Glow

By: Amphitrite (papervanity@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13

Pairing: Jounouchi/Otogi

Song: Everytime by Britney Spears.

Warning: Sequel. Go read Let the Tears Fall first.

Summary: A few weeks after Otogi’s death, Kaiba breaks up with Jounouchi. Now, Jounouchi is alone again. He realizes that he was the cause of Otogi’s death and that Otogi was the one for his heart. But Otogi is gone.

---

Notice me

Take my hand

Why.

Why, why, why?

Why the fuck are you dead?

Why the fuck did you have to go and kill yourself?

This is all my fault, isn’t it? Your depression, your pain, your death… It’s all because of me. Well, then, damn you, Otogi. Damn you for making me feel so guilty. For making me feel so guilty over something that wasn’t even my damn fault.

But it is my fault, isn’t it?

Yes, I know it too. I know it well. I just don’t want to admit it. I’m not a murderer, Otogi. I didn’t want you to die. It’s your own fucking fault that you went and stabbed yourself in the heart. I didn’t tell you to go kill yourself.

It’s not really my fault. It’s not. It can’t be. It has to be…

It has to be your own.

It’s funny. I was the only one who noticed that you weren’t at school. Nobody else seemed to give a damn. I still don’t understand it. Anyway, I told myself that you were just absent, maybe sick or something, or perhaps you had business you had to attend to, with Black Crown (Otogi’s shop) and all.

But you didn’t come back. Weeks passed by and I didn’t see you anywhere. I admit it, Otogi. I became worried about you. I even asked all the teachers (who I absolutely despise) if they knew anything about where you were. Nobody knew a thing.

So I just convinced myself that you had a bad cold and had to stay home. Funny how now I realize that it was stupid of me not to want to go visit you and tell you to feel better soon. The point is, I didn’t think that something much more terrifying had happened. I didn’t think that you had died! I thought that you were alive and well.

Okay, so more like alive and sick, but still! Having a cold and being dead are two very, very different things.

But I didn’t care.

There. I said it. If anyone had had to die it should’ve been me, Otogi, not you. You didn’t deserve to die.

You shouldn’t be gone from this world. Not so soon. Not before me.

Why are we strangers when

Our love is strong

Why carry on without me?

I guess I want to apologize, Otogi. I wish I had listened to you before. I wish that I had realized how much your love for me went—but what’s the point of wishing? Wishes don’t come true in real life. Only in fairytales. And my life is no fairytale.

So, as a gift, I’m going to give you these flowers. Roses. I’m bringing them to your grave now.

Seto broke up with me a week ago. He said that we should see other people. Yeah, right. I wonder who he’s after. I didn’t cry. I was strong. I stayed strong…for you, Otogi. Just for you. Because you would never show your weakness in that situation. You would stay strong and not be a doormat. I tried to do what you would do.

And I did.

Are you wondering how I figured out that you loved me?

Yeah…I can’t really explain it myself, but it was…well, it was a lot of things. First of all, those horrible cuts you made on your wrists. I didn’t see them myself, but the people I called (Was it the 911 people? I don’t really remember) told me what you had engraved. A. J. n. O. It made absolutely no sense to me at first. I knew they had some sort of secret meaning that only you knew, but that was it.

I’m not quite sure how I did it, but I came up with something. Aishiteru. Jounouchi no Otogi. It made absolutely no sense to me because there was no way in hell that you loved me, but I was certain that that was it.

Jounouchi’s Otogi… Wow…

Just…wow.

Another thing? The hospital gave me the necklace that you were going to give me that night when you came to my house and found Seto all over me. I mean, I’m assuming that that’s what was in the box. It certainly looks right. In fact, it looks more than right. It looks… It’s beautiful. I’ve never received something so personal and heartfelt. I wear it around my neck all the time now. I rarely take it off… Because in a crazy, twisted way, I’m keeping you close to me at all times as long as I have it on. Close to me… And close to my heart.

But you know what confuses me the most? That box with the dice that I took from your house. I don’t even know why I took it. For some reason, I felt that you wanted me to have it. Shizuka told me that they were fortune-dice. I had no idea what the hell that meant, but she had explained everything to me. Shizuka likes that kind of weird, supernatural stuff. Kind of like Yuugi, in a strange way.

Every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you

- Flashback -

“What are you doing, Onii-chan?” Shizuka asked, peeking over my shoulder in pure curiosity. I shrugged.

“I’m not sure. Playing with dice, I guess. Weird dice, though. All the sides are blank except for one, which has this star thing.”

She sat down next to me on the floor and picked the blue one up, revolving it to see all six sides. “Do you know what these are, Onii-chan?” she inquired. I must have looked confused because, well, I was confused. “They’re fortune-dice.”

“Huh?”

She placed the blue one back on the ground and picked up the box, eyes widening at something on the bottom. “Fortune-dice. They predict the future of their owner and his familiars.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “How in the world can dice predict the future?”

“Like this.”

She put down the box and picked up one of the die. She rubbed her thumb across the side with the star thing on it and whispered, “Jounouchi Katsuya.” I was completely lost. Then the three dice started vibrating, glowing on the edges.

“Nani?!?” I almost yelled in surprise. Shizuka’s eyes stayed on the dice until they stopped and remained unmoving. She handed the die she had been holding to me. I took it, looking puzzled. But then…

I noticed it. The faces of the die looked different…the pictures had changed. Now there was a heart, a sword, a teardrop, something that looked like the English letter ‘I’, a skull, and the star thing again. I examined it. “Why did you say my name? How come saying my name changes the faces of the dice?” Shizuka smiled at me shyly. I tilted my head in confusion.

“Who did these belong to, Onii-chan?”

“Otogi.”

Shizuka averted her eyes and stared at the box. I could see her eyes fogging up. I could understand her sorrow. Otogi had been so kind to her when he had first met her. Of course, he had been shamelessly flirting with her, but that was only to provoke Honda, I know. Despite that, he had still taken good care of her in Battle City like a brother, like a substitute for when I was busy trying to win the tournament. I had resented him at the time, since I thought he was after Shizuka. Brother’s intuition, I suppose. But after I found out that he only wanted to catch Honda’s attention (in any way possible, I guess), I became very grateful to him. Yes, he and Honda went out for a little bit. I don’t think they lasted very long, though. There hadn’t been any sparks.

And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you

“I thought so,” Shizuka said quietly, abruptly pulling me out of my thoughts. She took the other two die out of the elaborately made box. One was green and one was blue. She touched the star of the green dice and whispered, “Otogi Ryuuji,” then she did the same with the blue one and whispered, “Kaiba Seto.” I started at the name of my ex-boyfriend.

“Why Kaiba?”

She gave me a sad look, like the ones that adults give to children when they ask questions about death and their deceased relations. “He was your boyfriend when Otogi-san died, right? That…” she swallowed, “that was what he killed himself over, right?” I nodded slowly, still not really comprehending. “Onii-chan,” she said, biting her lip; she only does that when she’s trying to think quickly, “where did you find this box and the dice?”

I frowned, thinking hard and trying to answer the obscure question. “On the desk of Otogi’s room. There was blood around it, but neither the die nor box were bloody when I picked them up.” I suddenly realized what I had said and my eyes widened. “Wait, how is that possible?”

Shizuka smiled. It was a small smile. “Magic,” she whispered.

I shook my head, not believing it. “And so I put the die back into the box and closed the box… And I took it home with me.”

“Onii-chan,” she said again, and I looked at her expectantly, “I think… I think that these dice…and this box…drove Otogi-san to his death.”

I stood up in incredulous surprise to her hesitant statement. “What!” I gave her a hard look. “Shizuka, listen to what you’re saying! Otogi committed suicide because of a box that contained colorful die? He’s not stupid, you know! Otogi is very smart! I don’t think you have the right to insult his intelligence like that! He died because he was suffering from unrequited love!”

Shizuka gave me a pitying look, which I wasn’t exactly fond of. I don’t like pity. “Onii-chan, calm down and sit,” she said softly. I scowled, clenching my fists tightly together, undoubtedly leaving marks of my nails on my palms. I sat back down, breathing heavily as a result of my sudden outburst. My sister laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Onii-chan… Come to your senses and think about it. People don’t usually kill themselves over not having their feelings returned. If they did, we’d pretty much all be dead right now.” She sighed, and I knew she was thinking about what she felt for Anzu. “Otogi was smart. I never said he wasn’t.” I cringed at the use of past tense with things associated with Otogi. I myself had used present tense in my previous outburst. “He wasn’t stupid, but he was confused. I hate to sound like a sentimentalist, but love does that to you. So he used these die…and he believed that what they said was the truth. Onii-chan, he was vulnerable and whatever the die told him sounded right in his ears, so he went ahead and did it.”

I sat in silence, sinking it all in. It just didn’t sound right… Otogi had killed himself because a bunch of stupid die had told him to do so?

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear

What have I done

You seem to move on easy

A foreign sound reached my ears. I looked down. Shizuka was reading the English on the box. Then she suddenly picked it up and chucked it against the wall. “Stupid box!” she shrieked. It landed with a quiet thump on the carpet, something dark falling out of it. I blinked at my little imouto’s sudden change in mood. She continued to scream at it. “Why did you have to kill Otogi-san?” Then she turned to me—and she slapped me. “Stupid Onii-chan! Why did you have to go out with Kaiba-san? Why did you have to kill Otogi?” Tears were falling freely from her eyes now. I raised a hand to my now red cheek and looked down ashamedly.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“Bullshit!” she swore, and I looked up, surprised. Shizuka only swore when she was really riled up. “You didn’t intend to hurt him, but you did! You did, Onii-chan!”

“I know…” I said quietly, refusing to look up and meet her tear-filled eyes. I could feel a lump developing in my throat. My eyes were getting a little watery as well. I wiped them away with my sleeve quickly. I heard footsteps heading away from me and then a door slamming. The next time I looked up, Shizuka was gone. I sighed and picked the die up gently. They did belong to Otogi, after all. “Is Shizuka right, Otogi? Did… Did I kill you? Did I make you vulnerable? Did I indirectly kill you with these die?” I put them back in the box. “Or am I just being stupid? I don’t know, Otogi. I wish you were here to tell me.”

- End Flashback -

The cemetery is dark and somewhat frightening to me. I’ve always been afraid of supernatural things like zombies and ghosts and things that supposedly lurk around these kind of places. But no, I came here to visit you, not to be scared away. I won’t give up that easily.

I remember your funeral. It was horrible. The ceremony itself was a nice one, albeit depressing. A traditional Japanese funeral for Otogi Ryuuji, the…master of dice. And the one that Jounouchi Katsuya wishes that he had been able to love.

Damn it, Otogi… I still can’t get over what you did. Why did you have to take such drastic measures? If only you had waited a few more weeks… I… I… This could’ve been prevented. Your life could’ve been spared. Oh, I don’t know. Just wishful thinking, I guess. I know you can’t come back. I know nothing that I say can bring you back.

I know I made a mistake.

That’s hard for me to admit, you know? I don’t like making mistakes that affect others greatly, like this goddamn mistake. God, I really hate myself for this.

*

And every time I fly

I fall without my wings

I feel so small

I guess I need you

A translucent figure floated into Jounouchi’s bedroom, a blank expression on his face. Except for his eyes, glowing emerald with emotion. He hovered around the sleeping boy for a moment, then sat down on the edge of the bed. He stared at Jounouchi, sinking in all the details of how he looked when he was sleeping. He had never been given the chance before. He reached out a shaky hand and stroked Jounouchi’s cheek gently.

Jounouchi sighed in his sleep, and the ghost echoed the sound. He moved his hand downwards, and rested his palm on the boy’s bare chest. There was something around his neck… Something shiny. His eyes widened when he saw it. It was—the glass charm. Jounouchi was wearing it! But what about…Kaiba? He shook his head. Nothing could’ve happened between them anyway. Ever. He couldn’t dwell on What Could’ve Been. He sighed again and touched the charm. His fingers went through it. Jounouchi stirred slightly, and he pulled his hand away quickly.

He gazed at the blonde boy, so beautiful, so perfect…

He leaned down and hugged Jounouchi, eyes bright. He gave him a tiny kiss on the lips.

“I hate you, you know,” he whispered softly, resting his head on Jounouchi’s shoulder. “You drew me on, then you hurt me, and then you killed me.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I hate you,” he looked at the boy longingly, “but I’ve never stopped loving you.” He felt a lump in his throat. Shaking, he kissed his forehead, then let go of the boy. “Good night, Jounouchi.”

And with that, Otogi turned and left, never once looking back.