into the Gaga club in Hangzhou for free, since they were so awesome. (Obviously, anyone who they brought would also be part of this awesome package deal.) After like a gazillion phone calls, the people in charge were finally like, okay, come in. (I overheard them saying that the manager told them to let us in because if people saw foreigners hanging out at the club, it’d be good for business, LOL.) But then they were sketched out again when we told them that the owner guy had told us he’d give us two bottles of whiskey, on the house. We finally convinced them to, though! And after enough drinks, the guy who was the most sketched out by us ended up totally becoming bros with Jake and Aldo, who were the two outgoing guys who had hooked us up with the deals.

OMG, my night was so freaking legit. I mean, the place needed a dance floor, but we just ended up dancing on the platforms in front of the DJ’s. And when I say platforms, I mean platforms. I was pretty nervous about falling on my head and like, um, DYING, but mostly I was having too much fun to be troubled with my usual Elaine paranoia. Also, I’ve always loved surprising people with how much I love to dance, even though my friends at home always say I look like I’m having a seizure. WHATEVER! I can totally get low. And I had a great time doing so with my new friends while a gazillion Chinese people watched on in either fascination or horror. And I’ve got to say — it sounds gross, but whiskey + bottled green tea made like, the most amazing mixed drink ever. IT MADE NO SENSE. BUT TASTED SO GOOD. I did some shots with the guys, too, which were nummy.

You know what was probably the best part? No creepers. (I just like to dance!) No dirty frat bathrooms. And no drink limit, haha, since they just started giving us whatever drinks we wanted after a while. It was awesome. I ended up staying until the very last group left, since Jake asked me to take care of him and be his translator because he was too wasted to be able to make it home by himself, LOL. I asked him, “Doesn’t Aldo speak Chinese?” And his answer was, “Not anymore!” Hilarious. They were both actually very chill. Aldo felt bad that Jake was making us stay and showed no sign of wanting to leave, so he told us we could go back to the hotel and he’d take care of Jake. I said it was okay, and besides, Katie and I didn’t really have money, LOL. Luckily, he wasn’t mad or anything and just found it hilarious. (I tried to pay him back later for the taxi ride but he said not to worry about it and to friend him on Facebook, haha.) Anyway, it was an epic night. So much fun. And we all got back safely. Nobody was out of control, nobody was sick, everyone had fun. It was a good night. (And Alexandra found her missing bag in her suitcase the next morning! …The cashier desk still didn’t have any money the next morning, though. Good thing I had a lot of 1 yuan coins.)

Me with the girls. Epic night!

The next morning, Katie and I actually managed to wake up after only like three hours of sleep, woot. We went on a cruise on the West Lake of Hangzhou, which was gorgeous. The boat ride itself was super relaxing, too. We just sat and watched the view and talked to Alexandra and stuff. It was a nice way to start the day.

After we got back on land, we went to the Dragon Well Tea Plantation, which sounded boring but was actually very cool. We drank some very good green tea (this is coming from someone who doesn’t even like tea usually, so trust me, it was good) and listened to probably the best presentation we saw throughout the trip. The presenter was this super charismatic rep from like some division of the government that managed tea (I know, right? Totally WTF but he was such a legit presenter); he even majored in Tea. Ohmygod. So crazy. Anyway, my favorite part of the presentation was when he did an experiment for us, showing us that water doesn’t stop oxidation but green tea does, which is why you should always drink green tea after a meal and why you should still drink it no matter what your daily intake of water is. It was the coolest thing. So he poured some rice into a clear tumbler and put a few drops of iodine in it, which…oxidizes it? I’m not very good at chemistry, sorry. But the rice turned totally black. And so he poured some water into the cup — and the water itself turned black, too, so that was no good. But when he poured green tea into the mixture, the whole thing turned back to its normal colors! The rice turned white, and the iodine-y water turned clearish/he color of the tea! It may sound dumb but it totally blew my mind, haha.

Then, after lunch, we drove to Shanghai, during which I wrote a lot. Later that night, we went on another cruise, this time a nighttime one on the Huangpu River, which runs through Shanghai. Katie and I were really tired, but it was really gorgeous and a lot of fun. My camera was out of batteries at that point, unfortunately, but luckily Alexandra posted her shots up on Facebook, which turned out pretty amazing! And I had a good time with Katie, Alexandra, Adina (recently divorced mother who decided to go back to school — at Berkeley!) and Adina’s kid Nick (9-year-old kid, who seriously — I’m not joking — was such a wonderful boy that he inspired me to change my stance on raising children), all of whom I came to like so much.

Shanghai skyline from the river. I loved all the very modern and creative architecture/lighting.

On a more random note… So the hotels were nice and had signs that instructed us not to drink the tap water. And they also gave us two complimentary bottles of water a day! And then the tour group gave us each two a day. So we ended up with a LOT of water. Which Katie and I found hilarious, somehow. I mean, c’mon, look at this…

Heh. We weren’t quite sure what to do with all the extra ones when we were moving cities, so we ended up just lugging them around. Definitely came in use! That hot, humid weather is freaking killer.

On an even more random note, Katie was poking around the hotel room in Beijing and found a book about AIDS where you’d usually find a Bible in American hotels. Even better was that inside the book was a free Chinese condom. A CHINESE CONDOM! Obviously, I found this the most awesome thing in the world and decided to take it home as a souvenir.

On the fifth day, we went to go check out the Beijing Olympics site, which was pretty cool. After we checked the Bird’s Nest and the Water Cube out, Katie and I got a Chinese lemonade drink and just kinda hung out for a while, which was nice since it was so damned hot outside.

Then, we headed over to the airport to fly to Shanghai. I’m a snob about airline food, so I got instant noodles instead (for some reason, Chinese airports all have cold and hot water dispensers!), yum. The flight was cool and stuff, except for the fact that I DISCOVERED THAT MY COMPUTER WAS BROKEN.

So when I was in line for security scans, I pulled my netbook out of its case in my backpack…and dropped it on the ground. Yeah. I know. Clumsy Elaine strikes again. But seriously, I have never broken a computer before. Every time I get a new computer, it’s always been due to a lack of space on the hard drive. I know I drop my phones and iPods a lot, but this was something else entirely! This was my connection to the outside world! This was the tool I used to read my saved stories and comics! This was the thing I needed during my free time! This was my freaking netbook, my precious Starscream! And it just kept telling me that it had no operating system. UGH! And as is typical of me, I had a breakdown on the plane when I discovered this fact. Oh man.

So that almost ruined my day, except I didn’t let it, because I was still on vacation and damned if I was going to let it be ruined by my own stupidity and clumsiness. So I decided that after the flight, I was only allowed to think of solutions and not dwell on the problem. SIGH. At least I read and wrote a lot during my free time later that night, I guess. That night, we traveled to Suzhou and lodged in a hotel there with a teensy tiny bathroom.

The next day, we checked out the Zhuo Zheng Gardens (I think they called it the “Humble Administrator’s Garden”), which are supposed to be super famous for their beauty. I was more impressed by the freaking vastness of the place! It was like a damn labyrinth, though, so I was grateful for Katie’s good sense of direction!

I thought these circle doorways were the coolest thing ever. Katie didn’t quite share my enthusiasm, but then again, her last name doesn’t start with an O!

Then, we went to go visit a silk factory, which both fascinated and grossed me out. Silkworms are still wormy little things, even if they produce gorgeous fabric. After lunch, we went to visit Tiger Hill, which is this leaning pagoda. When we asked if it was intended to be leaning, our tourguide was like “Oh, uh… No.” LOL. Kinda cool nonetheless, though.

I’m pretty sure my Asian eyes got even squintier by virtue of actually being in Asia.

Look at how unstraight that tower is!

Day 4 was pretty awesome! In the morning, we went to visit a jade factory, where they taught us how to distinguish awesome jade from shitty jade. One of the demonstrations involved clinking one jade bangle against the other, and the real one made this gorgeous noise that I feel like should be made into a percussion instrument! It was like the sound of a triangle but a thousand times prettier. We hung out there for a while, checking out a gazillion jade statues. The jewelry didn’t really interest me (I have no use for expensive jewelry, honestly; stuff from Icing or Target is just fine), but I was amused by the random jade knickknacks, such as a jade backscratcher. Seriously? Seriously.

My favorite statue. So powerful.

The jade expert guy told us that this cabbage represented fortune and fame. Color me a little skeptical.

After that, we climbed the Great Wall! Now that was epic. I’m not sure what I expected, but it definitely exceeded my expectations. I started getting hella scared the moment I actually saw the damn thing, which was ridiculously steep (the tour guide said the stairs were positioned at like 60 degrees). There was an easier set of stairs and a more difficult one, and I think like everyone chose the harder one, and of course Katie the Athlete wasn’t going to take the easy way out. And I guess I’m glad we went for the crazy one, but OMG, at the time, I was so not okay, LOL. Katie ended up going way ahead of me, while I slowly progressed up the damn wall and stopped every few moments to flip out about being so high up and pondering what it would be like to go down the thing. I actually met a lot of people on the way and got to know a lot of people on the way! Haha. I didn’t reach the very, very top, but I was pretty much one set of stairs away from it. I would’ve gone for it if time hadn’t run out, I think. At that point, we were all already like half an hour late, too, so yeah. Anyway, it was totally one of those life-changing experiences. Okay, not life-changing exactly, but one of those things that I’m totally going to use against myself when I’m doubting my ability or being daunted by something. It’s like, I climbed the Great Wall, bitch! ___ should be nothing. I hope.

The way down was slowgoing for me, but I made it, obviously, so it’s okay! This random Chinese was hitting on me half of the way down, ahaha. He gave me his namecard (seriously?) and talked to me a lot; I tried not to let it show that I only understood half of what he was saying, LOL. He wasn’t unattractive, and it was actually cool because he distracted me from the TERRIFYINGLY UNEVEN AND VERY HIGH STEPS by telling me about all the places I should visit in China. Coolios.

Before climbing the Great Wall!

Stairs upon stairs upon stairs! It doesn’t look too steep here, but trust me, it really was.

Almost there…

The group of us who took the challenging slope!

For lunch, we went to this…Manchurian? place that was famous for its “Firewater,” which is basically like a really strong Chinese hard liquor. Apparently at a lot of traditional restaurants in that province, some hot chick would stand outside the front door with a jug of it and wouldn’t let you in until you took shots of the Firewater with her, LOL. What an awesome and hilarious tradition. So we all tried some, and a lot of people were appalled by it, but it tasted like vodka with the burn of good tequila to me. I dug it. So I took another shot with my buddy Nir. And then we did some Firewater bombs (how cool is that name!) with the free beer we got at like every meal, which were FANTASTIC. Uh, by the way, China’s drinking age is 18, which was freaking awesome. It wasn’t the fact that we could drink but rather the lack of restriction that I liked, if that makes sense.

Anyway, after lunch, we headed over to the Temple of Heaven, which was pretty cool. It was super hot, though. I feel like the heat definitely cut into my enjoyment of a lot of the tourist sites on the trip, haha. But that’s okay; it was expected. And it was still cool to see things that were not only so damn ancient but actually like, part of my heritage and stuff. After that, we went to a pearl factory, where I bought some stuff for my mom, my sister, and myself. I got these cute black pearl stud earrings! Very plain, just the way I like ‘em. And I’ve always loved black pearl stuff; I think it’s so totally badass, and I figured that I’d wear the earrings more than I’d wear a pendant, so ya.

That night, we had Peking duck for dinner! Which I absolutely fell in love with, OMG. I’ve gone like all my life avoiding duck, which my family always orders when we go to formalish Chinese restaurants and stuff. But in China, I inhaled like two plates of the stuff. Nobody else at my table liked it that much, so I had free reign, which was awesome. Katie liked it a lot, too. Now I’m excited to be able to say that I eat seafood, fowl, and raw vegetables (and, ya know, like, normal things such as pasta and pizza and sandwiches). It was a great way to end a very cool day!