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Feather
Warrior By: Amphitrite (papervanity@gmail.com) Rated: PG-13 Pairing: A little bit of
everything. Summary: A WTF attempt at
crackfic. Slight parody of Mary-Sues and Additional Sennen Items.
Lei walked to the Domino High gates and
took a deep breath. She gagged and started choking violently. “Damnit! Too
much jewelry! Too girly! Agh! Can’t breathe!” She
looked down at herself and made a face. She attempted to walk into the
schoolyard, but tripped on her three inch high heels. “Okay, even if I’m
acting as a Mary-Sue, there is _no_ way that I’m wearing this stuff!” she
screeched. Malik popped out of nowhere. “But then how am I
supposed to fall in love with you?” he asked, confused. Lei snorted. “Like you care. You’re gay.” Malik blinked twice, thinking this over. “…Oh
yeah. Go ahead and change, then.” Lei stumbled off, cursing under her
breath. Several hours later, she came back dressed in her usual casual
clothes. Malik was sprawled on the ground, reading
a magazine. “What the hell took you so long?” he asked
without looking up. “Idiot Insector
stole my clothes. Pervert.” She replied, crossing her arms. “Speak for yourself.” “Fine. I’m perverted,
he’s a…erm…a slut.” Lei finished lamely. Malik raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Insector Haga ran out of the
bushes. “Come back, my sweet! I know you really
care!” He held his arms open for Lei and launched himself onto her shoulders.
“Get the hell off of me!” She shrieked and
knocked him off. “You’re not part of this story! Get out of here!” She kicked
him off of the stage and glanced at Malik. “Let’s
get back to the script.” He just shrugged. “Okay, you go in first and make sure the
classroom is ready. I’ll come in a few seconds later.” Lei declared. Malik nodded and ran into the school. Lei got all
starry-eyed and started to drool, before slapping herself and reminding
herself that Malik was in fact gay. She nodded and
slowly walked into the building. She magically found her way to her new
classroom and walked in with the fakest smile in the world. The teacher was
saying something to the class. “-And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
oh, look! Here’s our new student! She’s beautiful and wonderfully kind and
caring and perfect.” Lei frowned to herself.
“I’m not any of those things…Oh, well.” She muttered to herself. She looked
at the teacher. “Konnichiwa Ishtar-sensei…HEY! Ishtar-sensei? The teacher, who was in fact “ “…And why not?” “I dunno.” “…Just continue.” “Fine.” Lei turned to face the class and
raised her voice a pitch higher. “Hi, I’m Lei, I’m beautiful and shit and
you’re all going to fall in love with me because I’m all beautiful and shit
and everyone falls in love with me and I have this plastic Sennen Item made
of plastic that’s supposed to look like real gold but doesn’t because it’s
actually plastic and it gives me weird powers that I don’t even understand
even though I’m supposed to because,” She took a breath. “I’m the owner of this
awesome Sennen Item that I don’t even know what to do with and is incredibly
fake because there’s only seven Items in the world, but it’s too bad because
I have this Sennen Item that’s made of plastic gold and gives me weird powers
that I don’t know about and makes me all attractive and mysterious and a
bunch of other stuff. I think.” The entire class blinked at her. Honda
raised his hand. “Can you repeat that?” “Sure! Hi, I’m Lei and I’m all beautiful
and shit and you’re all going to fall-” “_I’m_ supposed to fall in love with you,
not the other way around!” “Awwww…” she
whined. From the other side of the room, Jounouchi was whispering to Anzu,
whose eyes were glued on Mai. “Isn’t the new girl soooo
hot and um, irresistible and um, stuff?” he whispered. Without looking at
him, Anzu replied. “I thought you liked Seto.”
Jounouchi shrugged. “I do. But it’s called acting.” Anzu just rolled her eyes. In the back of them, Yuugi
was talking to his yami. “And then, he was all
like, oh my gosh, I don’t like you _that_ way! And I
was all like, oh my gosh, you’re like, sooooo fired! And he was all like, no duh! And I was
like, so, hey, you wanna, like, duel? Then he was
all like-” Yuugi stopped. He looked at Yami,
whose head was hanging back. He was drooling in his sleep. “Yami?” The pharaoh jumped in surprise. “Huh?” He looked around groggily. “ “So he was like, oh my
gosh! There’s like, no, like, way that you can like, beat my three,
like, Yellow Eyes! And I was like, what? You have like, three eyes? That’s
like, creepy! And he was like, oh, no, that is just like, creepy and-” Yami’s head hit the table. Honda --> Miho. That was it. He was
staring at Miho, drooling at the sight of Miho, daydreaming about Miho, doodling
on his spiral notebook about Miho, blinking at Miho, gaping at Miho,
imagining himself sitting next to Miho, smelling Miho, looking at Miho,
hearing Miho giggle, touchi—Okay, this is starting
to sound very wrong. Ryou was tapping him on the shoulder, trying
to get his attention. No, not that way. He was asking Honda about something
on his worksheet about beating people up. Finally, Honda turned to Ryou. “Hai, Ribbon-chan?” he asked dreamily. Ryou
stared at him in disgust. “Honda-kun, did you just call me ‘Ribbon-chan’?” Honda blinked at him. “…Huh?” Ryou shook his head and walked off toward the direction
of Jounouchi. He tapped the blond on the shoulder. Jounouchi turned to look at him. “Nani? Lei-chan?” Ryou stared at him in the same manner he had
stared at Honda. “…Jounouchi-kun, did you just call
me ‘Lei-chan’?” Jounouchi
blinked at his friend. “…” Ryou quickly
stepped away, suddenly getting a strange feeling of déjà vu. He turned to Yuugi. Yuugi stopped rambling to his sleeping yami and grinned, then turned to Ryou.
“Konnichiwa Ryou-chan!” Ryou fumed. “…Yuugi-chan!
My name is not ‘Ryou-ch-’” He stopped. “…Oh. It is.
Never mind. Gomen, Yuugi-chan.”
Yuugi said nothing (a rare moment of silence!),
looking confused. He then shrugged and continued talking, now to Ryou. Ryou drew up a chair and
actually listened to Yuugi talk. Anzu stared dreamily at Mai. Mai smiled
sweetly at Anzu. Anzu
stared dreamily at Mai. Mai shifted in her seat and smiled at Anzu. Anzu smiled back at Mai.
Mai started to doze off. …O_o Anzu stared at Mai with sparkly eyes. Bakura and Mariku were
not following the script. Instead, they were trying to burn down the
‘school’. Uhh…close enough. They were trying to
work a lighter, but of course, neither had any idea how. Currently, the two
psychotic yamis were standing behind one of the
outside walls of the ‘school’. ((A/n: For those of you wondering, school
is in these ‘’ things because it’s not really Domino High. It’s a clone of
it. Made of paper and glue. Don’t even ask.)) Bakura was squeezing the lighter, trying to make
the flame come out. Mariku was watching with a
raised eyebrow. “Baka.” He
scolded. “That won’t work.” He snatched the lighter from his fellow
troublemaker and shook it in his hand. Then he proceeded to yell at it. “Damn
lighter no baka! Turn ON! Make flames! If you don’t
make the flame come out, I’m going to—” The lighter disappeared. He turned around and glared at Bakura. “Hey! What was that for?” “It’s not going to turn on if you threaten
it! It’s not freakin’ alive!” “Well, maybe you should use the power of
the Ring and put some measly mortal’s soul in it then!” “Why the hell would I waste my energy on
that?” “…I don’t know.” The two blinked stupidly at each other for
a while. During this time, Bakura’s hand was
twitching. He clicked something without knowing and then… POOF! ((A/n: Umm, maybe that’s not the
right sound.)) The flame appeared! Freaked out by the sudden appearance of
fire, Bakura dropped the lighter and it fell… And fell… Fell… Fell… And fell onto Mariku’s
left foot. “DAMN!” he screamed and kicked it away,
then began hopping around screaming bloody murder and clutching…the wrong
foot. However, neither of the two noticed as the
lighter’s switch got jammed and landed near the school. The flame touched the
paper…and the paper started to burn and the fire began to spread… Inside the classroom, Shizuka
began to fan herself with a piece of paper. “Wow, I’m really hot.” Mokuba smiled. “I know.” She frowned and fanned
harder. “Why am I so damn hot?” Mokuba leaned his head in his palms and smiled
stupidly at her. “I wish I knew.” “It’s so hot in here!” Mokuba’s eyes lit up. “You really think so?” She
finally saw him. “Yeah, I do! Don’t you think that it’s
really hot in here? I mean, look!” She gestured at all the other people, now
fanning themselves. “Everyone in here’s hot!” She saw a drop sweat trickle
down his forehead. “See? You’re really hot too, aren’t you?” “…Oh…wow…you think…I’m…” He promptly
fainted with happiness. Shizuka frowned. “Uh…kid? Are you okay? ….kid?” “Why is it so hot in here, Ishtar-sensei?” whined Dinosaur Ryusaki.
“Ra! This is my sacrifice to you! Onegai! Bring Pixy Stixs back
to this mortal world! I beg you!” She said dramatically and looked up to see
the duelist with the dinosaur-based deck screaming as the flames got closer. They washed over him and he fell over,
fried to a crisp. Soon, the entire classroom was full of
flames. It was the Domino High barbecue! …Except that the students weren’t doing
the cooking. They were the cookees. Heh. That sounds like cookies. Yum…cookies. Uh, sorry.
Anyway, the entire classroom had bursted into
flame. Everyone was being fried… Everyone except for Lei! She had the
magical Plastic Sennen Item! It looked like…a…water bottle. She raised the
Sennen Water Bottle and her body glowed green. Why? I don’t know. Then she
said the magical words, “I love Malik!” and then
the fire was gone. Well, everyone was still burnt, but the fire was gone. That’s all that matters, right? Right? Mariku and Bakura ran
into the room, Mariku still yelling at Bakura for burning his foot. Lei frowned. Burning…Aha! “MARIKUUU! BAKURAAA!” she shrieked. The
two turned and looked at her. “YOU BURNT DOWN MY SET OF DOMINO HIGH! YOU MUST
DIE!!! AAAAH!!” She lunged at them, red in the face. The two backed away a little and readied
themselves for the hit, but it never came. They opened their eyes to see Lei
being held back a red-haired girl slightly taller than her who looked
slightly blurry at the edges. “Let me at them! They deserve to rot in
Hell!!!” “Calm down, Lei. You’re going to ruin some
of your cast members if you do that.” The girl warned. “I don’t care! Let me GO, Kata-chan!” she screamed, trying to break free. The
redhead grabbed a folder out of absolutely nowhere and whacked Lei on the
head with it. “Itai!” the
authoress shrieked. The other girl sighed. Mariku and Bakura blinked
cluelessly at them. “…?” “Who the hell are you?” Bakura asked. Lei grinned. “This is my yami,
Katana. Well, in this…mock-story thing she’s my yami.
She’s actually just my alter ego. Because she’s not exactly evil or dark and
I’m not exactly innocent. Heh. Me, Baka no Lei. Innocent.” She burst into laughter and
started rolling around on the ground. The other three stared at her. Mariku glanced at Katana. “I think this is love at first sight.” He
said. She raised an eyebrow and her hand went to
the sword at her side. “Uhh…do you really mean
that? Because if you do, I’m going to have to chop your head off.” “No, I’ve just always wanted to say that.
Anyway, I think you were my past lover in Ancient Egypt.” “Actually, Mariku,”
Katana started. “First of all, I’m not from Mariku pondered this for a second. “…Oh, yeah. I
remember now.” Bakura whacked him on the head. “Baka.” “Hey, who are you calling baka, baka?” “You’re the baka!” “No, you are!” “No, you!” “No, you!” “You are!” “You are!” “URUSEI!” Katana screamed. She rolled her
eyes. “Can we get on with the stupid story?” “No.” Lei said,
who finally stopped laughing. Katana let out an exasperated sigh and merged
back with Lei…or rather, the Sennen Water Bottle. Lei just laughed evilly and
held up the Item and yelled the magic words again. A stream of water came out
of the top of the bottle and drenched Mariku and Bakura. They growled, completely wet, and lunged
at Lei. The authoress stared at the Sennen Water Bottle, frowning. Then she
tossed it behind her and took out her magical silver-and-green quill. She
scribbled something out in midair. *Bakura and Mariku suddenly had
the urge to hop around the classroom, screaming at the top of their lungs. So
they did.* Bakura and Mariku
suddenly had the urge to hop around the ‘classroom’, screaming at the top of
their lungs. And…so they did. Lei watched amusedly as the shimmery
script faded away and she pocket her magical quill. “Yup. The Quill still works better than
any Sennen Item. Just like I thought.” She said. Mariku
and Bakura stopped hopping and glared at her. “DOES NOT! MY SENNEN ITEM IS BETTER!” they
yelled in unison. “You’re all wrong! My Puzzle is the best
of all!” shouted a new voice. All three of them turned to a crisp Yami. “Let’s decide with a Shadow Game, then!”
Lei declared. Creepy music came on. They all blinked at the sound and
activated their weapons, Yami glowing red, Bakura glowing blue, Mariku
glowing light purple, and Lei glowing green. As the yamis
aimed colorful beams at each other, Lei scribbled a bunch of junk about them
in midair. The Shadow Realm faded off and they
returned back to the classroom. All three of the dark halves blinked. “Hey! What the hell?” Lei laughed evilly. “My Quill is the most
powerful of all!” Silence. “No it isn’t.” “YES IT IS!” “Nope.” “I HAVE THE BEST SENNEN ITEM!” “The Puzzle is the best!” “My Quill is better! Nyah,
nyah!” “The Ring is the most powerful of all!” “The Rod will beat all you mortals
senseless!” “MY SENNEN ITEM IS THE MOST POWERFUL-EST
OF Bakura, Mariku, Yami, and Lei all turned at the new voice. Jounouchi stood there with his hands in the air, laughing
evilly. “…” “…” “…Jounouchi, you
don’t have a Sennen Item.” Yami said reasonably. Jounouchi shrugged. “That’s okay. I still have a yami. And he’s the best yami of
all!” He grinned stupidly. All the yamis
‘anime-vein-popped’ and lunged for Jounouchi. There
was a glow and soon everyone except for Lei was involved in a fight covered
by a cloud of dust. Lei shrugged and cheered for random people. “Oh my Ra, Lei! You’ve been abused by your
father!” Malik yelled. Lei blinked. “I have a father? And where the hell did
you come from?” she asked confusedly. He shrugged. “Isn’t that my line?” he answered, looking
a bit clueless. Lei blinked again and flipped through her script, a huge
packet that had appeared out of absolutely nowhere. “Uh…no. You’re supposed to say, ‘Lei, I
love you so much that I’m going to sacrifice my life for you!’ And then Yuugi supposed to come in with a magical disc that will
kill whoever touches it. Then he throws it at me. And then you block me from
it. And then you die. And then I’m all sad and stuff. And other things
happen.” Malik blinked. There seems to be a lot of
blinking in this story, ne? “…Oh. Okay, then.” He
looked around. “Lei, I love you so much that I’m going to sacrifice—” “I “YAMI JOU!” Lei squealed, running toward Jounouchi’s ‘yami’. GLOMP. Both
were now on the ground. Yami Jounouchi
winced as Lei tightened her grip. “—my life for you!” Malik
finished. He waved at Yami Jounouchi.
“Nice to see you again.” “…Hi. I don’t like you.” Yami Jounouchi answered. Malik shrugged. “Nice to see you again.” He repeated. Silence reigned
the room. “EEEIIIIII!!!!” Yuugi
ran into the room holding something that was a flat circle. “Die, Lei!” She blinked. “Why?” “I don’t know. Because—you stole my Sennen
Puzzle!” Yuugi answered. “I did? I don’t remember doing that.” “Oh well. I remember you stealing it! Bye,
bye!” He threw the circle thing at her, adding a strange little evil laugh at
the end. If you have never seen Yuugi laugh evilly,
it’s very…strange. And different. “MALIK! This is where you come in!” Lei
shrieked. Suddenly, the circle looked very…sharp. And blade-y. Malik leaped in front of her, grabbing the disc with his
right hand. He turned it over. “Hey, this is my Evanescence CD!” he
exclaimed. He narrowed his eyes. “Yuugi…” Yuugi continued laughing. “It doesn’t matter.
It’s only a matter of time until you die! You touched my magical
disc…thingy!” Malik glanced at the disc uncertainly. “Uh…I
haven’t died yet.” Five hours later, everyone still stayed in
the same positions they were in…five hours ago. “…Yuugi,
I still haven’t died yet.” Lei cringed as her set began to crumple
and rip and fall apart. “ISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!” she screamed. The other
simply ignored her and now began to bounce up and down in the same spot. It
made the others dizzy just to watch her. Malik and Yami Jounouchi both fainted. Yuugi
glared at Lei. Lei blinked confusedly at Yuugi.
They got into attack stance, the room dimming and both of them whipping out
plastic swords out of absolutely nowhere. They began inching toward each
other, brandishing their weapons with dangerous glints in their eyes. “No, no! Fighting is no good! No fight!” Both of them turned to the sugar-high “I no people!” Lei shouted. She cleared
her throat. “Erm, I mean, I’m not a person!” “Yes you are…You _look_ like a people.
That means that you _are_ a people!” “NO!” “YES!” “NO!” “YES!” “NO!” Yuugi sighed and left the room. “I’m a zombie!” he yelled. Everyone who was conscious ( “…No, you’re not.” “Oh. That’s okay. I HAVE THE BEST SENNEN
ITEM! WHEE!” The psychotic yami
was soon tackled to the ground by everyone. Everyone except Malik, that is. Meaning Yami, Bakura, Lei, “The Sennen Tauk
is the best! Sugary, sugary goodness, come to me! Fill me up, don’t let me
rest!” |