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Never
Let Go By: Amphitrite (papervanity@gmail.com) Rated: PG-13 Pairing: Bakura/Yami Song: Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch. Summary: Yami has been
murdered. His lover slowly edges into insanity as depression takes over.
Then, to add to salt to the injury, he’s asked to choose between keeping a
ghost Yami trapped in the living world or just
letting go. My soul is being torn in half as I watch
them bury your body. Inside, I’m screaming in agony, but on the outside, I’m
just standing in silence. In horror. Am I the only one who cares? Does it
matter to nobody that you’re gone? That you no longer dwell in this world? I’m surprised at everyone’s reactions. I
thought that…that you were a big part of their lives. I thought that they’d
be affected just as much as I have been. But it isn’t so. Yuugi and Ryou are
just holding hands and looking solemn. Jounouchi, Anzu, Honda, Shizuka, and Otogi are giggling at some joke that the obnoxious inu made. Kaiba is just
standing far off with his arms crossed, looking bored. I don’t know where Malik, Rishid, and Isis went,
but I doubt that they’re mourning. Yami…nobody cares that you’re dead… Nobody except for me. Of all the things I’ve believed
in
I just want to get it over with
To me, it feels like only yesterday that
you stood by my side in the schoolyard, held my hand at the beach, cuddled with
me on the couch…It seems like only yesterday that you were here… Here with me. But where are you now? The
Afterlife? Well…I hope the Judgment goes well, koi…
Nobody knows what really happened. Only you do, but you’re in no condition to
tell us, are you? It was only a week ago, but to me, it’s
been seven millennia. I was accompanying Ryou and Yuugi back to the Game Corner to see you…But the moment I
walked into the door, I knew something was wrong. I smelled death. Blood. And
believe me, I, of all people, know the scent of blood. Then I saw your body sprawled on the
ground, unmoving. I almost screamed. Ryou did. Yuugi was too horrified to calm him down. I knelt down
quickly, taking your limp body into my arms. I felt for a pulse… But you were already gone. Tears flooded down my cheeks and I tried
to wake you up to no avail. I called out your name, but you didn’t move. Not
one inch. I bowed my head down and cried like the world had ended. And in a way, it had. You were all that
ever mattered to me, Yami. You were everything, my
happiness, my joy, my heart; you were more precious to me than anything or
anyone else in the world. You were more precious to me than my own life. Tears form behind my eyes But I do not cry Ever since that night, my dreams have been
haunted with happy memories. Memories of you…memories of us. I hate it. I’m
trying to forget you, I’m trying to move on, but I can’t. You’re haunting me, Yami,
and you know it. No…it’s not your fault. I can’t forget
you. I don’t want to forget you. Deep inside my heart, there is this fear,
this little fear, that if I try to forget about you…I’ll have lost you
completely. And that little fear…that damn stupid little fear is what’s been
bugging me the most. So answer me this, Yami-koi. Will you ever be gone from my heart? Silence. You won’t reply. You can’t reply. You’re
dead. But I know the answer to that question.
And the answer is…no. You won’t ever be gone from my heart. Because I swear
to whatever Almighty Force or deity is up there, I won’t ever forget you. Ever is a long time. Counting the days that pass me
by
I’ve been searching deep down
in my soul
I turn around sharply as someone taps me
on the shoulder lightly. Malik is standing there,
holding something behind his back. Isis and Rishid
stand at his side. All three pairs of eyes, lavender, cerulean, and
verdant…they all look so solemn. But I cannot tell if it is melancholy or
pity. “Bakura,” Malik starts softly, casting his eyes down, “We have
something for you.” I tilt my head to one side, slightly
puzzled. I wait for him to continue. He takes a bouquet of flowers out from
where he had been hiding it behind his back. He hands them slowly to me, soft
lavender eyes watching my expression closely. “For you…for you and Yami no Yuugi,” he says. I take
the flowers, not sure what to say. I guess somebody does care… “T-T-Th—” I
stutter. “You’re welcome,” he replies. “We’re sorry, Bakura.
We know how you…and…and him were.” I look into her eyes and see sincerity. I
turn my eyes back down. “Will you be all right, Yami no Bakura-sama?” Rishid asks. I hesitate. “Hai…I think I will. Thank you, all of you,” I reply
softly. “I…I really appreciate the concern. Especially since nobody else
since to care.” I flick my eyes over to Jounouchi
and the others. Even Ryou and Yuugi
have joined in on the laughing now. I don’t believe it. And you were such a
big part of Yuugi. Malik-tachi nod and leave politely. And now I’m all
alone again… Words that I’m hearing
Are starting to get old
I look down at the bouquet that they were
kind enough to give me. Strange…there seem to be only red and white roses. It
can’t be a coincidence, can it? Red for you. White for me. Together, they symbolize unity. No, it can’t be a
coincidence. Things don’t happen like that. Thank you, Malik,
Rishid, ~ “Yami, will you be all right?” a soft voice addresses me.
I jump as Ryou places a gentle hand on my shoulder.
Will I be all right? Funny question, Omote.
Don’t you already know the answer to that one? Why do you even bother asking?
He doesn’t care
about you. It hurts, Yami, just thinking about that. But I know it hurts you
even more because your own light was in on the laughing as well. He was
fucking laughing during the ceremony! If he wasn’t part of you and Ryou wasn’t a part of me, I would’ve killed them right
there, right then. Only Ra knows why I didn’t kill the others. Ryou backs up when he
sees the seriously pissed expression on my eyes. “Well, I’ll be staying at Yuugi’s tonight, okay?” He squeaks out nervously, then
runs off to join the others. “Good,” I mutter
to myself. I need to be alone, if I can’t have you with me… It feels like I’m
starting all over again The last three
years were just pretend ~ I curse the gods
as it starts raining during my walk home. And to make it worse, Kaiba’s sleek black limo whizzes by, splattering me with
mud from the streets. The roses get splattered as well. Damn…I really liked
those flowers. Stupid Ryou and his friends. I know they were
in that fancy car. I sigh deeply and enter the Bakura
house. After locking the doors, I remove my wet shoes and plop myself down on
the sofa. What to do now? I know what I would do if you were still here… We used to always
cuddle up on this sofa and make fun of television shows. Then we would turn
the TV off and fall asleep in each other’s arms. I loved that. With you next
to me, I always felt so secure, so damn safe. I felt satisfied! But now… It’s cold, Yami. I don’t feel your warm body against me; I don’t
feel your soft, warm breath on my neck. I…I… I’m alone. I bite my lip
harshly, trying my hardest to prevent the tears that are welling up in my
eyes from escaping. I will not show my weakness. Not to anyone,
anything. You were the only
one who thought that I was a kind, caring creature. You knew my fears, you
knew my secrets. You knew me. Everyone else just thinks I’m a sadistic,
bloodthirsty bastard. And I’m glad that they think that. Life’s just
so much easier when everyone fears you. But there is no point in life if the
one that you love is not in your arms anymore. You’re dead, Yami. I can’t face the
facts. I know what you’d
say if you were here. You would tell me to let go of the past and just live
life the way it’s supposed to be. You would tell me not to dwell on what has
already happened. I’m sorry, Yami. I can’t do that. You’re a too big part of my life
for me to forget you. I can’t forget you. I need you…I need you by my
side everyday; I need to feel your body next to me when I’m sleeping; I need
your presence here. And I said, Goodbye to you Goodbye to
everything I thought I knew As I look around
the room, everything reminds me of you. The old broken crystal clock that we
used to try to fix just for the hell of it, the remote controller for the
television that we used to argue playfully over, Ryou’s
piggy bank that we used to steal from, your favorite pillow… My memories of
you are so clear…I still remember when we first got together; when we first
kissed; when we first made love. I miss you so
much, Yami. You have no idea how much it hurts to
lose a loved one… I wish you were
still here next to me. Here, next to me, with me. I close my eyes. But there
is only blackness there. If I sleep, I will be haunted by memories of you. If
I stay awake, things that remind me of you will haunt me still. There is no
escaping. Yami…your death will be my doom. If I killed
myself…it would make no difference. You were a pharaoh, I was a thief. Two
completely different social classes that don’t go together whatsoever. Osiris would never let me see you. So what’s the point? There is no point
in living without you. There is no point being dead… I would be kept separate
from you nevertheless. I hate this! I will be unhappy, no matter what I do!
All I want is to see you…one last time. Then…I guess I don’t care what you
do. It…it won’t be my business. But please, koi.
Just one last glance at you, that’s all I ask for~! But, of course.
You can’t hear a damn thing I’m saying. You probably don’t even know that I’m
here mourning for you. Or maybe you do, but can’t get to me. Or perhaps
they’ve erased your memories so that you can’t be miserable in the Afterlife. I don’t know, Yami. I’ve never experienced that. My body died when I
was sealed into the puzzle. But my spirit lived on and that’s how I’m here.
So, Yami…How does it feel like dying twice? You were the one
I loved The one thing
that I tried to hold onto I wish you would
answer my questions. I wish you could answer my questions. But…you can’t. Damn it, I hate this! …I hate you being dead…I hate the fact that I can’t a thing about it. I think I’ve thought the word ‘hate’ too much in the past hour. Must
be bad for my health. But since when did I start caring about my health? Ne…I might as well. I’m going to go grab something to
eat. I sigh half-heartedly and stand up, wandering to the kitchen, where I
grab some cookies from the pantry and some soda from the fridge. I sit down
at the kitchen table and begin my snack. I bite into a chocolate chip cookie,
not really registering any taste. It just feels good for a part of my body to
be busy. While I think. Yeah… I still get lost in your eyes And it seems that I can’t live a day Without you I let my eyes wander around the kitchen, stopping at a certain
cutlery drawer. Mmm…knives. They seem just about
appropriate now. A sadistic smile spreads across my face and I scold myself.
No…I will not kill myself. It will not help. I will be in misery nonetheless. This is not working. I HATE THIS!!! Funny, I think I actually yelled that aloud. Hmm. I must be going
crazy or something. Oh, well. No one’s here except for me, right? So I can
yell all I want. But for some reason, the thought of that makes me want to
cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s irritating me to the
extreme. …I have just realized that I haven’t cried ever since the Incident.
Not since that night. Oh, great. Now I’ve started crying…sobbing…I…I just
need to stop thinking for a moment. I need to let my troubles go. Even if it’s just for a brief moment in
time. ~ I sit on my knees on my bed, staring at the dangerous weapon I wield
in my right hand. A knife. A simple silver dagger. My own. My precious.
Amusing how such a small object could end my life right now, right here. Hmm.
Amusing indeed… I don’t know how much of my sanity has disappeared altogether and I
don’t remotely care. Tonight is the night that my life will end. I will rid
of myself, since there is no point in staying here. Perhaps Osiris will erase my memories when I die and I won’t have
to worry about this any more. Closing my eyes and you chase my Thoughts away Perhaps… Look, my hand is shaking. In fear? In excitement? In anxiety? In
happiness that all this pain will finally end? I don’t know. Maybe all of the
above. If that is possible, I mean. And I suppose it is. Look at yourself, Bakura. You’re not even
making any sense anymore. Well…I never did, anyway. I move the knife so that the blade hovers
over my wrist. Precious…I want to see the blood flow out of my skin; I want to watch
as my skin loses any color it previously had. Yesssssss…Blood.
I want to see it. I want to smell its familiar, lustful scent. I want to
taste the coppery substance, lick it off my pale skin with my pink tongue. I
want to write forbidden words on the wooden floor with my crimson drops of
life. Blood. Ra, I think I’m scaring myself. I…I’m not like Mariku.
Sure, I’m a bit crazy and abnormal, but I’m not Mariku!
I’m not some insane freak who sacrifices mortals to ‘the Darkness’ just
because it’s amusing! I am Yami no Bakura,
the spirit of the Sennen Ring. Yes. Blood… I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the thought. The knife lowers
slowly until the blade is right against the skin over the inside of my left
wrist. I draw it across lightly and wince in pain when I hit a vein. I feel
the corners of my eyes become damp as red liquid surfaces. I quickly draw another line, intersecting it with the previous one.
Look…there’s an ‘X’ on my wrist. How pretty. X-marks-the spot. The spot of
what, I wonder? No matter. I have to keep going. I slit my other wrist open, my left hand shaking even more because of
the loss of blood. I can barely feel it any more… To a place where I am blinded by the light But it’s not right The knife falls out of my hand, silently landing in front of my
knees. I stare at the sheets as they soak up the blood. I wish I could do
that too…Suck in all my blood until I feel sick… Sick…I cringe in pain as I begin to feel wizzy
and doozy. Oops, I mean, woozy and dizzy. Ra, my
head hurts like hell; the pain is unimaginable. I hope I die soon… “’ I smile dizzily at the familiar voice of a certain pharaoh. Wow, I
really have gone insane if I’ve started hearing Yami’s
voice…He seems so close, too. “’ “Playing with knives,” I answer, as though it were obvious. Oh…I
don’t feel good. Part of my brain is beginning to close off. I can barely
even feel my arms any more. My fingers are not in a better state. I hear
faint footsteps running toward me and I feel a cold hand against my back. I
look up and see the blurry, translucent form of…Yami.
Hey, I can see him too! Wow…he’s kinda…hot. Yummy… Preciousss… “Hiiiiii, Yamiiiii.” I giggle and somehow manage to wave at him. He just stares at me in horror. He lays a hand on my left wrist, over
the two cuts. I watch as he glows slightly for a moment. The slits do as
well. Then, the flaps of skin begin to stick together again…in a very slow
process. I watch with wide eyes, fascinated. Yami
lays his hand on my other wrist and does the same thing. “Cooooool…” I breathe. He stares at me in
horror, shaking his head slightly. “Go to sleep, Bakura. I only closed your
cuts; I didn’t replace any of the blood you lost. It’ll take some more time
and concentration for me to do that kind of spell. I’m not even sure if I’m
capable of doing it, so just go to sleep and refresh yourself. You…you need
it.” I smile and lay back, closing my eyes. Whatever you say, prettyful-Yami. Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything I thought I knew ~ My eyes open slowly and I look down to find that my wrists have been
wrapped in white cloths and an ice pack is on my head. I’m surprised that the
ice hasn’t melted yet. I sit up, groaning as my muscles strain. I look around
curiously. Was it just a dream…or had Yami really been
here? But how was that possible? He’s dead. He died. He was murdered. I frown and think as hard as I can of the previous night. He had
seemed awfully…ghost-like. Not in action, but in appearance. He had been
partly see-through and I could’ve sworn that the ‘edges’ of him had been
blurred…as though he were only a memory and nothing more. Just as if he had
no definite form and was using that one as his temporary one. My frown deepens as I realize that that made absolutely no sense. I
shake my head hard, then regret it as it makes my head ache even more. I sigh
and lie back down. I can’t get up…Not now. Not ever. I’m afraid I’ll do something rash again, just like yesterday night. ~ You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold onto I sit at the edge of the lake and continue tossing rocks into the
water. I’m at the park, by the lake, throwing rocks at the water. How quaint.
I wonder why all the ducks have swum to the other side of the lake… … Yami… I miss you so much. “I love you, Yami…” I whisper and the
breeze carries my words away. Away…All the way to my lover? Yeah…I hope so.
Tell him that I love him…Even if he’s gone. Forever. “And you know I love you too.” I start at the voice. That…voice. It…it belongs to… I look around me and gasp when I see the apparition sitting next to
me. “Y-y-Yami?!?” I whisper fearfully. I hope my
mind isn’t playing tricks on me. He looks so sad, staring across the water.
Those crimson depths are filled with saturnine melancholy. It’s…enchanting.
But why is he so depressed? “Hello, ‘ “Are you dead?” I ask quietly. His mouth twitches and curves into the
tiniest of smiles. “What do you think?” I reach a hand out and lay it on his ghostly one. My hand goes through
his. It’s really sick looking. It’s not that I don’t feel anything, I just
feel surrounded by coldness. Iciness. It’s not natural. But then again, he’s dead, so I suppose it’s to be expected. “How are you here?” I ask. “You want me to be here. I’m not allowed to enter the Afterlife yet.”
For a split second, I sense bitter hatred in his words. But only for a split
second. And it hurts to want everything and Nothing at the same time “I don’t understand,” I voice my feeling, frowning in confusion. He lets out a deep sigh, closing his beautiful cerise eyes. “I
haven’t finished all my ‘duties’ yet. I can’t leave the living world until
you let me. They won’t have me over on the other side,” he opens his eyes and
looks across the lake, “until you let me go.” He looks at me, eyes silently
pleading. “This lake is one of the gateways between Life and Death.” I stare back at Yami, looking defiant.
“So…you can’t leave unless I allow you to. Unless I stop…moping?” He nods a
confirmation. I lie back on the grass, staring at the grey, cloud-filled sky.
We are both silent for a moment. Then, without averting my glance from the
skies, I ask, “Do you want to leave?” He continues staring at me, but I think now that look is in
disbelief. Apparently, he’s surprised that I even bothered to ask that. Or
maybe he’s surprised at the bluntness of the question. “Yes,” he whispers
shamefully, turning his eyes away. He stares blankly at the other side of the
lake, where everything is foggy. “I’m sorry, ‘ I don’t move. Yami…he wants to die. He
wants to leave this world. He wants to leave…me. A flame of hatred bursts
inside me. I think Yami senses it. “It’s not because I don’t love you, Bakura,”
he explains hastily. “It’s because…” “Because what?” I ask coldly. “Because I’m not good enough for you?” “No!” he exclaims hurriedly. His voice goes soft. I still don’t look
at him, though I’m listening attentively. “I love you, Bakura.
I really do. I had really hoped to be yours forever, but now that I’m…you know.
I can’t be all that you want me to be. I…I want you to find someone else.
Someone…” he pauses, trying to phrase his words, “someone who will love you
as much as I do.” He regains his strength. “Someone who you will love the way
you love me. “You deserve better than a ghost. You deserve to let go of the
haunting memory of me and live a good life.” I think he’s begun to cry
because his voice cracks as he finishes. “You deserve to forget about me
entirely and b-be…happy.” I want what’s yours And I want what’s mine I stare at him in horror. “But you can never be replaced, Yami. You mean too much to me.” He smiles ironically. “That’s what you say now. I know you’ll find someone else. Someone
better. Better than… Better than me.” He looks expectantly at me. “Will you
let me go, Bakura?” “…” I am silent. I don’t want Yami to
leave. He wants to leave. He wants me to let him leave. I’ve always done
anything for my love. But…this… I close my eyes. “Who?” I ask quietly. I need
more time to think about this. But I think that Yami
wants an answer, now. “Pardon me?” “Who killed you?” I repeat shakily, feeling those damned tears
forming in the corners of my eyes. He inhales sharply, startled at the
question. I sense hesitation. “I…I’d prefer not to disclose that particular piece of information,”
he answers stiffly and stands up. I frown, getting up as well. “Who killed you, Yami?” I hiss. “I’m not telling.” I sigh. Damn stubborn pharaoh. I know I’ll never get it out of him. I want you But I’m not giving in this time I want him to stay here so much. But he’ll be unhappy if I keep him
trapped here in the living world. I hate it when my koi
is unhappy. Especially if it’s because of me. And if he’s not happy, I won’t
be happy. I let out a small sigh. This is all too confusing. If I let him go, I’ll be depressed for the rest of my life. But he’ll
be happy. And…if he’s happy…that means that I’ll be happy, right? Am I making any sense? No, I’m just confusing myself. Well…I guess there’s only one thing to
do, then. “Never let go…” I whisper softly to myself. His eyes widen at my
words, looking horrified. He’s about to say something, but I stop him. “I’ve
made my decision, Yami,” I announce. He suddenly
turns away quickly. “You’re keeping me, aren’t you?” he spits out bitterly, anger taking
over. “I never said that.” “Just say it, Bakura. You’re keeping me.
Don’t delay the truth.” He turns back around and stares at me in the eye,
those blood red depths burning into me. We just stand there for what seems to
me like centuries, but in reality, it’s only been a minute or so. “No, love. I…I’m letting you go.” Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything that I knew He continues staring at me, though this time he looks shocked. “Are
you serious?” he asks in awe, eyes wide in…happiness? Respect? Admiration? I
don’t know. He suddenly jumps at me and embraces me in a tight hug. I must
say, being hugged by an apparition is quite…odd. I nod slightly. “I’ll let you…” I choke down a sob. “Die properly and
journey onto where you belong. I’m…I’m allowing you to go, Yami, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll just forget about
you. I won’t find someone else. Nobody can and ever will replace you. Do you
hear that, koi?” I lean back slightly and stare him
right in the eye. “I’m yours; I always will be. And…you’re mine.” I watch as Yami’s eyes fill with tears. Of
joy? Of sadness? Of love? I can’t tell. “I…I…” Yami stumbles over his words. “Th-thank you, Bakura. This…this
means so much to me. You…giving up this chance…just for me.” He lays his head
on my shoulder and though it feels a little chilly, I have to admit that it
is comforting. “I hope you’ll always be mine, ‘ I hold him even closer, the rays of the giant orange sun shining upon
us. The lake glows an odd, indescribable color and the sunlight dances across
the water in bright yellow streaks. Beautiful…And I’m not only talking about
the lake. You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold on to The one thing that I tried to hold on to “Yami?” I ask softly, as to not ruin our
special ‘moment’. “Yes, ‘Kura-koi?” I smile at the extra suffix. “Will you watch the sunset…” my voice
begins to waver with sorrow, “one last time with me?” We separate slightly and he takes my hand gently into his ghostly
one. Golden sunlight dances radiantly in his eyes as he smiles brightly at
me. “Of course. Anything for you, love.” We sit back onto the grass, hands still joined. I send a smile his
way, though I know that my eyes reflect my sadness. But I will try to hide
that, for the sake of my koi. I…I will be happy for
him. He smiles back. “Love you, ‘ “I love you too, Yami. Forever.” His smile widens. “Forever,” he repeats. And I know that’s a promise. And when the stars fall I will lie awake You’re my shooting star Forever… But I…I’ve just realized that this will be that last that I will ever
see of him. Of the one that my heart belongs with and will always belong
with. The last that I will ever see of… Of Yami. I find my eyes shifting to him again. My love…the only one that has
ever received such love from me before. No, I can’t look at him now. Not
when…not when he will have to leave so soon. I stare determinedly into the water, averting my glance away from my
precious, away my delicate angel…my eternal love…the one whose spirit will
always watch over me… And a tear slips down my cheek. |