|
Away From Home By: Amphitrite (papervanity@gmail.com) Rated: PG-13 Pairing: Ginny/Luna Summary: Ginny leaves. Luna learns to stand on her own.
One of these days
I won’t be afraid of being with you I hope and I pray Waiting to find my way back to you ‘Cause that’s where I’m home - One of
These Days, Michelle Branch * Ginny left on Christmas Eve. * It has been one week since Ginny left.
Luna can’t concentrate on anything. She stands at the counter in the small
kitchen, chopping up oregano leaves. She glances distractedly at the knife
whilst cutting the green leaves. It is one of a set they had received as a
wedding gift. She sighs and the knife slips. Luna sighs. Now there is a long
cut on her index and middle fingers, and a leaf is drenched in blood. “Merry Christmas,” she whispers bitterly. * It has been three weeks since Ginny left. Luna wishes for the simple days at
Hogwarts. The days before the war, when her biggest worry was trying to get
her belongings back from the people who had stolen them. She remembers being
teased and talked of behind her back by the other kids, accepting it all
without being hurt or angry. She admires the emotional strength she had as a
child and wishes she were still that strong. But she has seen too much. When her mother was killed and she was
only nine, she didn’t cry. She only asked her father where Mummy was now. Her
father had gently explained that she was on a permanent holiday in a
beautiful place, one that Luna herself would be traveling to one day; one
day, all three of them would be united again, after death. Luna had smiled
and said, “I’m glad. I can’t wait until I get to travel there.” Her father
had tried to smile, rubbing tearstains off his face. When her father was murdered by the Death
Eaters, Luna was sixteen. And that was when everything changed. She stopped
reading The Quibbler, began investigating and getting all her
belongings back, and hexed anyone who mentioned her father in a
less-than-kind way. This was when Ginny had approached her. Luna sighs. Why does everything always seem
to go back to Ginny? * It has been four months since Ginny left. Ginny is beginning to resent Luna. She is
ruining all of Ginny’s one-night stands, though indirectly. Every night that
Ginny goes out to drink, the same thing happens over and over again. “Hey,” Ginny says to the cute blonde
downing her Firewhiskey impressively. She tries to
convince herself that the color of the girl’s hair has nothing to do with
trying to substitute Luna. The girl looks up at Ginny from underneath
her long eyelashes and after eyeing her appreciatively, licks her glossy
bottom lip in a blatant coquettish manner. “Hey, sweetie,” she says sweetly,
almost purring. She motions for the barman, who procures another glass of Firewhiskey. Later that night, as the two tumble in bed
(or sometimes against a wall or in a restroom stall or in a deserted
alley—whatever is most convenient), Ginny cannot help but notice how the
stranger’s hands aren’t soft like Luna’s, how her cry is higher pitched than
Luna’s, and how she isn’t nearly as shapely as Luna. She reaches her climax
with her eyes clenched shut and lips pressed shut. Without another word, she gets dressed and
leaves. She sleeps with a different woman every
night, and yet she isn’t happy. In the quiet moments, she sometimes
wonders if she made a mistake. * It has been six months since Ginny left. Luna, sitting alone in the living room of
their flat, pats her growing stomach nervously. She is pregnant again, and
scared. This time Ginny won’t be there to hold her hand. Luna is a brave and
independent girl, but Ginny’s comfort is special. Was special. She doesn’t
know anymore. She stares at the television screen and raises the remote
controller to change the station. She hates this channel. Hours later, she glances at the time. Cho should be back with the kids any time. She looks
around. The windows are still boarded up. Floating candles glow eerily with
blue, green, pink, orange, and purple light. There are no electric outlets. * It has been one year since Ginny left. Ginny is having tea with Hannah Abbott, an
old friend and past lover. She is looking very pretty nowadays, blonde hair
highlighted, delectable pink lips slightly parted as she takes a sip from her
teacup, and a black ribbon tied primly around her neck. Ginny knows if she
kissed her right now she would make a sweet, content noise that Ginny has
always loved. Ginny knows she would kiss her if she weren’t with Helen. She
stares at the manicured fingers tapping the tabletop thoughtfully. She looks
up when Hannah speaks. “So, how is Luna these days?” Ginny stiffens at the name, all thoughts
of how kissing those pretty lips and wrapping a hand around those lovely
fingers gone. She stirs a scoop of sugar into her tea absentmindedly and
looks away. “I wouldn’t know,” is all she can say. Her
voice sounds rough and wispy, as if she has been crying. She hasn’t cried for
a long time. Hannah peers at her curiously. “You two
haven’t… Have you?” “We were never really in it for anything
other than the sex,” she lies. “We thought it was better to end it. It’s not
like it was really anything, anyway.” Lies,
her mind whispers to her. Just keep lying and maybe it’ll become reality.
Not. She winces in guilt and hopes that Hannah hasn’t noticed. Tap, tap, go Hannah’s shiny fingernails.
Hannah is frowning. “I always thought you two were…” she
trails off, gaze flickering to Ginny’s empty left ring finger. Ginny notices
and clenches her fist. “No, just fuck buddies.” Even in her head
the words sting. Hannah looks aghast at the crude title. Ginny looks away.
She knows Luna would have slapped her if she had heard those words spoken.
Their relationship had never revolved around sex, unlike with most of Ginny’s
girlfriends. She sighs and stands up, pretending to check her watch. “Well, I guess it’s time for me to go,”
she says, offering Hannah a falsely regretful smile. Hannah nods and flashes her a brilliant smile. “It was nice talking to you again, Ginny.
Feel free to call me anytime.” Ginny smiles tightly and nods. She pulls
her cloak on and walks out of the café. Clickity, click, go Ginny’s stilettos. Back at the small table, Hannah’s pretty
pink lips are pressed together and she is frowning. * It has been two years since Ginny left. Dearest Helen is her lover, now. They have
been together for a year and seven months. Ginny is amazed that they have
lasted this long. Usually her relationships last a month max. She wonders if
Helen is special, like Luna was. Or maybe Ginny is just growing up. Helen turns in her sleep and burrows her
head into the nook where Ginny’s neck and shoulder meet. Ginny strokes her
dark hair gently and watches her girlfriend sleep. Helen is a small, shy
girl. She is beautiful, Ginny thinks, as she runs her hand down the
pale cheek. Helen’s skin is fair, horrible for hiding scars or blemishes of
any kind. Ginny loves it anyway. She loves touching it in all the right
places and kissing it all over and attacking it with love bites. And Helen
returns the favor. She is a pretty, albeit rather normal
girl. She likes chocolate and roses and long walks on the beach. Her hobbies
include shopping, fine dining, and reading romantic poetry. Ginny thinks she
is wonderful. But sometimes, when she is feeling thoughtful, she wonders if
she is trying to shove the memories of Luna into the deep, abandoned crevices
of her mind. Helen is so opposite from Luna in almost every way—from the
black hair and the dark eyes to her simple normality and open affection. Ginny sighs. Sometimes she wants Luna
back. Sometimes she misses her eccentricities, what with her strange jewelry
and eerie calmness and—and that wand tucked primly behind her ear. Ginny
bites her bottom lip, hard. She won’t deny that she misses Luna. She made
Ginny laugh, she always cheered her up when she felt down, she was extremely
loyal and devoted in her own ways, and… Every time Ginny walked into the room
her entire face would light up and the most beautiful smile would appear upon
her face. Ginny squeezes her eyes
shut and tries to will the images away. You are with Helen, now,
she tells herself firmly. Luna…There is no more Luna in your life. But
try as she does, she still has lingering feelings—feelings transcending mere
infatuation. She wraps an arm tightly around Helen and
pushes the memories away. * It has been five years since Ginny left.
Shane is already four years old and They now have enough sense to not ask why
they only have one mummy. Luna is twenty-seven and tired of
everything in the world.
* It has been six years since Ginny left. Luna is out to dinner with Cho, who has been a flurry of blue silk and black hair
all day. It is Luna’s birthday. A Muggle
Christmas light dangles from one ear and a seashell from the other. She is in
a white dress and worn black jeans. Cho smiles at
her fondly and takes her hand. Luna lets her. Her birthday present is a ring. It is
beautiful but not ostentatious—just the way Luna likes it. Cho’s eyes are bright and full of hope as she says
softly, “And maybe one day you’ll let me buy you a ring to replace that
one.” She looks pointedly at the ring on Luna’s left fourth finger. Luna swallows as she is jolted back to
reality. “Cho, I’ve
already told you. That’s not going to happen. Just give it up and go for
someone not pathetic and weak and still attached to the girl who left her.” “Luna, please…” “Save it,” Luna snaps. Cho fails to hide the hurt in her eyes. She
nods. “Sorry,” she mutters, her voice full of resent and disappointment. Luna looks away. She hates this, too. * It has been seven years since Ginny left. Ginny crumples up parchment for what feels
like the hundredth time today. At least ten pieces of paper are scattered on
the floor under and around the desk. Two quills lie broken on the desk. She
is on her third one now. She sighs in frustration. It is so difficult putting
her feelings on paper. How do you tell someone who you love but left seven
years ago that the only reason you ever left was because you were afraid of
being loved back? Ginny bites her lip and puts the tip of
the quill to the paper. Dear Luna, she writes. * It has been eight years since Ginny left,
and seven months since their reunion. “Ginny,” Luna says quietly, clasping her
hands in her lap in the fashion of a nervous schoolgirl. Ginny smiles
brilliantly at her. “Hmm?” “I can’t do this anymore.” Ginny is puzzled. “Do what?” “This.” Luna gestures at the air
around them vaguely. “ “Luna… I’m afraid, too. You weren’t the
only one hurt.” Ginny’s tone is soft, soothing, cool,
like menthol. But Luna is not pacified, for Ginny’s words override the sound
of her voice. “Oh, yeah, you were hurt, too. Of course,
how could I forget? Because walking out on your wife while she is pregnant
with your child is something that you just couldn’t help!” Ginny cringes at the accusation. “Just
because I did it doesn’t mean I wanted to…” “Oh, now you’re saying that you didn’t
want to. So if you didn’t want to, then why the hell did you do it in the
first place?” “I’ve told you a hundred times! I was
terrified of our love—remember, you were the first
girl I’d ever had a serious relationship with! I didn’t know what to do with
me, you, with everything! And having a child… I wasn’t ready to raise
children! I was still a child myself. I wanted to see the world…” “If you didn’t want love, if you didn’t
want a real relationship, if you only wanted a one-time
shag, then why did you marry me, Ginny? Why did you propose to me? Why did
you go through the trouble if you just wanted my body…and not me?” “I don’t want your body!” Ginny exclaims.
Her eyes widen a little. “I mean, I do—you’re more beautiful than anyone else
on the planet. But I wasn’t just after the sex! And I don’t regret proposing
to you. I don’t regret marrying you! I was just scared!” “Scared,” Luna repeats flatly. “If you
were so scared, why didn’t you just tell me? I thought we had promised each
other full and complete honesty. I just woke up one morning—Christmas
morning, for God’s sake! —and you were gone, with only a note left
behind. Don’t you think that I was scared too? What I don’t understand is why
you hadn’t thought of what your departure would do to me!” “Luna, I don’t want to argue about this.” Luna is frowning, upset. The expression
upon her face is one of disbelief. “Well I do!” “Luna…” “Stop saying my name!” Luna demands
uncharacteristically. Ginny flinches. The other customers peer at the two
curiously. “You don’t deserve to say it. You don’t deserve me, Ginny.”
Even though she is the one speaking, she is surprised by the harshness of her
own words. But she realizes that it’s true. Ginny doesn’t deserve her. Ginny
doesn’t deserve the title of wife, mother, or beloved. Ginny abandoned her at
the peak of their marriage. Ginny is a slut. It is too late when Luna realizes that she
had been saying her train of thoughts aloud. The expression on Ginny’s face
is one that Luna will never forget for the rest of her life. Her blue eyes
are wide and pained, her mouth is open, and there is something about the look
on her face that just screams hurt. And then, a tear slides down her cheek. Both girls freeze. Ginny hasn’t cried in
years and is shocked by her own lack of restraint. Luna has only seen Ginny
cry twice. Once, back at Hogwarts in their fifth year when she and Ron got in
a row about her sexuality; and when the casualties of the final battle of the
war had been announced, including her father,
Charlie, Fred, and Ron. Luna shakes her head to clear it of the horrid
memories, and focuses on the girl sitting before her. The tear slips down to
land on the table. Ginny clenches her fists tightly and her entire body
stiffens. She draws in a deep breath, preparing herself for the last step,
the one that will change both of their lives forever. “Goodbye, Luna dearest. I would have given
everything up for you, but I guess you wouldn’t appreciate it…or want it.
Because I’m just a filthy dirty slut, right? Well, that’s all right, I
guess. Maybe it’s time for me to settle down with Mum at last.” Her eyes lose
focus for a moment, lost in a memory. She smiles wryly. “It’s been nice
knowing you. Thanks for everything and thanks for nothing.” She stands up.
“I’ll have my attorney contact yours.” She takes one last look at Luna, who
appears petrified. But then she looks up to meet Ginny’s eyes, and Ginny
clenches her eyes shut at the sight of all the hurt, anger, desperation, and
confusion in those beautiful silver irises. She feels Luna take her hand and
place something in it—something cool and light—and then close the fist over
the mystery object. She opens her eyes and opens her hand. In the middle of
her palm sits Luna’s silver wedding ring. Ginny bites her lip. It’s really
ending, she thinks sadly to herself. “I wish it could have worked out,” Ginny
says softly. Luna, who is standing before Ginny, scrunches her face up and
cannot resist giving Ginny one last hug. Ginny’s arms come around Luna’s
waist and squeeze her tightly, almost unwilling to let go. This is what it could’ve been… This is
what it has all come to. This is…the end, Luna thinks, and wants to cry at the thought. Ginny’s words ring
through her head: I wish it could’ve worked out. “Me too,” she answers quietly. They hold
each other, knowing that it will be the last time. Neither want to be the
first to let go, but it is Ginny that finally backs away. Their eyes meet,
gazes both loving and pained at the same time. “Just tell me one thing, Gin,”
Luna says solemnly. Ginny nods. “Do you regret what we had? Do you
regret…us?” Ginny pauses, but instead of looking away
like she wants to, she keeps eye contact between the two. She wants Luna to
know that she is being honest. “No.” And then she is gone. Luna watches her one love walk away. Each
step carries Ginny a little farther from Luna, from their relationship, from
everything they had established together. One, two, three, four, five. She’s
out of the restaurant. Strangely enough, Luna doesn’t feel like crying. She
isn’t angry or heartbroken or frightened. She just feels empty. The part of
her that belongs solely to Ginny dies the moment she steps out of that door.
And without the wedding ring, the fourth finger on Luna’s left hand does not
seem to exist. * It has been nine years since Ginny left. Ginny wears Luna’s wedding ring on a chain
around her neck. When she is out finding girls, people are always wondering
what it is—and why she still wears her own wedding ring on her fourth finger.
She always hesitates before telling some lie about
how she likes the way it looks on her hand, and how Luna’s ring is an
heirloom given to her by her mother. The girls never seem to genuinely care,
anyway. For that, Ginny is glad. She still misses Luna. It had been Ginny
that officially ended what they had, but Luna had been the one to bring it
up—and call her a slut. Ginny doesn’t feel angry about being called that
anymore. She remembers back at school when that was her reputation: the
resident school lesbian slut. It used to make her furious, but she always
pretended to be indifferent to all the name-calling. Cho
Chang used to call her a “sly bitch of a slut that liked tricking naïve
straight girls into bed”. Cho was one of the only
lesbian, bisexual, or bicurious girls at Hogwarts
that Ginny had never kissed. She remembers the hearing, standing before
all those people and not being able to say a single negative thing about her
wife (ex-wife, now, she reminds herself sadly). Luna, on the other hand, had
told everyone almost everything wrong Ginny had ever done. During the breaks,
Ginny had attempted to get to Luna, to at least say hello, but she had never
gotten the chance. Luna had been attached to Cho
Chang’s hip the entire time. She hadn’t spared Ginny a single glance outside
of the courtroom. It had broken the little sliver of Ginny’s
heart that had remained intact. She wonders what Cho
is to Luna. An acquaintance? A friend? A lover? A girlfriend? Not a fiancé,
she knows. She knows Luna well enough to know that she won’t wed again. (She
hopes.) Ginny does not want Luna sleeping with
other women. It is horribly hypocritical, but she knows she will never give
her heart to any of the girls she sleeps with. But Luna—Luna is not one for
one-night stands or for-the-hell-of-it-shags. When Luna beds someone, she
expects them to give it their all—heart included. If she and Cho are— Ginny swallows. She hopes that they will be happy
together. Even if Cho is a
stupid arrogant bitch that doesn’t even come close to deserving Luna anyway. * It has been nineteen years since Ginny
left. Luna is dead. Ginny dons a black outfit and a blank face
to the funeral. She watches the coffin being lowered into the ground as the
mourners—two of them are her very own children, but they do not recognize her
(one has never even met her)—sob and dab their plastic faces with silk
handkerchiefs. She doesn’t cry. Luna is dead. She’s not sad—she’s angry. Not
at Luna, no. She’s angry at the world, and she’s angry at the inebriated
teenager who ran her over, because if anyone had ever deserved to live, it
was Luna. Luna with her bright silver eyes and tangled hair and crooked smile
and ringing laugh. Luna with her tender kisses and sneaky tongue and nimble
fingers and her wedding ring glinting in the light. (Ginny briefly touches
the ring.) Luna with her sly wit and strange sense of humor and her eerie
calmness. Luna, who she once loved with all her
heart. Ginny bites her lip and leaves. * It has been forty-three years since Ginny
left. She visits Luna’s grave once every year,
on their wedding anniversary. This year, she has something special for
her: her wedding ring. She makes a small hole in the dirt with her hands and
buries the ring in it. She hastily wipes her eyes with the backs of her dirty
hands. “I still love you,” she whispers, and
walks away from Luna for the last time. * It has been sixty-five years since Ginny
left. Ginny is buried next to Luna. It had been
one of her two requests in her last will and testament; the other had been
that she be buried with her wedding ring. She is glad to be with her girl at last. |